Friday, December 01, 2006

Some Squidmas Thoughts, Both Heavy And Light


SQUIDMAS TIME IS HERE AGAIN...

I just want to say at the outset that this is going to be one of those blog entries that starts out all heavy, deep and real before it gets to the fun part. Forgive me; I get SO FRUSTRATED with the human race sometimes, and this is the perfect place to LET IT ALL HANG OUT. Fear not, my finny readers -- about halfway through I lighten up and get down to the important business of SQUIDMAS CELEBRATION. There will be some very special SQUIDMAS DECORATION IDEAS towards the end of the entry. SO KEEP READING, or you might not get your Squidmas bonus. Here goes.

Not everyone, not even all humans, are raised Christian. I certainly wasn’t. This shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. One of the negative sequelae of human monotheism is the repulsive practice of religious war. It never fails to puzzle me that right around this time of year, Christian humans start singing special songs about "peace on Earth" and "good will towards men" when we KNOW, EVERYBODY knows, that at all times there are Christians hassling, snubbing or setting fire to someone who follows another faith. DON’T GET ME WRONG; the fewer humans there are left up on dry land, the better. But I loathe stupidity in all its forms, AND THIS IS STUPID EVEN FOR THE HUMAN SPECIES – OUR STUPIDITY CONTEST PRIZEWINNERS, YEAR AFTER YEAR.

I feel bad for the founders. Jesus Christ and his cousin, John the Baptist, tried. They really tried to get people to understand the critical important of WATER when they introduced their reframing of Judaism, founded on Baptism, to the desert dwellers. IT ALMOST WORKED. But you know how things can backfire when you’re dealing with this frikkin’ species. Look out the window or turn on the TV news if you’re unclear on how badly this went wrong.

The piscatorial religions OFFER THE SOLUTION. Not everyone worships, respects or even believes in the gods offered by human religion. BUT EVERYONE LOVES A SQUID.


I hope I can get across to all of you the critical importance of the Squidmas holiday to YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. We all need to relax and backstroke once in a while. We need to pause and remember WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. We need to get back in touch with the true source.


THE TRUE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS = SQUID.

The Sacred Squid – also known at this time of year as the Jingle Squid, or even Santa Squid – is also a critical link in the chain we are slowly tightening around the collective neck of the human race. Here where I live, Christianity is rampant. My readers may be surrounded by Judaism, Shamanism, Islam, Wicca, Hinduism. IS THERE ANY REAL DIFFERENCE? No matter what human religion spreads its stain in your area, EVERYONE EVERYWHERE LOVES A SQUID. Here are a few examples:

>> I read somewhere that in the Hawaiian Islands, the Squid represents FREEDOM. That makes perfect sense. Squid live in tremendously large territories, going where they want when they want. They also move at astounding speed, even flying through the air when they feel like it. This is why the Jingle Squid can visit ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD in a single night, bearing lovely gifts in each tentacle.

>> One centerpiece of the Christmas dinner in Italy is the enchanting frutti di mare salad, made with Cuttlefish, Octopus and SQUID. For some reason, despite the powerful Italian influence on Christianity around the world, consumption of this salad has NEVER CAUGHT ON. We are still working on this.

>> The fact remains that the mellifluous Italian word calamari has made it infinitely easier for even the lumpen proletariat to enjoy Squid, treating it as a Mediterranean delicacy rather than as a squishy dead thing with tentacles. Recently – and better late than never, I say – the Calamari appetizer has appeared on restaurant menus practically everywhere, even here in the Midwest. CAN A FINAL SQUID TAKEOVER BE FAR BEHIND?

>> Hardcore Buddhists refuse to eat meat. But they still love and respect the Squid as a sentient fellow creature.

>> Anyone who claims to be in favor of bringing people of all colors together, in peace and harmony, should think SQUID. The Squid is a true living rainbow. Not many other creatures can turn red, white, black, or blue-with-orange-spots at will. They can even flash back and forth between colors. The most elaborate neon sign can’t hope to keep up.

>> PETA is working on some Squid plans as I write this. Stand by for updates. I hope they don’t screw this one up.

AND HERE IS MY MAGICAL SQUIDMAS DISCOVERY! I knew vaguely that fishermen around the world use Squid as bait for catching other fish. I think we all remember the moving scene in The Perfect Storm, in which the Squid wait patiently in their bins for the shaved monkeys to stop squabbling and GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. Their wordless self-sacrifice, trying to save the humans from themselves, brings me to tears every time…

…But I digress. What I never knew is that all kinds of manufacturers have come out with ARTIFICIAL SQUID, in a staggering variety of styles and colors to go with YOUR SQUIDMAS DÉCOR. You don’t need to feed them or anything. And if you want, you can buy them BY THE GROSS.

I wish you could see the delights spread out in front of me. I was easily able to obtain, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, a lot of 75 rubber Squidlets that seem at first to be red and black. When you hold them up to the light, they are speckled pale pink with a delicate teal stripe down one side. This style – with great big goggle eyes painted onto tiny heads, and far too many extra-long, fringe-like tentacles – also comes in purple glitter. They are made by an outfit called Sea Sky. Luhr-Jensen ("Where Legends Live") sent me something even more fabulous, the B-2 High-Tech Hootchie Candy Squid, with the delightfully plump shape of a real baby Squid, hot pink with silver glitter. These come with a drop of glycerine or something in the plastic bag so they squirt and squish against each other realistically. LOVE ‘EM.

And just today, I got two 3-packs of the prettiest yet. A company called Tsunami ("Awesome Power") makes a holographic Squid, emerald green with iridescent blue foil imbedded in the center, shaped so realistically you expect them to sit up and say "hello." I was hesitating over what to hang on my Squidmas wreath this year, but these beauties really say "deck the halls" to me.

There are plenty of other styles where these came from, people. And the creative possibilities here are endless. A modest pair of dangly Squid earrings...Squid fringe on a favorite poncho or buckskin vest...a really fresh take on tassel loafers. To say nothing of the yearly ritual of making Squidmas wreaths.

What really makes me smile is the months of hard work that must have gone into designing and manufacturing these fishing lures. It shows real dedication – HUMAN dedication – to the glorious goal of bringing humans and Fish together. Little do they suspect that we rise to the hook WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY, regardless of their deceptive tactics.

MOVE OVER, MARTHA STEWART. THE RUBBER SQUID ARE COMIN' TO TOWN.

2 Comments:

Blogger Ur-spo said...

your holiday decoration tip is just as good as bunny boofy
Happy Squidmas to you and all your krill

8:56 PM  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:31 PM  

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