ANIMALS OF THE OCEAN, IN PARTICULAR THE GIANT SQUID

WOW. Just...WOW.

This incredible resource was written by Dr. Doris (and Mr.) Haggis-On-Whey. Published in 2006 by McSweeney's, LONG MAY THEY WAVE.

This is an incredible testament to the DEEP, SECRET LONGING of every human being to truly understand the Giant Squid. The Haggises-On-Whey make a determined stab at it, AND FAIL. What chokes me up JUST A LITTLE is how hard they tried...and HOW WELL WE SUCCEEDED AT HIDING OUR SECRETS.

In here you will find:

>> Squid dating tips.

>> Squid fashions.

>> Squid physiology, INCLUDING an accurate view of what you, as a human reader, will last see as you are being drawn down into the alimentary canal of an ocean animal.

>> Much, much more. So much more. I can hardly begin to tell you how much more.

This book was meant to be read to the little ones on Squidmas Eve in front of a roaring fire, with the snow pattering down gently outside.

JUST BUY IT, OK?

100 WEIRD WAYS TO CATCH FISH

I just finished this one up. Written by John Waldman, published fairly recently (but I forget the year) by Stackpole Books.

WHAT CAN I SAY? This is an INCREDIBLY TOUCHING TESTAMENT to the determination of Shaved Monkeys around the world to FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO US. If you're still sufficiently human in structure and function to be able to shed tears, HAVE FOUR HANKIES READY WHEN YOU READ THIS ONE.

I like the respect the author shows for the different types of fish around the world, and the GREAT INGENUITY needed to capture and eat them. He also shows proper respect for the many fish around the world who are more than willing to return the favor, by KILLING and EATING him. What's not to like about that?

My only quibble with the book is that Waldman could have fit MANY MORE TECHNIQUES into this book if he had combined all the different spearfishing methods into one entry. That's OK, though...I don't want him revealing TOO MANY SECRETS to his readers.

Funny Little Recruiting Datum -- NOT A Security Leak

 

 

 

One of my Manoogian Mansion operatives -- aka my personal staff here at HQ -- came across this scrap of hilarity in a wildly popular book called Freakanomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, copyrighted 2005 to the co-authors and put out in 2009 by Harper Perennial. There is a whole chapter in there on how Naked Apes decide to name their cubs. You guessed it, IT'S ALL ABOUT STATUS AS USUAL.

...Back to my point. On page 203, after exclaiming over the baffling meteoric rise of the name "Madison" for females, they put in a footnote to the effect that it "almost certainly" came about because of the 1984 romantic comedy Splash. I HARDLY NEED TO REMIND YOU that Daryl Hannah's interpretation of the Madison role, WHILE RATHER INSULTING, brought us in an incredible number of recruits in the mid-Eighties and continues to do so today. And once again, let me say: NICE WORK, EVERYONE.

WHAT SURPRISES ME is that these two guys would notice! Anal and overly focused on details they are, and apparently they even get paid for this, but sheesh.

And let me just pass on to you that the copy of Sirena, read and reviewed for you here at the Notes by Your Truly, was loaned to me by a Mermaid fanatic named...Madison. Born in the mid-1980s. Yep.

Says here this book has been translated into 35 languages. The information is right there on the page for all to see. BUT DO THEY EVEN SUSPECT WE HAVE THEM SURROUNDED?

 

EDDY DECO'S LAST CAPER: AN ILLUSTRATED MYSTERY

DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND READ THIS ONE!

Gahan Wilson wrote and illustrated this marvel of PISCATORIAL LOVE and published it in 1987 through Random House. It's worth owning in hardcover.

The story is a Forties noir mystery with a hard-boiled private eye, Eddy Deco, being drawn DEEPER AND DEEPER into a WEB OF INTRIGUE that involves...People with tentacles? YES, it's true, and the best part is, NO SECRET OF THE REAL CONSPIRACY WE'RE RUNNING IS REVEALED AT ANY POINT. You have to like that.

There are a lot of other things to like:

>> The illustrations don't just show you what the characters and rooms look like; they often replace dialogue and exposition.

>> The story is full of sly little references to Piscatorial Love, like the name of the flophouse Deco visits in the course of solving his case -- the Hotel Gilman.

>> The story makes clear that ALL HUMAN ACTIVITIES ARE UNDER SURVEILLANCE BY OUR OPERATIVES. On page 37, Mr. Gross says to Deco, "We've been amused, highly amused, by watching you at it through the years." Heh.

>> The Forties-style dialogue is a scream.

>> Eddy has all the information he needs RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM at all times, but he never puts it together until ALL FISHY HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE.

>> The climax of the story is SO VERY WORTH THE WAIT.

This is an ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC BOOK. JUST READ IT, WILL YOU?

THE DROWNED WORLD

Here's a little pre-Squidmas reading to get you in a holiday mood...

