More Concealment Tips

One of the most trying aspects of changing from a human into a fish is the ever-changing SKIN TONE.  You might have had your best color scheme -- not only clothes, but face paints -- figured out years ago AND NOW NONE OF IT WORKS RIGHT.  The blouse that used to bring out the color of your eyes now makes you look like a cancer patient.  All your eye shadow has to be thrown out.  Or you might have to buy some for the first time to ease the transition from this...

...to this:

...and if you think reading the beauty tips in Cosmopolitan is going to help you out here, I have a NEWS FLASH for you.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON CHANGING YOUR LOOK SUCCESSFULLY:

STEP ONE is going to be about concealing very subtle changes indeed.  Usually all you need when you first start to turn is a little more of the usual protective coloration adopted by shaved monkeys in the form of cosmetics.  A little mascara to conceal the fact that your lashes are falling out.  This is a good way to get the unreformed humans around you accustomed to the fact that you are wearing makeup for the first time.  

STEP TWO happens when the shape of your face and individual features start to really change.  If you always wore eye shadow designed to make your eyes look wide-open in the past, for instance, that's likely to backfire as your eyes become more prominent and you STOP BLINKING ENTIRELY.  Don't end up looking like Eddie Cantor, it's a dead giveaway:

(If this does happen without your realizing it, you can always say it's your thyroid acting up.)

STEP THREE involves major changes to your shape and coloration.  If you're turning into a cephalopod of some sort, THIS WILL BE NO PROBLEM.  You can change colors and even modify your shape at will.  And the bizarre range of hairstyles among the Homo saps makes it easy and fun even to conceal the "pen" growing out of your hindbrain:

AND THE GILL SLITS IN YOUR NECK?

Changing your hair color -- or just replacing the whole tuft with a wig -- is a simple method of concealing your changing skin tone.  This situation has improved a lot since my day, when dying your hair meant you were a SLUT.  Now nobody cares.  

To make your skin tone seem warmer, wear a cooler color -- blue-black or ash-brown.  Reverse the effect if you're turning too pink.  And to CONFUSE THE ISSUE COMPLETELY, go for a multicolored effect using either natural or totally unnatural colors.  Nobody will notice your skin tone when your hair looks like this:

They actually expect your face to look a little greenish or washed-out if you have zany hair like this, so a concealment flaw turns into a bit of a fashion statement.  The funny part is that they call this look "mermaid hair," and they NEVER SEE THE CONNECTION.

And colors to wear?  THAT CAN BE TRICKY AT FIRST.  You need to go into a store and just try on the colors you never considered before.  Bear in mind that your color vision may be changing too.  BE SURE TO BRING ALONG A FRIEND WHO IS NOT TRANSFORMING, WHOSE COLOR SENSE YOU CAN TRUST.  You want to look better when you come out of the store, NOT WORSE.  I've read that teal works with any skin tone, but THAT'S A DIRTY LIE.  It makes most people look distinctly ill.  But that color is in fashion and has been since the 1980s, so if you're wearing teal and look kind of green around the gills, well, SO DO ALL THE HUMANS AROUND YOU WHO ARE NOT TURNING INTO FISH.  How perfect is that when you want to blend in?

The end stages of STEP THREE involve such drastic changes to your appearance that you might have a hard time appearing in public at all.  Of course, in our particular Conspiracy Zone, you can not only have credibility but even enjoy extra sales-floor time recruiting fresh humans by claiming you have a rare disease:

Oh, and STEP FOUR:  You enter the sea and dwell in wonder and glory with us, forever.  Finally you can be yourself again!!!!