UNDERWATER

 

This 2020 action/suspense movie came out ONLY THREE YEARS AGO and yet here I am, reviewing it for you already. I'M JUST THAT WORKED UP ABOUT IT.  It stars Kristen Stewart as our heroine Norah, T.J. Miller as a guy they pulled out from under a heap of collapsed superstructure, Mamoudou Athie as Rodrigo, Jessica Henwick as the girl in a state of fear and trembling, John Gallagher Jr. as her boyfriend, and Vincent Cassel as the KNOCKOFF JACQUES COUSTEAU CHARACTER.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS REMARKABLE FEATURE:

>> You don't see many movies like this in any year.  It's probably the first one I've found that I can confidently call an ANTI-RECRUITING FILM.  To put it another way, this is a story that will help make it very clear to you which humans NOT to recruit for our glorious cause.

>> Where most aquatic films are valuable because you can look for reactions in the landscum audience showing sympathy for the FISH -- viewers stunned by the beauty and grace of the marauding Shark, who wince or cover their mouths when she's finally BLOWN UP, momelike that that -- you won't be watching for that here.   In this story you're watching for the OPPOSITE.

>> Why?  BECAUSE NOT ONE OF THESE FEATHERLESS BIPEDS HAS ANY BUSINESS BEING IN THE WATER.  

>> The entire story revolves around the slow destruction of a massive underwater drilling station.  The characters race from point A to point B without being sure where they're going, always feeling unsafe, SCARED OF THE WATER AND EVERYTHING IN IT, barely able to see where they're going or what's out there ahead of them.  Everyone keeps asking why their nice, dry tunnels are falling apart, trying to get the machinery to work, unwillingly putting on cumbersome diving suits, fearfully going into the water and generally wishing they were in Philadelphia rather than here.  There is NO SIGN that any of them, you know, WANTS TO GET OUT THERE AND EXPLORE THE OCEAN.  That should tell you a great deal right there.

>> Jessica Henwick's character is described as "not an experienced diver." SO WHY IS SHE EVEN THERE?  Apparently just to cry a lot, talk about her feelings, and to announce, in stark terror, that "WE DON'T BELONG DOWN HERE."  Yeah, I agree!  

>> Ah, then there's T.J. Miller's character.  WHAT IS IS ABOUT THIS GUY AND HORRORS FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? He didn't come out of this story very well, frankly.  He looked so miserable and bedraggled that I had to recognize him by his voice.  

>> And what of Norah, our protagonist?  She saves everyone's bacon again and again because she is a MECHANICAL ENGINEER who knows what to press on the computer touch screen to find what they need, and she can jury-rig the equipment so it works well enough to get them a little farther.  This is the character I was expecting to find some sort of rapprochement with the underwater menace, to say "We can communicate with it!" or even "We should study it, not try to kill it!"  I'm here to tell you that nothing of the sort happened in this movie.  SHE'S JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM.

>> I mean, look at her.  As competent as she is in a diving suit, she is DEFINITELY NOT BUILT TO FLOAT.  She's all bones and no blubber.

>> The captain, our Jacques Cousteau character, makes himself more and more irrelevant as the story goes on.  Then he goes away.

>> The ending makes clear that NONE OF THESE PEOPLE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THEIR EXPERIENCE UNDERWATER.  Sad!

>> Not unimportantly: NO FIDH APPEAR IN THIS MOVIE.

If anyone has any questions about how to use this film to sort good recruits from bad ones, we can easily discuss it at the next chapter meeting.