This little science "fiction" novel originally came out in 1962. My copy was published by Millennium, an imprint of Victor Gollancz, in London. WHAT A DELIGHTFUL READ.

The story is simple. HUMAN CIVILIZATION IS BARELY HANGING ON after a series of solar mishaps and a bit of geological upheaval, plus the melting of ye olde polar ice caps. A few Naked Apes survive, clinging to their monkeyfied customs at Camp Byrd at the North Pole -- the only corner of the planet that still supports human life comfortably.

...AND EVERYWHERE ELSE BELONGS TO US.

The story traces the progress of a biologist named Robert Kerans, who is on a mapping expedition with some sort of military unit. They are far to the south of human territory, paddling above the flooded ruin of a large city which later proves to be London, England. In the manner of Shaved Monkeys everywhere, the uniformed survivors GRASP FOR A SEMBLANCE OF CONTROL, going through the motions of tracking what is going on in territory they can no longer inhabit. They know full well there is NO REASON TO DO SO, but they also feel THERE IS NOTHING ELSE LEFT TO DO.

FOOLS!

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THE ATTRACTIVE FEATURES OF THIS UTOPIAN FUTURE EPIC:

>> Only about 5 million Naked Apes are alive at this point. That's about twice the population of Detroit, Michigan. HOW SOON CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN??

>> Only about 1 in 10 human marriages now produces children. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STRIP OFF THE OZONE LAYER, KIDDIES. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

>> It seems not to have occurred to them that they are living in a virtual Garden of Eden, the lost paradise they've been mourning ever since they noticed that they'd destroyed it. In a word full of plentiful, gorgeous fruits and swarming schools of fish, the humans are living out of cans -- bully beef, evaporated milk, that sort of thing. THIS SURVIVAL STRATEGY WILL ONLY KILL THEM OFF SOONER.

>> A few renegade Naked Apes are out freebooting, killing off anyone they don't like the looks of, so they can do stupid stuff like collecting gold-plated statuary from the flooded buildings. The author is quite honest about the pointlessness of this sort of activity. He also implies, without really spelling it out, that this only speeds up the process of RENDERING THE HUMAN RACE EXTINCT.

>> Kerans is in the process of joining a subset of humanity starting to experience strange dreams. They consistently describe these derams as horrifying nightmares requiring treament...but horrifying to WHOM, exactly? Kerans quickly finds out that he is not horrified at all by the dreams, which are clearly the awakening of his PISCATORIAL CONSCIOUSNESS. A quote from page 71: "Kerans felt, beating within him like his own pulse, the powerful mesmeric pull of the baying reptiles, and stepped out into the lake, whose waters now seeemed an extension of his own bloodstream. As the dull pounding rose, he felt the barriers which divided his own cells from the surrounding medium dissolving, and he swam forwards, spreading outwards across the black thudding water..." His fellows, those who are also experiencing the dreams, are losing all interest in Shaved Monkey lifestyles and are GOING OVER THE WALL, one by one, to COMMUNE WITH THE WATER.

>> Know what's missing from this book, though? US. THE FISH. The humans go on and on about how the planet is reverting to the Age of the Reptiles, paying no attention whatsoever to the fact that almost the whole planet is now UNDERWATER, and there is blasted little room for the reptiles, let alone the mammals. WHO DO THEY REALLY THINK IS IN CHARGE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD? THE EASTER BUNNY? I have to say I'm not entirely unhappy about this. If humans want to blame their destruction on the Iguanas, well, that just keeps us out of their line of sight, right? He does mention Eels towards the end, but he seems to put an equals sign between Eels and snakes. WHATEVER, DUDE. The author never makes the connection between the Eels, who can live easily on both water and land, and the increasingly water-oriented humans. The author's oversight just helps cover up OUR PLANS FOR THE HUMAN RACE.

This one has been out of print for a long time, but your library or used bookstore should have it. Waterproof copies are, alas, at a premium.

FLUKE

WELL, THIS WAS A FINE ONE!

I have to say I wasn't expecting much. This paperback by Christopher Moore (HarperCollins, 2004) looked at first as if it were going to be MORE OF THE SAME after I read his other one, Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove, but was I ever wrong! The story certainly starts out much the same, BUT IT BRANCHES OUT NICELY FROM THERE, BELIEVE ME.

Let me not spoil the story for you. Suffice to say that THIS IS A LEVEL AND TYPE OF CONSPIRACY WORK that I seriously hope they are looking into over in R&D. It's like a MUCH LESS USER-FRIENDLY version of the technology we read about in The Godwhale by the Great Scribe T.J. Bass. And, in fact, some of it is DISTURBINGLY SIMILAR to what we are doing in the here & now. BUT IT'S JUST FICTION, LADIES.

By all means, read this one. It's not to be missed.

