Sunday, May 24, 2009

An Operative Transgresses

I'm DISGUSTED to have to report that one of our Landfish operatives, a flight mechanic named Chiquita "Banana" Wozniak, was caught using Conspiracy funds to purchase, not the fish-themed marbles described in my previous post, but THREE sets of playing marbles called Orangutans.

She was KILLED and EATEN.

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Went Online And Bought Some Electric Eels!


 IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I learned that anyone with Internet access and a credit card can rush out and buy a full set of Electric Eels -- or, heck, multiple sets -- and get them shipped ANYWHERE without the need to cushion, aerate or feed!

OK, OK, I kid. These Electric Eels are marbles -- 24 playing size and 1 shooter. I confess I was startled to see such a thing on sale in this degraded era, when kids don't know what to do with a toy that comes without a power cord. When I was still mobile on dry land, less than 10 years ago, a kid admired some marbles we were both looking at and when I mentioned PLAYING with them, he looked quizzical and said, "There's a game you play with marbles?" I have to say, my heart sank. But today's Internet find buoys me up a bit. SOMEONE OUT THERE STILL UNDERSTANDS the aesthetic thrill, the five-fingered precision and the acquisitive LUST of playing that ancient game. And, yes, I do miss that aspect of being human. SUE ME.
AND SOMEONE OUT THERE IS MAKING FISH MARBLES, BY COD. Besides Electric Eels, you can also buy Tiger Sharks, Jellyfish, Blue Tangs, Octopus and even semi-aquatic ones like Hippo, Flamingo and Polar Bear.

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Goldfish Blessed As Part Of World Animal Day

A Goldfish was blessed to mark World Animal Day.

A Goldfish received a blessing from a Catholic priest in an Amsterdam church to mark World Animal Day. The fish was joined in her blessing by a Canary, a Guinea Pig, a handful of Cats and more than two dozen Dogs.

In a ceremony that was sometimes touching and often comical, Rev. Pierre Valkering led his congregation in songs and prayers — frequently interrupted by meowing and yapping from the pews — before the blessing took place.

The Goldfish received the first blessing and appeared very much in her element as Valkering sprinkled her with holy water.

St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals on whose feast day World Animal Day is held, was the inspiration for the service — a seven-year-old tradition in Amsterdam.

Posted: October 10, 2007, 2 a.m. EST


I found this article posted at; not very recent as you can see by the post date, but I have gotten so many inquiries about it EVER SINCE that I finally had to RELEASE A STATEMENT.

Our field operative, a Goldfish who prefers to be NAMELESS on this site, wants to reassure all aquatic- and land-fish everywhere that the ceremony was PERFECTLY SERIOUS, and so was the priest involved. Many other priests tagged for this duty could not be compelled to sprinkle holy water on ONE OF US and were relieved of the honor. WE FULLY REALIZE that the very idea of blessing a non-human FLIES IN THE FACE OF CATHOLIC DOCTRINE, but St. Francis remains a remarkably powerful guy in the Monkey heirarchy. And he was one of those zany animal lovers. He's proved to be a much better "in" than even the Grand Guignol with his Fish bell, who has been largely forgotten today. Monkeys have VERY SHORT MEMORIES, especially when it comes to US.

I also need to respond to the angry cards and letters demanding to know why we would need, or want, the blessing of a Shaved Monkey in a dress. WE DON'T. That's the short answer. But let me expand on that. IT NEVER HURTS to do a little tunnel-digging between our sphere and theirs. And you really do need to do the DAMNEDEST THINGS to bring in new recruits sometimes. The Catholics have been a tough nut to crack ALL ALONG because of their queasy relationship with the FISH KINGDOM. Only these people can manage to EAT US WEEKLY, AS PART OF THEIR RELIGIOUS PRACTICE, and still not see the value of our contribution. I say, DO WHAT WORKS.

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