Sunday, December 31, 2006


This film was released in 1982, directed by Richard Jeffries. It stars James Earl Jones, Deborah Shelton and Jose Ferrer. I found it on a compilation disc called Tales From The Boneyard. I was all excited when I saw on the disc's box copy that the male lead, a scuba diver named Frye (played by Jones), has disturbed a virgin-eating sea monster left dormant for centuries.

Was I disappointed! The movie lavished every drop of attention on the dynamics between Madeline (Shelton), an unbalanced artist who's been fascinated all her life by this particular Greek island, and who never contacted home again after finally going to see it; her brother, a rich playboy type who treats the locals as ignorant savages; and Frye, who is actually (and accurately) accused by the other characters of overacting. There are a few other miscellaneous characters of no real import, except for the island's mayor, played by Ferrer, and a lovely young girl named Lethe who never speaks but who bears a striking resemblance to both Madeline and the terrified virgin we see being sacrificed in an ancient ceremony in the film's opening sequence.

See, it turns out that Madeline is a virgin herself still -- almost unheard of among attractive women in the wake of the "Me Decade" -- and has been having dreams that SHE is the sacrificed virgin. At one point she pours an entire bottle of perfume over herself and then steps into the ocean in an apparent trance. Perhaps significantly, she stays on neither of the American yachts, but prefers to live with the island's community of nuns -- in this movie they call that a "monastery."

Oh, the sea monster? Frye finds a bricked-up cave entrance in a section of the island thrust underwater in an ancient earthquake; convinced there will be all kinds of treasure inside, he gets out his plastic explosives and blows it open, releasing WE KNOW NOT WHAT. Obviously one of our operatives, because Madeline's research uncovers an old ikon of a scaly, horse-faced monster preparing to mate with a virgin sacrificed by the good townspeople. We even see the star for a fraction of a second, putting the munch on a terrified woman. But basically, that's it. He doesn't even marry her first.


The one thing that really recommends this movie to me is the subliminal mating call that draws Madeline all the way from Anytown, USA to an obscure Greek Island that hates visitors. There she finds herself perfectly welcome, actually living with the people there and allowed to rummage among and restore their art treasures. And she gradually realizes that the good townspeople are in league with the secret of the bricked-up cavern.

There was one expositionary subplot that really did me good: when a couple of women are munched by the escaped terror, the nuns are piously crossing themselves and saying their little modrun prayers over the coffins, but the menfolk are performing some much more ancient rituals with the bodies, over the protest of the nuns. Well, THE NUNS EVENTUALLY GET THEIRS, BELIEVE ME.

If only they hadn't taken so long to get to the good parts!

Woman Injured By "Overexcited" Dolphin In New Zealand

This looks like yet another example of overeager recruiting, but it isn't. Just a terrible Dolphin-launch accident. It nearly resulted in disaster for everyone involved. And I'm sorry to say that in the wake of all the other recent run-ins between the Wet and the Dry, we are potentially looking at REAL TROUBLE.

Add 'em up: The three Alligator killings in a few weeks' time in Florida. The Stingray that finished the acting career of Steve Irwin. The second Stingray who nearly polished off an 85-year-old fisherman in Florida a short time later. The Sea Lions biting people's feet off on the West Coast. The string of Shark attacks hither and yon. The Killer Carp invasion in Ohio. I know I'm forgetting quite a few.

Do you see the problem? If anyone human puts all this together, YOU KNOW HOW THEY'RE GOING TO SEE IT: We will become the enemy. This is going to put a serious crimp in our ability to save them from themselves, BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE SOLD FROZEN TO MRS. PAUL.

With any luck someone like William Girdler will just sew it up into something like Day Of The Animals 2: The Fish, but can we really count on an international phenomenon being shrunk down into a B-movie and dismissed?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Adopt A Fish This Squidmas

CLICK HERE to SUPPORT THE CAUSE by bringing more Fish together with more Humans, in a strangely commercialized way designed by the landscum. This Web page even offers a Fish Of The Month Club. You HAVE to like that.

Hal, the Alligator Gar was going to make Colorado his new base of operations after the Belle Isle Aquarium in Detroit closed down for good. As you'll recall, he died in transit. My investigation is ongoing. At his writing, the jury is out, split fifty/fifty between "Hal was killed by manhandling" and "Hal died of homesickness." I, of all catfish people, know how hard it is to leave Detroit behind. I'd like to thank Kwame Kilpatrick for throwing him out on the street, ending his glorious life and stellar career. I knew they shouldn't have voted him in. Never vote for anyone who has his ears on upside down, that's what I always say.