THE DELUGE

I loved this one! The author of this 2007 release by Liesure Books, Mark Morris, doesn't diddle around with EXPLAINING anything; he just has someone look out a skyscraper window in London and realize that suddenly THE WHOLE WORLD IS UNDERWATER.

And WHAT NEXT? Drowned bodies everywhere, is what! The world they knew is now a jumble of silty wreckage tangled with filthy, dead shaved monkeys and ALL THE LABELS HAVE WASHED OFF ALL THE CANS. Every meal is pot luck. There's no way to get warm or dry. Bands of bereft bipeds roam the devastated cities, hoping for a meal and some company. The inevitable follows: crazy world takeover attempts, monkeys fighting monkeys, inappropriate sexual contact and MUD, MUD, MUD.

And needless to say this is only the beginning of the challenges facing our survivor-narrators, chosen not because they were immune to a plague or especially plucky or resourceful; they just happened to be on the top floor of a tall building when Dagon called. MORE PROBLEMS ARE COMING UP.

It is to swoon! If I could arrange this myself I'd do it in a heartbeat!

THE LOCH

WELL, THIS ONE WAS DIFFERENT!

The story was written by your go-to guy for BIG FISH EPICS, Steve Alten, copyrighted 2005 and published by good old Tor Books.

I have to start right out by telling you that I began reading this one, then SET IT ASIDE FOR MONTHS because it was BORING ME TO TEARS. The first 200 or so pages were nothing but BLATHERING about the protagonist's lousy childhood and bleak romantic and job prospects. Tell you what, the closer I get to entering the water forever, the harder it is to sit through all this yip yap about some human's CHILDHOOD ISSUES. Until we have some more cultural turn-over in the USA, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO BE STUCK WITH when reading a book geared for a human audience.

Obviously, I eventually picked it up again, because, hey, HERE WE ARE. It looks as if I set it aside just when Steve decided to get to THE GOOD PARTS. You know what I mean. The parts about THE LOCH NESS MONSTER. The pace picked up nicely -- I finished the last 3/4 of the book in a day -- and the solution was actually COMPLETELY SATISFYING, not to mention imaginative. There was some pretty good action in here, a very nice suspense level and a delightfully unlikely ending. Alten did a good job of helping me see it as it happened, and you know not every author is good at THAT.

TOO BAD THEY GAVE THE WHOLE STORY AWAY WITH THE JACKET ILLUSTRATION, AND THEN DID IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE BOOK.

Well, OK, they didn't give the WHOLE story away. But to a fish reader, it's pretty obvious. I also had to shake my head when I saw that the hero guy went in and dealt with the situation at last, not because it was the right thing to do or because he was the best man for the job, but because he needed to RESOLVE HIS CHILDHOOD ISSUES.

A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR LANDLOCKED MERMAIDS

This one was written and illustrated -- or more likely illustrated, then written -- by Margot Datz and was published by Atria books in 2008.

I have to be honest here and say this was a VERY NICE EFFORT. The illustrations are very pretty and upbeat, and the message is ENTIRELY POSITIVE. I have NO DOUBT this will increase the recruiting successes among our operatives. More humans will want to "GO FISH" and become recruiters themselves after reading this, and the human males we aim to marry will be drawn in THAT MUCH QUICKER.

Alas, Datz betrays her ENTIRELY HUMAN VIEWPOINT on the relationship between Landfish and their human recruits on ALMOST THE FIRST PAGE. While she appears to entirely understand the plight of a fish out of water, she clearly thinks of it as ultimately a better thing that we come ashore and stay there. She talks about marrying the Shaved Monkeys as if it were an entirely middle-class American proposition -- a monogamous, once-in-a-lifetime, happily-ever-after process. She has NO IDEA that while the happily-ever-after part certainly applies to any human male lucky enough to pair off with a Landfish, the HARD WORK is JUST BEGINNING for the squamous bride, who will have to repeat the process AGAIN AND AGAIN as long as she continues her recruiting work.

She even talks about drowning Naked Apes as if it were a BAD thing! For crying out loud, that's HALF THE FUN!

Other points to ponder include her ENTIRELY HUMAN -- and again, middle-class-American, self-help styled "survival tips." Margot -- honey -- FISH DON'T ACCESSORIZE. EVER. 'KAY?

Oh, and one other thing:

I WAS SO WORRIED THIS WAS GOING TO BE ANOTHER CHILDREN'S BOOK! It is nice to see this plan of action presented for the illumination of ADULTS.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, LADIES: Your instructions are DRAW THEM INTO THE SEA LIKE LEMMINGS. YOU KILL THEM. AND YOU EAT THEM.

FATAL FORECAST

Now this was a REALLY GOOD READ. This 2007 publication was put out by Scribner. QUITE INTRIGUING. This book is what The Perfect Storm wanted to be: a play-by-play description of the sinking of a fishing boat in horrendous seas. Tougias could do for us what Junger could not because the boat under discussion in this story, the ironically-named Fair Wind, left a survivor behind, the aptly-named Ernest Hazard. YOU HAVE TO LOVE THOSE NAMES!

