SANTA JAWS

 

Well, out of all the piscatorial horror movies I've reviewed for this newsletter in lo, these many years, somebody finally made one that REALLY SCARED ME.

This is a 2018 release, directed by some sicko named Misty Talley.  It stars Hawn Tran, Reid Miller, and Ritchie Montgomery as the GUY WITH THE MAGIC PEN.

PLOT SUMMARY:  A kid who's always in trouble with his folks because he only cares about drawing comics is grounded again.  It's Christmastime and he and his best friend have come up with a story they really like, called "Santa Jaws," about a Shark wearing a Santa hat that does Shark things like EATING PEOPLE.  Even the owner of the comics store where the artist works likes it.  The problem is that if he gets in trouble one more time, the hero's parents will take away his art supplies.  He needs to find a way to keep working on his comic to attract the girl of his dreams.  But here's the problem:  the cartoon shark comes to life and starts really eating people.  Nobody believes the young artist when he tries to tell them.  Fine and dandy, right?  WRONG.  THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SERIOUSLY SCARY.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> In many ways this is a normal Naked Ape horror movie.  A shark is stalking the good townspeople and nobody believes the teenagers who KNOW THE TRUTH.  They need to combat the menace themselves, using teamwork, good-heartedness and bravery to prevail...OR WILL THEY?

>> This Shark is computer-generated, like almost every Shark in the movies for decades.  Fittingly, at least, this shark is MEANT to look like a cartoon.  It's almost funny because this cartoon shark is a model of realism compared to the ones in, say, BLUE DEMON or RED WATER.  

>> But then there's the way she acts.  It's DISGUSTING.

>> It's icky enough that she attacks when you drop -- not chum! -- but Christmas stuff into the water.  Tree ornaments.  Tinsel.  Christmas cookies.  That's what puts her on alert.  Only a human could have come up with that idea.  Gross.

>> At least she doesn't EAT wrapping paper and plastic elves.  She eats humans.

>> But here's the really sickening part:  it turns out THE SHARK IS ENTIRELY UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE TEENAGED BOYS WHO INVENTED HER.  How sick is that?  You can see it happen right there on the screen.  They add another page to the story, and...SHE DOES EXACTLY WHAT THEY TELL HER TO DO.

>> VILEST OF ALL is the subplot in which the only copy of the comic gets handed over to the hero's love interest, and he finally has a reason to go and introduce himself to her in order to get it back.  They wind up dating almost immediately.  So, in a way, the shark brought two featherless bipeds together, when IN THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS she would be bringing them to meet up only with FISH, especially HERSELF.  

>> While we were watching, one of my assistants asked me whether -- since the boys were making a comic about a shark -- they might already have been recruited by a real Shark operative to serve us.  I threw up a little in my mouth.

>> Now, it turns out that this madness is only happening because of a magic pen that the artist got as an early Christmas gift from his grandfather.  Once the hero starts using it to draw his comic, EVERYTHING GOES SIDEWAYS.  This was reassuring to me, because we know that no such pen exists outside the movies. If they explained what gave the pen these special powers, I missed it BECAUSE I WAS STRUGGLING TO KEEP WATCHING AT ALL.  IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO SEE THIS NIGHTMARE AGAIN to find out all the details, YOU'RE WRONG.

>> Then the kids figure out that THEY'RE the real problem here -- that I can agree with! -- and they set out to correct the situation.

I'm not going to reveal the ending because IT'S TOO HORRIBLE.

You can watch this one if you want, of course.  If you're still mostly human, it might not even really bother you.  If you are well along the way to becoming fully FISH, well...on your own head be it.