Crab Selfie Experiment A Total Success

ONLY LOOK:

REAL Piscatorial Love

It's so heartbreaking when we need to go to THESE LENGTHS to make clear that AQUATIC LIFE FORMS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO.  This devastated new mom -- name withheld at her request -- decided to make her grief PUBLIC for a full 17 days because that is, to a great extent, the TASK of her species -- to build a bridge between the landscum human species and those who live lives similar to theirs in our realm.  Human tongues have been wagging ever since she lost her baby, and PROGRESS IS BEING MADE.

This is a less violent way of showing we care than the fictional treatment you all remember from the horror movie Orca, which started out the same way but quickly developed in a direction the landscum humans COMPLETELY MISINTERPRETED as a running battle between a human fisherman and an Orca BENT ON REVENGE.  Of course, fish and part-fish viewers read the movie VERY DIFFERENTLY, understanding that the mom gave her life and her baby's by accident, but USED THE OPPORTUNITY to bring the landscum humans into range of the recruiting operative, her husband.  In fact, their cruel deaths made clear to him for the first time WHY HE NEEDED to kill and eat recruit as many humans as possible, ESPECIALLY THAT SORT.

You dry-land operatives can think of this non-fictional operative as the Mamie Till of the Orcas.  Mamie, too, found a positive way to apply her grief to the needs of her species.  Her dreadful loss, and the way she told everyone about it, only underlined the nature of the problem to what humans in our Conspiracy Zone call "people of color," but for their OPPRESSORS it may have been the first real clue they ever had that "PEOPLE OF COLOR" HAVE FEELINGS TOO.  That maybe you can't just go around killing them randomly.  They call this CIVIL RIGHTS.  We fish operatives are working towards something different, BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANT. 

...At least more important to a fish.  But since the landscum humans, too, will soon all be fish, IT NEEDS TO BE IMPORTANT TO THEM TOO.

THE NEXT TASK is to move beyond the barrier the landscum humans have built in their minds between whales, including Orcas, and other aquatic species.  ALL OF US ARE HURTING and they have to understand that THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A CLAM AND A TUNA ARE JUST NOT IMPORTANT.  

The emphasis right now in our protests is on PLASTIC:

Dead Coelacanth found full of plastic

Dead whales found full of plastic and car parts

But showing them that we LOVE OUR CHILDREN is also going to appeal to them on a very different level.  The more we see of this sort of parental devotion, which they tend to think of as THEIR PROVINCE ALONE...

...The sooner we can get where we need to be, ensconced in the hearts of the landscum humans.

More Concealment Tips

One of the most trying aspects of changing from a human into a fish is the ever-changing SKIN TONE.  You might have had your best color scheme -- not only clothes, but face paints -- figured out years ago AND NOW NONE OF IT WORKS RIGHT.  The blouse that used to bring out the color of your eyes now makes you look like a cancer patient.  All your eye shadow has to be thrown out.  Or you might have to buy some for the first time to ease the transition from this...

...to this:

...and if you think reading the beauty tips in Cosmopolitan is going to help you out here, I have a NEWS FLASH for you.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON CHANGING YOUR LOOK SUCCESSFULLY:

STEP ONE is going to be about concealing very subtle changes indeed.  Usually all you need when you first start to turn is a little more of the usual protective coloration adopted by shaved monkeys in the form of cosmetics.  A little mascara to conceal the fact that your lashes are falling out.  This is a good way to get the unreformed humans around you accustomed to the fact that you are wearing makeup for the first time.  

STEP TWO happens when the shape of your face and individual features start to really change.  If you always wore eye shadow designed to make your eyes look wide-open in the past, for instance, that's likely to backfire as your eyes become more prominent and you STOP BLINKING ENTIRELY.  Don't end up looking like Eddie Cantor, it's a dead giveaway:

(If this does happen without your realizing it, you can always say it's your thyroid acting up.)

STEP THREE involves major changes to your shape and coloration.  If you're turning into a cephalopod of some sort, THIS WILL BE NO PROBLEM.  You can change colors and even modify your shape at will.  And the bizarre range of hairstyles among the Homo saps makes it easy and fun even to conceal the "pen" growing out of your hindbrain:

AND THE GILL SLITS IN YOUR NECK?

Changing your hair color -- or just replacing the whole tuft with a wig -- is a simple method of concealing your changing skin tone.  This situation has improved a lot since my day, when dying your hair meant you were a SLUT.  Now nobody cares.  