Ernie definitely had a rough time of it. The author, Michael Tougias, essentially told you in this book what happened after that last scene we remember from the movie version of The Perfect Storm: Ernie escaped from the boat exactly as Marky Mark Bobby Shatford did in the movie, only he latched onto a life raft and proceeded to spend the next fifty or so hours FIGHTING TO SURVIVE in hundred-foot seas in November, without a coat or even boots on, with nobody aware that the boat had sunk.

If the cover art on the book reminds you of the front cover of your copy of the movie about the Andrea Gail, there's a reason for it. Just about every moment of the Fair Wind's ordeal must have been drawn upon to make the movie version of Junger's book. I knew that a lot of the tribulations before the sinking that they used in the movie (the near-drowning, the Mako kiss) were cobbled together from bad experiences Junger described in the book as happening to Dale Murphy on other fishing trips. No Naked Ape will ever know exactly what happened to the Andrea Gail at the moment of the sinking, and apparently the filmmakers just drew on this story instead.

It adds a little flavor to the proceedings that Bob Brown, who would one day own the Andrea Gail, was out in this same storm in his own boat, taking photos of the waves as the Fair Wind was sinking, and generally marvelling at the scene. That's Bob for you. HE NEVER BROKE A NAIL. I love that guy.

Human readers will think this is a great tragedy -- the shattered lives, the loved ones left behind, all because of a "malfunctioning" weather buoy (chuckle). To a fish reader, the only tragedy is that WE DIDN'T MANAGE TO RECRUIT ERNIE AS WELL. I, personally, NEVER GET TIRED of reading about storms at sea as seen from the human point of view. You and I know how peaceful it is DOWN BELOW no matter how rough the surface gets. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FISH TAKE DRAMAMINE?

I really wish they had been able to follow the adventures of the Fair Wind and the rest of the crew AFTER she capsized, but THOSE ARE THE BREAKS when you're stuck with a human writer. Anyway, If Tougias had written what happened to Rob Thayer, Billy Garnos, Dave Berry, and indeed the Fair Wind herself, that would be considered a maor security leak, and Tougias would have to be KILLED and EATEN.

But let me say again: this is a great read. DROP EVERYTHING AND GET A COPY. We can discuss it at the Book Club meetings at the end of the month.

MIDNIGHT PEARLS

Well, what can I say about this one? This is a Young Adults type of paperback intended to ring a few changes on the story of The Little Mermaid. Debbie Viguie wrote it; I gather she specializes in retelling fairly tales. The copyright date is 2003 and the publisher of my edition is Simon Pulse.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS SLIM VOLUME:

>> The story has a pleasant Green Child feeling to it that makes the story just... about... bearable. But that was almost the only bearable thing about this novel.

>> The author clearly has NO FEELING for the lives we lead underwater. As near as I can tell, she sees NO DIFFERENCE between human and piscatorial love AT ALL. The life of a Mermaid -- as if we were still making them at this late date! -- seems in this book to be identical to that of any teenaged human. PERISH FORBID!

>> The story seems to be set "long ago and far away," in the seaside kingdom of Aster. But the author keeps lapsing into last week's American slang. The characters also behave in modern American ways, for instance the fact that not one, but two members of Aster's aristocracy, one of them bound to sit on the throne someday, are planning to marry pretty commoners who are CLEARLY NOT QUITE HUMAN, with the cheerful blessings of their fathers. In fact, I was struck by the way all the parents in this story take a modern, American "do whatever makes you happy, honey" type of approach to childrearing. It makes it 100% impossible to believe as you read along.

>> I kept wanting to say "Get real!" as I read this one. If greenish, translucent naked people kept washing up on the beach in any "long ago and far away" place on MY home planet, they would have been stoned to death or burned as witches, not married off to princes. In fact, it would probably happen pretty much the same way if they started washing up this week, although I assume they would be interrogated and dissected before disposal. Come on! If it were THAT easy, we wouldn't need to hide ourselves in the first place.

>> Listen up, Debbie: Mermaids have NO interest in marrying men on land. They draw them into the sea like Lemmings -- NOT the other way around. The operatives who marry men on land do it to produce more landfish who can eventually join us in the deep. The men are welcome to join us there, too, but if they resist or blow our cover, they will be KILLED and EATEN.

>> This story stands to profoundly confuse young girls who may already be in the process of transformation. And you know how gullible even partially-transformed Naked Apes can be when they read anything that's been published. They tend to treat it as factual, authoritative, binding, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRELY WRONG IT IS. Think of the characters in all those movies and stories -- 'Salem's Lot is a good example -- seriously discussing how to kill vampires based on the comic books they've read. Real life is no different among the Shaved Monkeys; I see it all the time. I used to think that way myself when I was a fully-human travel agent. I blush to remember it now. Except I can no longer blush.

