Thursday, December 31, 2009


WOW. What a great movie this is. Just ignore the trifling criticisms you've been hearing, about stock characters and flat acting. (Most of the story's animated, facryinoutloud. Who acts in a cartoon?) Ignore the fact that they stole music from The Perfect Storm (quite appropriately, if you ask me) and sound effects from Jurassic Park. Just go see it, RIGHT NOW. LET ME TELL YOU WHY:

>> The core of the story is a subject dear to EVERY TWO-CHAMBERED HEART: interspecies romance.

>> The forests of planet Pandora are CRAWLING WITH OCEAN LIFE. Sea Lilies! Feather-Duster Worms! Jellyfish! Terrifying Hammerheads! Something new everywhere you look! When I left the theater and got on the road for home, I could hardly fail to notice the contrast between that lush, green, growing place lit by luminous plants and this cold, dead, concrete-paved one, lit by Christmas lights. If my eyes could still produce tears, they would have, all the way home to my tank.

>> One of my favorite touches is the bioluminenscence that sputters to life wherever someone steps in the forest, and becomes subtly omnipresent when the sun sets. Just like home!

>> The LIPs (or Local Indigenous Personnel) on Pandora are blue-skinned, marked with subtle stripes and spots, very long hair and great luminous eyes -- strongly reminiscent of a certain model of operative that has since been discontinued because their alluring presence proved a little too overwhelming for the Naked Apes to handle. And it is one of these that causes a Shaved Monkey to fall in love with her, GO OVER THE WALL and take up arms against his own species. Nuff said?

>> The message of this story is ENTIRELY POSITIVE: Even the seemingly invincible Shaved Monkeys have their tactical weaknesses, AND WE WILL PREVAIL. I also like the implied message that we don't need to recruit them all, and make them all into versions of US, to get there. We will prevail ANYWAY.


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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Another Reason You Should Love Your Goldfish

Only those in the Deep South are unlikely to know this, but I want to remind ALL MY READERS that the Goldfish is not only beautiful, fascinating, adaptable, and a FEARLESS, SELF-SACRIFICING SPY FOR OUR CAUSE. She is also virtually IMMUNE TO THE RIGORS OF WINTER. One recruit after another has successfully raised these little beauties in outdoor ponds YEAR AFTER YEAR with no sign of discontent or frostbite. In fact, the Goldfish prefers to be out in the world where she can deepen her stunning colors and preen in the bright sun. Many, many of their legions pine away in shady, cramped indoor bowls for the sake of spying on Naked Apes and recruiting their sticky-fingered offspring, but we want EVERYONE, yes, even the Blue Herons and Snowy Egrets to be recruited -- so let us out in the ponds too! Let us out into the lakes where we can capture the attention of fly fishermen and waders. Let us into the streams where we can distract you from the Rainbow Trout and other operatives who may need protection from the bipeds until they can complete OTHER MISSIONS. Let us into the Great Lakes so we can grow large enough to EAT THE DREADED 40-FOOT ASIAN CARP -- our beloved cousins.

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Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Squidmas!

It's beginning to look a lot like fish-men everywhere I go;

From the minute I got to town and started to look around

I thought these ill-bred people's gillslits showed.

I'm beginning to hear a lot of fish-men right outside my door;

As I try to escape in fright to the moonlit Innsmouth night,

I can hear some more.

They speak in gutteral croaks

And to hear them provokes

A profound desire to flee;

Their eyes never blink, and quite frankly they stink

Like a carcass washed up from the sea!

I wishI'd paid attention to that crazy, drunken man!

He tried to warn me about old Marsh's Deep One clan!

It's beginning to look a lot like fish-men everywhere I go;

They can dynamite Devil Reef, but that'll bring no relief

Y'ha N'thlei is deeper than they know!

I'll continue to see a lot of fish-men, that I guarantee;

For the fish-man I really fear is the one that's in the mirror --

And he looks like me!

He looks just like me!

-- piscatorial lyrics by the thrice-exalted Andrew Leman

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