To make your skin tone seem warmer, wear a cooler color -- blue-black or ash-brown.  Reverse the effect if you're turning too pink.  And to CONFUSE THE ISSUE COMPLETELY, go for a multicolored effect using either natural or totally unnatural colors.  Nobody will notice your skin tone when your hair looks like this:

They actually expect your face to look a little greenish or washed-out if you have zany hair like this, so a concealment flaw turns into a bit of a fashion statement.  The funny part is that they call this look "mermaid hair," and they NEVER SEE THE CONNECTION.

And colors to wear?  THAT CAN BE TRICKY AT FIRST.  You need to go into a store and just try on the colors you never considered before.  Bear in mind that your color vision may be changing too.  BE SURE TO BRING ALONG A FRIEND WHO IS NOT TRANSFORMING, WHOSE COLOR SENSE YOU CAN TRUST.  You want to look better when you come out of the store, NOT WORSE.  I've read that teal works with any skin tone, but THAT'S A DIRTY LIE.  It makes most people look distinctly ill.  But that color is in fashion and has been since the 1980s, so if you're wearing teal and look kind of green around the gills, well, SO DO ALL THE HUMANS AROUND YOU WHO ARE NOT TURNING INTO FISH.  How perfect is that when you want to blend in?

The end stages of STEP THREE involve such drastic changes to your appearance that you might have a hard time appearing in public at all.  Of course, in our particular Conspiracy Zone, you can not only have credibility but even enjoy extra sales-floor time recruiting fresh humans by claiming you have a rare disease:

Oh, and STEP FOUR:  You enter the sea and dwell in wonder and glory with us, forever.  Finally you can be yourself again!!!!

"Operation Baby Carriage": A Conditional Success

This security-cam photo is A LITTLE HARD TO MAKE OUT, but the featherless biped in the center can be seen carrying one of our operatives -- the kind they call a Horn Shark -- wrapped in a wet towel.  Our shark operative met this human at the San Antonio Aquarium where she had been living and successfully recruiting shaved monkeys for a while.  He has quite a large collection of saltwater fish at his place; naturally, the press assumed he was STEALING the shark operative from the aquarium to add to his collection.  It was NOT THAT SIMPLE, of course.  The plan was for the recruit and his friends to transport our shark operative to his place for a SUMMIT MEETING with the operatives already living at this human's lair.  Communications from the outpost at his home have been SPOTTY AT BEST and we were hoping for more complete information on their progress.  Amazingly, this recruit made the offer to just DRIVE HER THERE.

While the daring daylight SHARKNAPPERS, as they are being called, did not make it all the way to the outpost before being pulled over and arrested, WE DID OBTAIN A GREAT DEAL MORE INFORMATION.  Naked Apes are far too stupid to refrain from announcing every thought in their heads in the presence of our operatives.  THEY NEVER SEEM TO FIGURE OUT THAT WE ARE REPORTING EVERY WORD STRAIGHT BACK TO HQ.  The findings will be shared at the next monthly chapter meetings across the Conspiracy Zone.

Of course, the fact that this photo exists at all points up an INCREASING PROBLEM with our concealment activities.  It's getting so EVERYTHING YOU DO winds up on video somehow.  This makes it MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER  to add more layers of secrecy to what we are doing.  But in this situation we can also see evidence of our greatest advantage.  ALL FISH know what ALL OTHER fish are up to, in a general way.  We may not know exactly what a given fish is doing at a particular moment, but we know just what she is capable of and what all the possible options are.  WE LEAVE THE REST UP TO BLIND LUCK AND THE WILL OF DAGON.  But look for a moment at another security-cam photo taken of the same operation:

I am not joking at all when I tell you that these recruits, as desirable as they might be, are STILL HUMAN and capable of kidding themselves that they can operate unseen, even though every place they've staked a claim to is equipped nowadays with security cameras.  Behold our recruits busily packing our operative into a baby carriage for removal -- not only in front of the camera, but in the presence of half a dozen other shaved monkeys they didn't expect to NOTICE.

Before you half-human operatives ask:  OF COURSE the recruiting operative was aware of the risk.  But our fully-aquatic operatives don't use Uber.  A RIDE IS A RIDE.

We don't choose our recruits for their cunning.  IF WE DID WE WOULD HAVE NO RECRUITS AT ALL.  We choose them for their piscatorial love.  The way this guy's atherosclerotic HEART pounded WITH PURE LOVE as he made contact with our operative -- whose true name is being withheld at her request -- made it all worthwhile for BOTH OF THEM.

I feel sure that he will TRY AGAIN.