>> Viguie's take on the story guts the whole meaning of The Little Mermaid, as it applies to the fish reader. There are close calls, but no killings. Everyone who is captured escapes in time. The evil spells laid by the Sea Witch are easy to fix. And the ending is happy. Everyone pairs off with his or her One True Love. NOBODY GETS EATEN. Why not put a diagonal banner across the front cover, saying "Sanitized For Your Protection"? Here's a news flash, Debbie: YOU CAN'T WRITE A WAR STORY WITHOUT KILLING OFF A FEW SOLDIERS. I know, I know, humans are clueless about what it is really about when they fall in love with a fish.

>> One piece of this story is a JUST PLAIN OFFENSIVE. Faye, one of the greenish, translucent women who washes ashore, not only FALLS IN LOVE WITH A HUMAN (spare me) but at one point makes some sort of plea to a Higher Power to change her into what she really is -- human. And the wish is granted! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PUKE.

>> And Pearl, our protagonist? Her, I wanted to strangle. ALL our operatives come ashore with a clear, burning, core purpose AND NOTHING CAN TURN US AWAY FROM THAT. That would not be an accurate description of little Pearl, who's buffeted hither and yon by every new development and every male biped who bats his eyes at her and tell her he loves her. All she does, for 197 pages, is kind of hope things will come out okay. GET A GRIP, KID. SERIOUSLY.

>> Ultimately, though, this story left no taste in my mouth. Why? Because there was NO PISCATORIAL LOVE IN IT. None of the fish characters were remotely like the real thing -- they don't even EAT fish, for crying out loud. The Sea Witch wasn't scary. The underwater world wasn't even described. There was no longing to go home to the sea. There was no dread of life up on dry land. IT DIDN'T HURT THE MERMAIDS TO WALK! There was no dramatic tension.

Obviously, I can't recommend this one any more than I can recommend Jaws. Why deliberately spread wrong ideas? And let me note right here on the Internet that I WILL NOT TOLERATE the use of this sort of reading material as disinformation to conceal our true motives. The destructive potential JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.

SHARK LIFE: TRUE STORIES ABOUT SHARKS AND THE SEA

This slender opus by Peter Benchley is copyrighted 2005 to the author and was published by Yearling Press in 2007. As usual with this guy's books, he's managed to REALLY TICK ME OFF.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Once again, the guy whose crap novel launched a thousand piscatorial slaughters -- from the poop decks of a thousand rich-kid yachts -- is trying to MAKE IT RIGHT by writing another book full of worshipful Shark stories. DOESN'T HE KNOW THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE?

>> What ticks me off even more is that HE REALLY SUCCEEDS PRETTY WELL with this book. He's respectful to our Shark operatives, tells us about one cool adventure after another people have had with them, and can tell a Bronze Whaler from a Gray Nurse.

>> He rails against Shark slaughter, especially the grotesque practice of harvesting fins for soup. Remember, THIS IS THE SAME GUY WHO WROTE JAWS.

>> The book is full of good advice -- how not to get caught in an undertow, how to respond if you see a large predator in the water, which Sharks pose the biggest threat to Naked Apes, why you should swim only in groups, that sort of thing. This cheered me up a good deal as I read. JUST TRY AND SAVE YOURSELVES. FOOLS! WE'LL COME FOR YOU WHEN WE'RE READY.

Well, this is great stuff for luring human children into a more piscatorial life, anyway. I bought my copy used, online, and it arrived smelling powerfully of the cedar shavings used to line Hamster cages. I think that tells me a bit about the previous owner.

TWELVE DAYS OF TERROR

Or: OH, BULLSHARKS! Part III...



This is Richard Fernicola, M.D.'s highly-detailed exploration of the 1916 Shark attacks along the Jersey Shore. Copyrighted 2001 and published by Lyons Press.



I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO RECOMMEND THIS OR NOT. It's so -- I don't know -- HUMAN. The author travels from pillar to post and goes back almost a hundred years in time to collect every detail he can possibly scrape up on the Shark attacks of that dim, dead year. Yes, it's essentially the same book as Close To Shore, but less literary and much more data-driven.



In most ways the two books are so much alike I wonder why both of them bothered. I have to say, Fernicola's came out first, so it probably has that elusive quality known among humans as "DIBS." It is also a lot more detailed and MUCH better-researched.



But the total outcome of all that effort is sort of "meh" as far as I'm concerned. The writing is uneven. The author starts to make a point, then apparently forgets about it, then starts to zoom in again, then changes the subject entirely. The copyediting borders on the surreal. Ultimately, he DOES reveal his conclusions, AND ARE THEY EVER WRONG. The nicest part of this book is knowing that even after YEARS of careful investigation by this guy, OUR SECRETS ARE QUITE SAFE.

