A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR LANDLOCKED MERMAIDS

This one was written and illustrated -- or more likely illustrated, then written -- by Margot Datz and was published by Atria books in 2008.

I have to be honest here and say this was a VERY NICE EFFORT. The illustrations are very pretty and upbeat, and the message is ENTIRELY POSITIVE. I have NO DOUBT this will increase the recruiting successes among our operatives. More humans will want to "GO FISH" and become recruiters themselves after reading this, and the human males we aim to marry will be drawn in THAT MUCH QUICKER.

Alas, Datz betrays her ENTIRELY HUMAN VIEWPOINT on the relationship between Landfish and their human recruits on ALMOST THE FIRST PAGE. While she appears to entirely understand the plight of a fish out of water, she clearly thinks of it as ultimately a better thing that we come ashore and stay there. She talks about marrying the Shaved Monkeys as if it were an entirely middle-class American proposition -- a monogamous, once-in-a-lifetime, happily-ever-after process. She has NO IDEA that while the happily-ever-after part certainly applies to any human male lucky enough to pair off with a Landfish, the HARD WORK is JUST BEGINNING for the squamous bride, who will have to repeat the process AGAIN AND AGAIN as long as she continues her recruiting work.

She even talks about drowning Naked Apes as if it were a BAD thing! For crying out loud, that's HALF THE FUN!

Other points to ponder include her ENTIRELY HUMAN -- and again, middle-class-American, self-help styled "survival tips." Margot -- honey -- FISH DON'T ACCESSORIZE. EVER. 'KAY?

Oh, and one other thing:

I WAS SO WORRIED THIS WAS GOING TO BE ANOTHER CHILDREN'S BOOK! It is nice to see this plan of action presented for the illumination of ADULTS.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, LADIES: Your instructions are DRAW THEM INTO THE SEA LIKE LEMMINGS. YOU KILL THEM. AND YOU EAT THEM.