It's Finally Here! Tonight on the SyFy Channel!

And get this:  DAVID HASSELHOFF IS IN THIS ONE.

Nessie Dismissed As Big Catfish By Monster Hunter

This guy thinks he has our most famous Scots operative doped out at last.  Steve Feltham, who gave up his home, girlfriend, and the rest of his life to search for the Loch Ness Monster in 1991, admits that he has found NOTHING to indicate that there is an Elasmosaur lurking in the icy depths of the famous Scottish lake.  He thinks Nessie is probably a Sheatfish or Wels.  You know, like Kuno, our famous  Moenchengladbach operative from the European Conspiracy Zone?

 

Of course, as I have explained in a much earlier Cliffie's Note, Nessie is neither a single Sheatfish nor an Elasmosaur.  But not enough people read this blog to understand the subtlety of our methods.  And I am not about the BLOW OUR COVER by revealing why there is a Nessie in the first place.  The Naked Apes keep falling back on these ridiculous explanations that do nothing but MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

CATFISH?  You just keep telling yourself that, Shaved Monkeys.

(See?  Even the Elasmosaurs are laughing at you.)

Disaster In Bristol Channel

Here you see Marie Lord and Lee Searle of Weston-super-Mare, Somerset, England.  They are standing at the entrance of the Anchor Head Hotel, where Searle works as a porter.  She lives about half a mile away.  Together they have managed to upset EVERYONE IN THE FISH ARMY.

It happened like this:  Lord got out of bed at 1:30 a.m. BST, just a few days ago now, and legged it to the edge of the sea.  This raised some eyebrows later on, because she cannot normally manage this on her own, needing to lean on someone to negotiate the descent from dry land to OUR DOMAIN.  But negotiate it she did, until she suddenly realized she could taste saltwater.  She turned tail and got back up onto the rocks, screaming for help until Searle came along with blankets and called for assistance.  She was rushed to the nearest hospital and treated for what they called "the beginning stages of hypothermia."  Searle is now hailed as a hero; Lord is dismissed as a sleepwalker.

SO WHAT IS THIS REALLY ABOUT?

>> All I can say up front is, thank Scrod this didn't happen in MY recruitment zone.  Who knows how many of our best operatives would have to be KILLED, and EATEN, to make sure than no further recruits slip away in this manner.  It threatens EVERY ONE OF US when something like this happens.

>> All you have to do is LOOK AT THE NEWS PHOTO to see the facts.  Lord's recruitment status.  How far along her transformation is.  And get a load of Searle, too! I think one look at HIM tells you EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. 

>> This incident is bad for landfish around the world, bad for our aquatic operatives, and especially BAD FOR ENGLAND.  Muffy, the Conspiracy Zone leader for England among other areas, is quite anxious about what this will do to recruits who DON'T want to be rescued.  We all remember what the release of Jaws did to our Shark operatives -- no matter the intent of the filmmakers.

>>  A saving grace here is that nobody appears to have noticed that Lord's "hypothermia" was NOTHING OF THE SORT.  The drawback in this situation is that with Lord misdiagnosed as a sleepwalker, she is probably going to be on a SHORT CHEMICAL TETHER in the immediate future, maybe PERMANENTLY.  In these times, EVERY RECRUIT COUNTS.

>> What grinds me is that we will not be able to do anything at all about Searle.  It would BLOW OUR COVER.  If I still had legs I would go kick a tree.

I am not going to post our findings about what went wrong here on the Net.  You'll be hearing about it at your local chapter meeting.

James Whale: Closet Case?

 

Here we see movie director James Whale behind the scenes of his most famous movie, with his most famous character -- Frankenstein's Monster -- as interpreted by Boris Karloff.

Now, there have been a few serious, even grim questions directed to me about this Whale fellow.  What sort of Whale is he?  Why do we never see a photo of him in the water -- even in the movie made about his private life, Gods and Monsters, featuring scene after scene shot by the side of his backyard pool as he reminisces about the good old days he spent there in the drink?  Is he one of the rumored piscophobic converts who accepts delivery of the fish DNA, then fights becoming a fish every step of the way?  If so, why didn't he change his name to Stone, or Toyoda, or ibn Al-Abbad?  If his name is just a coincidence, why did he never get converted to our cause?  What gives?

The short answer, ladies:  I don't know.  But the very fact that I don't know suggests strongly that he is NOT an operative in our glorious Cause, and never was. 

Here's what I was able to find out: 

>> Not one of his films has been piscatorial in theme.  Not one!  Gods and Monsters comes the closest, because of the ever-present swimming pool, which you have to admit isn't much in itself.  And Whale didn't lens that one.  It was meant to be his life story, and we never saw him get wet.

>> None of our Whale operatives has ever heard of him, even the ones who can personally remember the years when he lived and the day he died.  That's remarkable when you consider that his Frankenstein is one of the most-watched films of all time, even by Shaved Monkeys with no interest in horror pictures.

>> This is what really caught my attention.  Remember the scene between the monster and the little girl in Frankenstein?  He's playing with her by the side of the well, and due to his low social skills -- which in human cinema is shorthand for INHUMAN AND DANGEROUS -- he pitches her into the well by mistake.  She drowns!  The horror!  And the villagers get out their torches and pitchforks, seeking revenge.  Astoundingly, in a movie where someone is sewing dead monkeys together and bringing the pieces back to life, it's also possible for death by drowning to be a disaster for a whole village.  The little girl is never reanimated, like the pieces that make up the monster, and she never finds a new destiny in the water, as Sadako did in The Ring.  They just, you know, dropped the ball.  WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?

So I suspect that in all the excitement surrounding the Spanish Flu Epidemic of 1918, with all those Naked Apes drowning in their beds and REPORTING STRAIGHT TO US to the tune of 100 million new recruits -- our biggest recruiting coup since Noah's Flood -- Whale was simply overlooked. 

You win some, you lose some, I guess. 

We still got Schmuel Geldfisch, though, right?