Feel free to read this one. I can take it or leave it, myself.

THE SKATING POND

This Berkley paperback was published in 2003 and copyrighted to Deborah Joy Corey. I know, I know, it doesn't SOUND piscatorial, BUT WAIT UNTIL YOU READ IT.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON ZE BOOK:

>> The story is set entirely on Deer Isle, Maine, so the characters are pretty much SURROUNDED BY WATER. Dad owns a fishing boat, mom traveled across the ocean from Canada to be with him, and the protagonist, Elizabeth, has essentially NEVER BEEN OFF THE ISLAND IN HER LIFE. She never learns to drive in the course of this story, so if she ever does leave, she's going by boat. At one point in her life she's running 14 miles a day, but does she cross the Deer Isle Bridge? Oh, no. She circles back and heads back to the center of the island. This place is all she has, and all she wants.

>> One thing I want you to notice is how in the course of this story, this girl LOSES JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT THE ISLAND. First her sister is kicked out of the family and sent to live with an aunt. Then dad sells their fishing boat. Then mom takes a hockey puck in the forehead and is never the same again. Then dad's personality -- never that delightful to begin with -- starts to really, really slide. Elizabeth is more and more isolated.

>> The other thing I want you to notice is that because Elizabeth stays put on Deer Isle, only venturing off on a boat, SHE STAYS OK. You sure can't say that for the rest of the cast and crew, the ones who leave. Even mom gets worse every time she seeks medical treatment over the bridge.

>> Where does Elizabeth find happiness? Right there on the island, is where. She never seems to finish school or get a trade or even know how to raise her own kids, but one things she does cheerfully is head out to the ocean in Michael's fishing boat. When not fishing, she appears to be reading about fish. Or cooking them. Or thinking about them. When she breaks this routine, WE KNOW IMMEDIATELY THAT IT'S TROUBLE.

>> The big, big, big thing I want you to notice is that no matter what disaster befalls her, as long as Elizabeth is right there surrounded by the ocean, EVERYTHING IS PROVIDED FOR.

>> The other thing I noticed is that the author's bio on the cover is strikingly like that of Elizabeth's mother in the book. And they all -- Elizabeth, her mother, and the author -- look exactly alike, if you Google up a photo of the writer and compare it to the text. Now, I know that piscatorial biography can be VERY DANGEROUS as far as security leaks go, but I CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THIS ONE. Look out the window, ladies; times are dark and scary, people are terrified for their solvency and security, and NOBODY is more terrified right now than a fisherman's wife. Why? Well, THE FISH ARE HIDING RIGHT NOW. And then there's the itty-bitty oil spill in the Gulf. And the ravenous Sharks leaping into boats to eat the featherless bipeds within. All I'm saying is, NOBODY IS GONNA BELIEVE THAT THE OCEAN IS GONNA PROVIDE FOR ALL HER NEEDS...At least until she's recruited and starts turning into a fish herself.

Read this one! I liked it.

A Scrap Of Piscatorial Verse From W.B. Yeats

Where the wandering water gushes

From the hills above Glen-Car,

In pools among the rushes

That scarce could bathe a star,

We seek for slumbering Trout

And whsipering in their ears

Give them unquiet dreams;

Leaning softly out

From ferns that spread their tears

Over the young streams.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery hand in hand

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

-- from "Stolen Child"

Now, THAT's what I call great recruiting literature!

TIME BANDIT

 

OK, ladies, this is the book that forms one tentacle of the Deadliest Catch TV octopus. The TV version is a reality show following the exploits of the crew of an Alaskan Crab boat called Time Bandit, named after a Terry Gilliam movie in which the characters were threatened with the dire fate of being turned, if they weren't careful, into Hermit Crabs. (They made it sound like a bad thing!) But I digress.

This book, written by Andy and Johnathan Hillstrand with Malcolm McPherson, is less like a typical boring reality show and more like an introspective take on the Crabbing life, as these Bering Sea fishermen experience it. It was published in 2009 by Ballantine Books. The Hillstrand brothers take turns describing their lives and experiences as Alaskan Crab fisherman, plying the water in search of King Crab, Snow Crab and Baradai Crab, who live in the cold, cold, COLD waters of the Bering Sea.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS GRIPPING READ:

>> JUST IGNORE ANDY. This guy, co-owner of Time Bandit and co-author of the book, has indeed been a fisherman all his life, but somehow he still doesn't GET IT. He actually says at one point that he can't decide which he likes better: the fishing life on the wilds of the Bering Sea or the humid flatness of Indiana, where he and his wife own a Horse business. He was raised to a life of Piscatorial Love but really has the soul of a cowboy. >>shudder<<

>> JOHNATHAN IS ANOTHER STORY. This guy -- as his brother Andy freely admits, with a touch of awe -- THIS GUY THINKS LIKE A FISH. He even THINKS LIKE A CRAB. This is what I like to read about! Every chapter written by this guy is full of love and respect for all things beneath the sea -- OK, love, respect, and TERROR. He is enough of a landfish to have been scared for life by seeing Jaws. But he is enough of a seafish to be able to know without being told -- at least without being told by a human -- where the Crabs will be waiting for him when he takes the boat out.

