Saturday, February 10, 2018

SHARK ISLAND



WHERE DO I BEGIN???

Well, I figure I should start with the movie's title.  Although the box this movie came in reads Shark Island, it turns out that it's fairly hard to find under that title; it was originally called Shark Week, which I assume they changed because it's too easy to confuse with the deadly boring theme week aired once a year by the Discovery Channel.

THIS movie -- Shark Week, aka Shark Island -- is a 2012 release starring a handsome assortment of CARTOON SHARKS.  The plight of the humans in the story is supposed to be the focus, of course -- this was made entirely BY Naked Apes, FOR Naked Apes.  But it's still worth watching for you and me.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS UNUSUAL FEATURE: 

>> I've always heard that if there is an ILLUSTRATION on the cover of a film box rather than a STILL from the movie, you can rest assured that the scene depicted never appears at any point in the story.  That turned out to be true!!!  This TERRIBLY EXCITING image of sexy young surfers being overwhelmed by a flying operative not only doesn't happen; those aren't even the right humans! 

>> The real story is supposed to be about a couple of attorneys, an undercover cop, a drug addict, a reporter, a narcotics addict, an emergency medical technician, and a guy who works for a drug cartel who find themselves kidnapped by a man named TIBURON.   Yeah, his name means SHARK.  Thing is, he doesn't seem to really notice when one of the Sharks under his command gets killed, and he gives his prisoners tools to fight them off.  WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON, ANYWAY?

>> I noticed when Googling that not only does this movie share its name with another phenomenon called "Shark Week;" it also shares part of its other title with another movie, Prisoner Of Shark Island.  This will make information even harder for you to find, even if you still have fingers that will work a computer keyboard designed for Shaved Monkeys.

>> And apparently the movie even shares characters.  Check out this photo of Patrick Bergin, who plays the evil Sharkmaster in the movie under discussion:

 
 
Now check out a poster from the other movie:
 



It's an almost identical guy!  COINCIDENCE?

>> Tiburon puts his prisoners into a bunch of crazy booby-trap scenarios, all of them featuring SHARKS, and chuckles over it when one after another of them dies.  He has cameras set up everywhere so he can see and hear the prisoners' every move, and loudspeakers installed so he can narrate the proceedings.  I think the filmmakers were trying to remind us of Saw, but you know what it made me think of?  The Last Of Sheila.  This movie has a lot of the same features.  Come to think of it, there are even more features in common with Murder By Death.

>> The acting was kind of meh and there were no fancy camera angles or brilliant effects or anything to rev up the action.  But I have to say that from a Naked Ape point of view, this was a cut above the typical shark-terror feature.  The story was imaginative; the pacing kept me watching to see what happened next. The suspense level was quite good.  The answer to what everyone was brought there for came out a little at a time, instead of being spelled out before the movie even started.  Some of it was quite unpredictable.  Some of the character development was pretty interesting and insightful, especially considering the buck-ninety-eight budget of this movie.

CLIFFIE'S OTHER NOTES ON THIS FEATURE, OR "HERE'S WHAT THEY MISSED":

>>  Sharks that appear on command?  Please!

>>  Sharks that BITE on command?  Give me a break!

>>  Sharks in league with a Naked Ape who isn't himself in the process of transforming into another Shark?  Honestly.  I ask you.

>> THIS is why so many of these movies feature crappy-looking computer-generated cartoon sharks.  They're trying to get them to do things so UNNATURAL it would make a Catfish laugh.

>>  There are other special features of this film that you will simply love, but they would create SECURITY LEAKS if posted on the Internet. 

None of this criticism means, however, that you won't enjoy watching this movie.  For fish operatives I can promise this one will be a LAFF RIOT.  I highly recommend it.

Two fins up!



Sunday, January 28, 2018

Humans Baffle Me Sometimes...



...Their motivations, I mean.  In the news this week is the fact that, after Stormy Daniels -- a porn actress currently in the news -- explained to the press that the current leader of the free world is "obsessed by" and "terrified of" our Shark operatives.  She apparently knows this because, as she keeps insisting, they have never had anything to do with each other.

This gave many of us here at North American Conspiracy Zone HQ a nasty shiver, remembering the explosives people started feeding to these critically-important operatives after the release of Jaws

And what was the response this time?  A surge in contributions to Shark charities like Sea Shepherd, the Shark Alliance, Shark Savers, Predators In Peril, The Shark Trust, and a variety of adopt-a-shark programs.

Considering all the damn-the-torpedoes supporters this guy seems to have, well, I guess I'm pretty surprised. 

It sure beats a mouth full of dynamite, though!

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Blue Lingcod Status Update


 
The secrets of these blue-through-and-through operatives are PERFECTLY SAFE.  And you ladies know how Shaved Monkey scientists are.  Even if they stumble across our secret, they will TOTALLY MISINTERPRET it and our secrets will STILL be safe.  Meanwhile, the more they study us, the more of them we can recruit for Our Glorious Cause.

All is good.