CNBC Admits Existence of Santa Squid!!!

INCREDIBLY, not only was a special visit from the Jingle Squid NOTICED and FILMED by a news crew -- a CNBC headline ADMITS THE IDENTITY of the special visitor, calling her a "Christmas Squid"!  That's about as close to the truth as you can EXPECT from a Shaved Monkey reporter, even at Squidmas time.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Of COURSE she visited Japan and nowhere else.  Where else is she going to the appreciation she deserves?

>> She wisely chose NOT to appear in Tokyo Bay, where Godzilla has waded ashore so many times, instead choosing Toyama Bay, already well-known for its population of so-called Firefly Squid.  "Cephalopods of a feather," and all that.

>> While the North American concept of the Jingle Squid involves a gift-wrapped box in each tentacle, just to tie it in with that creepy housebreaker Santa Claus, the Japanese understand that such a sighting is A GIFT IN ITSELF.  Adding gift wrapping would only GILD THE LILY.

>> The news item pointed out that a frogman accompanied the visitor back to the open ocean without attempting to kill or dissect our operative -- a pretty respectful interaction compared to this living crime scene, which we remember bitterly from the headlines of Squidmas 2006:

Does anyone but me remember the headline?  "Giant Squid Captured Live On Film And Dead On Hook."  It hardly bears thinking about.

But this latest encounter suggests some Naked Apes are CATCHING ON.  Who knows? 

IN THE HEART OF THE SEA

This one,  recent 2015 release, is STILL SHOWING in the theaters, and is coming soon to a DVD outlet near you.  We watched it on the big screen, hoping it would be a heartwarming Squidmas tale about the successful recruitment of Nantucket whalemen.

WE WERE WRONG ON THAT ONE.

This is the nightmarish, Hollywooded-up version of the true story that was the basis of Moby-Dick by Herman Melville.   Melville was kind to us, bringing the Whale and his recruit inexorably together COME WHAT MAY.  In the end the recruitment was successful and the Whale got his man.  THERE WAS NO SUCH SUGARCOATING HERE. 

Unfortunately, most of the TRULY HORRIFIC aspects of the story were left intact, and apparently the director (Ron Howard) thought it wasn't PUNCHY enough as it really was, so they put their monkey heads together and MADE IT WORSE.  That is, from a Naked Ape standpoint.  But -- probably by accident -- they made the story worse from OUR point of view as well. 

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> In real life, the Essex did not explode.  But these days, if an adventure movie is made in America by Naked Apes, THERE NEEDS TO BE A BIG EXPLOSION. 

>> In reality, the barrels of whale oil leaked heavily during the sinking, covering the shivering recruits in a last-ditch attempt to wrap them in their DESTINY.  In reality, that message was LOST as completely as the Essex herself.

>> In the movie, the Whale that sank the ship followed the overloaded whaleboats for DAYS AND DAYS -- the way Bruce the Shark followed the Orca in Jaws.   But, mysteriously -- showing that Ron Howard and his film crew have NO CONCEPT of what really motivates us -- the Whale never made another move on the plucky survivors.  LIKE THAT WOULD REALLY HAPPEN!

>> In reality, after the Whale gave up in disgust, others stepped in to help -- an Orca, then a Shark, then a happy, inviting welcome wagon committee of Porpoises.  Each time, they got NO RESPONSE.  The humans aboard the whaleboats SIMPLY WEREN'T HAVING IT.  It's rare indeed for NOT A SINGLE HUMAN to respond to the OFFER OF A LIFETIME in a situation like this.  As it worked out, NOBODY got recruited.  It's often the one you want most that you can't get, and one of those coveted bipeds was aboard the Essex that day, but come on, this was RIDICULOUS.

>> The facts are spelled out, largely correctly, in hideous detail in the book this movie is based on: 

>> Of course, the whole story is told from THEIR point of view, not OURS.  But it's an interesting slant if you're a fish reader.

>>  Once the crew abandoned the wreck, the story got TRULY UGLY from ANYONE's point of view.  The Galapagos Tortoises, our landlocked sisters, were the first to go -- mercifully.  But it didn't help with OUR recruitment efforts OR THEIRS -- in fact, the island they came from had already been burnt to a crisp by Thomas Chappel, an Essex crewmember with an impish sense of humor.  THAT'S GRATITUDE.

>> They never used pieces of their dead crewmates to signal a readiness to have us COME NIGH. They just, you know, ate each other.

>> Water, water everywhere -- but did they ever go in for a dip?  Did they do any fishing?  DID THEY ASK US TO GO FISHING FOR THEM?  Nope.

>> There is even a suggestion in the book -- happily untrue! -- that Owen Chase, the first mate, went back and killed their recruiting operative Whale as soon as he had a ship of his own.  Ugh!  That stuff is best confined to fictional treatments of this tragic story.

Don't watch this alone.  Don't, certainly, read the book alone.  You'll need to process what you see in either version, with someone who TRULY UNDERSTANDS.

Never Fear, Ladies...

As much as the featherless bipeds try to explain the secrets of the operative they call the Humboldt Squid, they will NEVER UNDERSTAND.

I wanted to reassure all of my readers, not least because it's Squidmas time, that their blame fool attempts to understand these particular operatives have all been FOR NAUGHT.  They can't seem to understand the true meaning of LIVE FAST, DIE YOUNG.  They can't understand why the same operative who shoots seawater in their faces and rips at them with her beak when they are KILLING HER is also capable of understanding and gentleness in a different situation.  They REALLY can't grasp how a creature can be SO INTELLIGENT BY THEIR STANDARDS despite having a lifespan that is only about a year long.  They don't even understand what we are saying when we change colors, for crying out loud -- these shaved monkeys who think they are the masters of language.

Reading about their attempts to understand us really have the girls at R&D in stitches.  The closer you are to turning completely into a fish, the funnier it gets.

Remember The Reason For The Season!

MERRY SQUIDMAS, EVERYONE! 

 

FROM HANK AND CLIFFIE TO ALL OF OUR RECRUITS!

 

AND THEIR RECRUITS! 

 

AND THEIR RECRUITS!

 

HAVE SOME FRUTTI DI MARE SALAD AND THINK OF US! 

 

 

 

 

You can bet your fins we're thinking of you!

It's That Time Of Year Again!

This fine image -- of a Fishmas ornament for your Squidmas tree -- is available here, at the Trollart website. The array of Fishmas (and non-Fishmas) greeting cards, piscatorial t-shirts, posters, refrigerator magnets, calendars and you name it CONTINUES TO GROW.   Click here to see a newish personal favorite of mine, one that suggests not only a fine holiday destination (if you're not a sun worshipper) but a GREAT place to recruit even the most stubborn landlubber. 

 

I'VE ALREADY PLACED THIS YEAR'S ORDER.  YOU WILL BE DOING THE SAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, LADIES.

 

THAT'S AN ORDER.

What I DON'T see, on this site or most any other, is any type of Squidmas wrapping paper for the gifts.  Just a hint, there, Ray.  I know we've discussed it before, and you explained why it's easier said than done, but still.  Imagine the money you'd rake in, not only at Fishmastime, but for birthdays under the sign of Pisces, not to mention anyone named Pike, Bass or Trout, and special occasions of all kinds for the piscatorially inclined!  I'm just putting it out there, Ray.