>> The level of superstitious dread in Johnathan's chapters is ENTIRELY PROPER in my eyes. He understands perfectly that he truckles daily with forces MUCH BIGGER than he is, and that for all his precautions and safety drills, DISASTER CAN STRIKE AT ANY MOMENT. He ponders the mysterious deaths of other fishermen he has known, realizing that according to Naked Ape hubris, these people should all still be alive with their boats on top of the water instead of underneath it. No wonder Jaws scared him so much -- this man is painfully aware that WHEN DAGON CALLS, YOU GOTTA GO. Witness that moment when he's stranded on a boat that won't steer, the engine dead, and he hears that Dido song on the radio about "going down with this ship." What does he do? He throws the radio overboard, he says, "as if it were a bomb."

>> He is also aware, not so painfully, that he lives within daily earshot of Dagon's call. Does he hide from that? No. Does he spend half his time in Indiana, playing at being a cowboy like his brother? No. He goes right back out of the ocean the next day, is what he does.

>> Johnathan Hillstrand knows which side of his bread is buttered. Here's a quote from page 9: "I live like a king, I believe, thanks to the blessings of wild Salmon." When he says this he has just gotten through talking lovingly about the pleasures of gill-netting for Sockeyes, whom he loves in an open, admiring way that makes his stance on the fish world unmistakable. He even aligns himslf openly with Sockeyes specifically, saying that they are the biggest, nicest, most beautiful fish of all and even though he can't make catching them pay for some reason, he doesn't even care; he loves them too much to stop.

>> There are a few other clues to where he stands: A) He has devoted his entire life to bringing fish and humans together any way he can. B) When he is not fishing commercially, he is quite likely to be found doing it solo, with a hook and line. C) His brother Andy, a co-owner of the boat and business, is often to be found barrel-riding in the Midwest, but not Johnathan; he is never away from the Alaskan coast for very long. D) He has brought at least one of his children into the business. There may be others warning up in the bullpen.

>> Above all, Johnathan knows very well that he is taking a terrible chance every time he goes out on the ocean, BUT HE DOES IT ANYWAY. He seems, alternately, to be TERRIFIED OUT OF HIS PANTS and basially OK with it. As he says philisophically at one point, "Shit happens when you party naked."

I want you to read this, ladies, to bask in the fellowship of someone you may never meet but who nevertheless THINKS LIKE WE DO.

WE'LL SEE YOU SOON, JOHNATHAN.

HER NAME, "TITANIC"

This neat little paperback is copyrighted 1988 to Charles Pellegrino and was published in its mass-market form by Avon Books.

WHAT A GREAT READ. It almost seems to have been designed to appeal to both fish and humans, and it definitely appeals to those who are A LITTLE OF BOTH. While there's a lot of technical blah-blah in here, it never gets TOO THICK to wade through. EVEN A CATFISH LIKE ME CAN UNDERSTAND IT. There's also a lot of quoted discussion between the various parties involved in finding Titanic. Some of it you can take and some you can leave.

What I like, though -- and why I recommend this is as recruiting literature -- is the way the book is EQUALLY MOVING whether you are reading it from the point of view of one of US or one of THEM. A human is going to see the drowning of 1500 people as the familiar tragic clusterfunk that has NEVER LEFT THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE GLOBAL SHAVED-MONKEY COLLECTIVE. We all know THAT story. There were no binoculars to be found for the guy in the crow's nest looking for icebergs; it hit the ship just right to flood all the watertight compartments; there weren't enough lifeboats; the lifeboats were lowered less than half-full; yattata yattata yattata.

But read from a fish perspective, it's a GLOWING TESTAMENT to the teamwork and collective will that went into welcoming 1500 recruits home to the deep, where they dwell in wonder and glory forever. You see very few references to undersea life in the course of this book, but we were RIGHT THERE making sure it all went down smoothly -- you should pardon the expression.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Even some of the technical blah-blah helped bring the point home, like the diagram on page 93 that showed the scale of the Titanic compared to the World Trade Center -- which was still standing when this book went to press, of course -- and how laughably they are both dwarfed by the 2 and a half vertical miles of ocean water holding the ship in place today.