I'm adopting two operatives in memory of Hal.

Idiot Kills And Eats Deer With Crab Pincers

I'll risk the wrath of the Associated Press by simply printing this article here, because I couldn't get it to link properly. Please note the name of the reporter covering this story -- he goes on Dagon's Happylist for bringing this to my attention:

"Wisconsin man bags deer with 7 legs

Associated Press
Last update: December 13, 2006 – 8:03 PM

Patrick Flood, Fond du Lac Reporter via Associated Press

FOND DU LAC, Wis. — Rick Lisko hunts deer with a bow but got his most unusual one driving his truck down his mile-long driveway.
The young buck had nub antlers — and seven legs. Lisko said it also had both male and female reproductive organs.
"It was definitely a freak of nature," Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity."
He said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit.
When he looked at the animal, he noticed three- to four-inch appendages growing from the rear legs. Later, he found a smaller appendage growing from one of the front legs.
"It's a pretty weird deer," he said, describing the extra legs as resembling "crab pinchers."
"It kind of gives you the creeps when you look at it," he said, but he thought he saw the appendages moving, as if they were functional, before the deer was hit.
Warden Doug Bilgo of the state Department of Natural Resources came to Lisko's property near Mud Lake in the town of Osceola to tag the deer.
"I have never seen anything like that in all the years that I've been working as a game warden and being a hunter myself," Bilgo said. "It wasn't anything grotesque or ugly or anything. It was just unusual that it would have those little appendages growing out like that."
Bilgo took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.
John Hoffman of Eden Meat Market skinned the deer for Lisko, who wasn't going to waste the venison from the animal.
"And by the way, I did eat it," Lisko said. "It was tasty."
Information from: The Reporter, "

Sometimes, words fail me. Once upon a time even humans understood that a rare specimen like this -- a hermaphroditic Deer with "crab pincers" as he describes them -- were harbingers of major events. What did this guy do? He ran the messenger down with his truck. And ate it.

Friday, December 15, 2006

A Great Concealment Tip!

Click here to see how it's possible at times to HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT.

I am so totally wearing the outfit on the right to the next office party.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Save The Tree Octopus!

I guess now they will claim to be saving US, instead of the other way around.

I admit it gives me an atavistic little shiver when I see the human news media zooming in on operative species they've just heard of for the first time. We all remember the massacre that followed the release of Jaws. All we can do is hope for the best.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The True Meaning Of Squidmas

One of my crack operatives in Lobster country sent me this priceless link. Click on it for a meditation on what Squidmas is all about: GIVING THE GIFT OF SQUID.

If you can gaze upon these images, and read the sweeping prose poem on this Web page without smiling, then you truly have no soul.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Some Squidmas Thoughts, Both Heavy And Light


I just want to say at the outset that this is going to be one of those blog entries that starts out all heavy, deep and real before it gets to the fun part. Forgive me; I get SO FRUSTRATED with the human race sometimes, and this is the perfect place to LET IT ALL HANG OUT. Fear not, my finny readers -- about halfway through I lighten up and get down to the important business of SQUIDMAS CELEBRATION. There will be some very special SQUIDMAS DECORATION IDEAS towards the end of the entry. SO KEEP READING, or you might not get your Squidmas bonus. Here goes.

Not everyone, not even all humans, are raised Christian. I certainly wasn’t. This shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. One of the negative sequelae of human monotheism is the repulsive practice of religious war. It never fails to puzzle me that right around this time of year, Christian humans start singing special songs about "peace on Earth" and "good will towards men" when we KNOW, EVERYBODY knows, that at all times there are Christians hassling, snubbing or setting fire to someone who follows another faith. DON’T GET ME WRONG; the fewer humans there are left up on dry land, the better. But I loathe stupidity in all its forms, AND THIS IS STUPID EVEN FOR THE HUMAN SPECIES – OUR STUPIDITY CONTEST PRIZEWINNERS, YEAR AFTER YEAR.

I feel bad for the founders. Jesus Christ and his cousin, John the Baptist, tried. They really tried to get people to understand the critical important of WATER when they introduced their reframing of Judaism, founded on Baptism, to the desert dwellers. IT ALMOST WORKED. But you know how things can backfire when you’re dealing with this frikkin’ species. Look out the window or turn on the TV news if you’re unclear on how badly this went wrong.

