Saturday, February 24, 2018

Wikie's "Security Leak"

Above you see a photo of Wikie the Killer Whale having a chat -- in English -- with a Shaved Monkey recruit in Antibes, France.  Which sort of makes me wonder why they aren't speaking to each other in French, you know what I mean?  But that's not really the point here.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, the video footage that yielded up this still photo sent a chill through fish operatives THROUGHOUT OUR LEGIONS.  It's been the only topic of conversation at the chapter meetings:  is this a big leak or a little one?  Is the human in the photo trying to signal his superiors that SOMETHING IS UP?  ARE THEY ON TO US?  And what, pray tell, is Wikie up to, HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH A RECRUIT IN A HUMAN LANGUAGE ON FILM?

NEVER FEAR, LADIES!  This is all PART OF THE PLAN.  Let me much as I can on the Internet without creating a REAL security leak:


>> The original intent of this exchange, whether anyone filmed it or not, should be obvious.  Humans have NO COMPASSION for any species they suspect is DUMBER THAN THEY ARE, and when I say DUMBER I mean that in both senses of the word.  Now that they know for sure a Killer Whale is capable of imitating human speech, the trickle of monkey dollars towards Orca research is going to turn into a FLOOD.  If it speaks, it deserves attention from researchers, at least in the minds of the Shaved Monkeys.

>> This is also likely to divert more of those flowing dollars into Killer Whale preservation.  What helps a few of us obviously HELPS US ALL.  It makes me grind my pharyngeal TEETH to think that we need help from these destructive pests, but it's still true for the moment.  WE CAN'T AFFORD TO TURN THOSE DOLLARS AWAY.

>> Listen carefully to the conversation.  There are HOURS AND HOURS MORE of it, JUST LIKE THIS.  Please note that WIKIE GIVES NOTHING AWAY.  If in the eyes of a Naked Ape she sounds extraordinarily intelligent and responsive to humans, to OUR sensitive ears she sounds even DUMBER THAN A HOMO SAP.!  This, ladies, is NO ACCIDENT.

This is, in short, one of the greatest moments of MISDIRECTION in the unrecorded history of the Fish Revolution.

Show some respect!

Saturday, February 10, 2018



Well, I figure I should start with the movie's title.  Although the box this movie came in reads Shark Island, it turns out that it's fairly hard to find under that title; it was originally called Shark Week, which I assume they changed because it's too easy to confuse with the deadly boring theme week aired once a year by the Discovery Channel.

THIS movie -- Shark Week, aka Shark Island -- is a 2012 release starring a handsome assortment of CARTOON SHARKS.  The plight of the humans in the story is supposed to be the focus, of course -- this was made entirely BY Naked Apes, FOR Naked Apes.  But it's still worth watching for you and me.


>> I've always heard that if there is an ILLUSTRATION on the cover of a film box rather than a STILL from the movie, you can rest assured that the scene depicted never appears at any point in the story.  That turned out to be true!!!  This TERRIBLY EXCITING image of sexy young surfers being overwhelmed by a flying operative not only doesn't happen; those aren't even the right humans! 

>> The real story is supposed to be about a couple of attorneys, an undercover cop, a reporter, a narcotics addict, an emergency medical technician, and a guy who works for a drug cartel who find themselves kidnapped by a man named TIBURON.   Yeah, his name means SHARK.  And he pits his prisoners against a series of SHARKS.  He wants to see them get killed, apparently.  Thing is, he doesn't seem to really notice when one of the Sharks under his command gets killed, and he gives his prisoners weapons to fight them off.  WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON, ANYWAY?

>> I noticed when Googling that not only does this movie share its name with another phenomenon called "Shark Week;" it also shares part of its other title with another movie, Prisoner Of Shark Island.  This will make information even harder for you to find, even if you still have fingers that will work a computer keyboard designed for Shaved Monkeys.

>> And apparently the movie even shares characters.  Check out this photo of Patrick Bergin, who plays the evil Tiburon in the movie under discussion:

Now check out a poster from the other movie:

It's an almost identical guy!  COINCIDENCE?

>> Tiburon puts his prisoners into a bunch of crazy booby-trap scenarios, all of them featuring SHARKS, and chuckles over it when one after another of them dies.  He has cameras set up everywhere so he can see and hear the prisoners' every move, and loudspeakers installed so he can narrate the proceedings.  I think the filmmakers were trying to remind us of Saw, but you know what it made me think of?  The Last Of Sheila.  This movie has a lot of the same features.  Come to think of it, there are even more features in common with Murder By Death.

>> The acting was kind of meh and there were no fancy camera angles or brilliant effects or anything to rev up the action.  But I have to say that from a Naked Ape point of view, this was a cut above the typical shark-terror feature.  The story was imaginative; the pacing kept me watching to see what happened next. The suspense level was quite good.  The answer to what everyone was brought there for came out a little at a time, instead of being spelled out before the movie even started.  Some of it was quite unpredictable.  Some of the character development was pretty interesting and insightful, especially considering the buck-ninety-eight budget of this movie.


>>  Sharks that appear on command?  Please!

>>  Sharks that BITE on command?  Give me a break!

>>  Sharks in league with a Naked Ape who isn't himself in the process of transforming into a Shark?  Honestly.  I ask you.

>> THIS is why so many of these movies feature crappy-looking computer-generated cartoon sharks.  They're trying to get them to do things so UNNATURAL it would make a Catfish laugh.  And giggling Sharks are less scary than the regular kind, let's be real.

>>  There are other special features of this film that you will simply love, but they would create SECURITY LEAKS if posted on the Internet. See for yourself!

None of these criticisms mean that you won't enjoy watching this movie.  For fish operatives I can promise this one will be a LAFF RIOT.  I highly recommend it.

Two fins up!

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Humans Baffle Me Sometimes...

...Their motivations, I mean.  In the news this week is the fact that, after Stormy Daniels -- a porn actress currently in the news -- explained to the press that the current leader of the free world is "obsessed by" and "terrified of" our Shark operatives.  She apparently knows this because, as she keeps insisting, they have never had anything to do with each other.

This gave many of us here at North American Conspiracy Zone HQ a nasty shiver, remembering the explosives people started feeding to these critically-important operatives after the release of Jaws

And what was the response this time?  A surge in contributions to Shark charities like Sea Shepherd, the Shark Alliance, Shark Savers, Predators In Peril, The Shark Trust, and a variety of adopt-a-shark programs.

Considering all the damn-the-torpedoes supporters this guy seems to have, well, I guess I'm pretty surprised. 

It sure beats a mouth full of dynamite, though!