>> What somehow makes this all come together for the author is his interest in space travel, and the way the discovery of the wrecked ship coincided so closely with the Challenger explosion. He feels the two disasters went down for much the same reasons, and I'll take his word for it. But he seems to make NOTHING of where the Challenger ended up. Don't you see it, Chuck? Bottom of the ocean? Hello? He's critical of those who defy Fate by saying this boat can't be sunk or that no little piddling ice storm can damage our big, bad spaceship. But he doesn't notice that in both instances, THE FISH TOOK OVER IN THE END.

>> The rare references to marine life in this book only go to suggest that there is MUCH MORE down there, in Pellegrino's opinion, that bears studying. Nice attitude. And the descriptions he gives of what he sees -- implying that some of the operatives at that depth defy description and that some of them are rather dreadful, like the one he compares to the title character in Alien -- will probably lead new little Ballards and Cousteaus to start building their own submersibles. BRING 'EM ON. I DARE YOU.

>> A lot of the book is a minute-by-minute timeline of what survivors told the papers and the investigators about the sinking itself. I WELL UNDERSTAND your concerns about the reports of those who nearly died, who felt a strange peace and acceptance come over them, and then got spat or hauled out of the water somehow. ("An unlikely calm swept over him," etc., on page 114 is an example. It even mentions that the guy goes into a rage when he gets spat out by the ship, sucked back in, as if she couldn't make up her mind. REALLY too close for comfort, I agree, in that case.) I consider these security leaks to be WITHIN TOLERANCES. If people start to toy with the idea that accepting for fate at sea is not that bad, WHERE'S THE HARM IN THAT? Pellegrino NEVER COMMENTS on how they FELT about being hauled or spat out of the water, AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.

>> Much is made of the BRAVERY of those left behind on the ship, like the telegraph operator who commented cheerfully "It's definitely fish for breakfast for us tomorrow. Or vice versa." BRAVERY, or EAGERNESS, you may well ask!

>> Obviously, this book can be displayed QUITE SAFELY on just about ANY bookshelf. Even now that the movie has had its fifteen minutes of fame, and everyone has calmed down and gone home, there's NO SHAME in being interested in the subject. People have been studying the sinking for almost a century and there's NO END IN SIGHT.

>> This makes a TERRIFIC companion volume to one of my favorite novels, Dead In The Water by Nancy Holder. CLICK HERE TO SEE MY COMMENTS ON THAT. It's meant as a companion to Pellegrino's other book on the subject, and Bob Ballard's books as well. THOSE ARE FINE, TOO.

>> As in Pellegrino's other book, Ghosts Of The Titanic, he comments more than once here about the curious effect on the adventurers of seeing the ship. They all cried their eyes out, basically. What they never say -- TO MY RELIEF! -- is whether they cried out of the sense of loss of 1500 total strangers, or out of LONGING to go down and join them. They keep talking about how they want to explore the deep oceans because it's going to be so helpful down the road in space travel, but PLEASE.

ANYWAY, read this one. It's good!

TUNA: A LOVE STORY

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ONE?


Well, it was published by Richard Ellis, one of our best-loved PISCATORIAL ADVOCATES, through Alfred A. Knopf of New York in 2008. I have to say, IT WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED AT ALL.


CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS PULSE-POUNDING PISCATORIAL POLEMIC:

>> I have to say that in spite of the title, there was NOT A DROP OF ROMANCE IN THIS BOOK. Well, that's maybe not true -- Ellis expresses a sincere, but rather bloodless admiration for the Tuna several times in the course of the book, and he quotes some other authors who really raved about them, like Zane Grey (of all people).


>> But THE FACT REMAINS that most of the book is made up of facts, figures, and a VERY monkeycentric history of what might be called the Tuna Wars. The Tuna themselves are not involved at all. They swim in endless circles in underwater pens while the Naked Apes are in pitched battle to maintain control of, and sashimi rights to, the Bluefin, the Yellowfin, the Bonito, and a variety of other close relatives of these mighty operatives.


>> Ellis makes some wonderful points in here about Naked Ape recklessness and their profound confusion about, well, EVERYTHING. Reading about the way the featherless bipeds TWIRL THEMSELVES RIGHT INTO THE GROUND OVER NOTHING is all that keeps me going some days. The section on the mercury poisoning of Tuna -- and, by extension, those they recruit through sandwiches and sashimi -- was wonderfully chilling, and the part about how people stuff their children with Tuna sandwiches because they think it's health food is wonderfully bracing. AND IF YOU ALL DIE OF MINAMATA DISEASE, I SAY GOOD RIDDANCE.

>> Another thing I noticed is the very, very limited natural history available to the Naked Apes about Tuna. OUR SECRETS APPEAR TO BE SAFE FOR THE MOMENT. The only possible breach I saw was the one about the Great White who entered a Tuna pen, swam in endless circles with the others for DAYS, and was evicted without eating a single Tuna. As usual, the shaved monkeys were utterly stumped by these events, but WE DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE US COOPERATING TOO OPENLY, LADIES.

So, overall, I recommend the book -- but romantic, it ain't.