The piscatorial religions OFFER THE SOLUTION. Not everyone worships, respects or even believes in the gods offered by human religion. BUT EVERYONE LOVES A SQUID.

I hope I can get across to all of you the critical importance of the Squidmas holiday to YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. We all need to relax and backstroke once in a while. We need to pause and remember WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. We need to get back in touch with the true source.


The Sacred Squid – also known at this time of year as the Jingle Squid, or even Santa Squid – is also a critical link in the chain we are slowly tightening around the collective neck of the human race. Here where I live, Christianity is rampant. My readers may be surrounded by Judaism, Shamanism, Islam, Wicca, Hinduism. IS THERE ANY REAL DIFFERENCE? No matter what human religion spreads its stain in your area, EVERYONE EVERYWHERE LOVES A SQUID. Here are a few examples:

>> I read somewhere that in the Hawaiian Islands, the Squid represents FREEDOM. That makes perfect sense. Squid live in tremendously large territories, going where they want when they want. They also move at astounding speed, even flying through the air when they feel like it. This is why the Jingle Squid can visit ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD in a single night, bearing lovely gifts in each tentacle.

>> One centerpiece of the Christmas dinner in Italy is the enchanting frutti di mare salad, made with Cuttlefish, Octopus and SQUID. For some reason, despite the powerful Italian influence on Christianity around the world, consumption of this salad has NEVER CAUGHT ON. We are still working on this.

>> The fact remains that the mellifluous Italian word calamari has made it infinitely easier for even the lumpen proletariat to enjoy Squid, treating it as a Mediterranean delicacy rather than as a squishy dead thing with tentacles. Recently – and better late than never, I say – the Calamari appetizer has appeared on restaurant menus practically everywhere, even here in the Midwest. CAN A FINAL SQUID TAKEOVER BE FAR BEHIND?

>> Hardcore Buddhists refuse to eat meat. But they still love and respect the Squid as a sentient fellow creature.

>> Anyone who claims to be in favor of bringing people of all colors together, in peace and harmony, should think SQUID. The Squid is a true living rainbow. Not many other creatures can turn red, white, black, or blue-with-orange-spots at will. They can even flash back and forth between colors. The most elaborate neon sign can’t hope to keep up.

>> PETA is working on some Squid plans as I write this. Stand by for updates. I hope they don’t screw this one up.

AND HERE IS MY MAGICAL SQUIDMAS DISCOVERY! I knew vaguely that fishermen around the world use Squid as bait for catching other fish. I think we all remember the moving scene in The Perfect Storm, in which the Squid wait patiently in their bins for the shaved monkeys to stop squabbling and GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. Their wordless self-sacrifice, trying to save the humans from themselves, brings me to tears every time…

…But I digress. What I never knew is that all kinds of manufacturers have come out with ARTIFICIAL SQUID, in a staggering variety of styles and colors to go with YOUR SQUIDMAS DÉCOR. You don’t need to feed them or anything. And if you want, you can buy them BY THE GROSS.

I wish you could see the delights spread out in front of me. I was easily able to obtain, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, a lot of 75 rubber Squidlets that seem at first to be red and black. When you hold them up to the light, they are speckled pale pink with a delicate teal stripe down one side. This style – with great big goggle eyes painted onto tiny heads, and far too many extra-long, fringe-like tentacles – also comes in purple glitter. They are made by an outfit called Sea Sky. Luhr-Jensen ("Where Legends Live") sent me something even more fabulous, the B-2 High-Tech Hootchie Candy Squid, with the delightfully plump shape of a real baby Squid, hot pink with silver glitter. These come with a drop of glycerine or something in the plastic bag so they squirt and squish against each other realistically. LOVE ‘EM.

And just today, I got two 3-packs of the prettiest yet. A company called Tsunami ("Awesome Power") makes a holographic Squid, emerald green with iridescent blue foil imbedded in the center, shaped so realistically you expect them to sit up and say "hello." I was hesitating over what to hang on my Squidmas wreath this year, but these beauties really say "deck the halls" to me.

There are plenty of other styles where these came from, people. And the creative possibilities here are endless. A modest pair of dangly Squid earrings...Squid fringe on a favorite poncho or buckskin vest...a really fresh take on tassel loafers. To say nothing of the yearly ritual of making Squidmas wreaths.

What really makes me smile is the months of hard work that must have gone into designing and manufacturing these fishing lures. It shows real dedication – HUMAN dedication – to the glorious goal of bringing humans and Fish together. Little do they suspect that we rise to the hook WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY, regardless of their deceptive tactics.