A Few Thoughts On The Psychic Octopus

 

Not since the cruel death of one of our eight-armed operatives in a hockey rink, some years ago now, has there been THIS MUCH FUSS over an Octapod. "Paul" has become notorious THE WORLD AROUND for his unerring selection of the winner of match after match in the 2010 World Cup finals.

Let me reveal unto the human readership what my fish readers already know...the FULL TRUTH of this supposedly paranormal phenomenon:

PAUL IS NOT PSYCHIC.

PAUL IS NOT A FAKE.

PAUL GETS IT RIGHT EVERY TIME BECAUSE...

...HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE, IT'S PATHETIC.

Sometimes it's almost embarrassing to me, having to interact on a daily basis with this BUNCH OF EGOMANIACS. They think everything they do is such a big deal. Nowhere is this more apparent than on the playing field. Do they not realize that EVERY OTHER SPECIES looks at them in bafflement because of their need to make up PHONY COMPETITIONS to feed their egos? Do they not realize how they look to the rest of us when, by cheering on a team of guys chasing around a peculiar non-edible object, they congratulate themselves that they are part of something important?

THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN'T PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF HUMAN SPORTING EVENTS ARE THE HUMANS THEMSELVES. Why? BECAUSE IN SPITE OF THE STAGGERING HUMAN INTELLIGENCE YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

And Paul -- who had the rippingly funny idea of JUST LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW THIS -- is now a superstar. Little do the featherless bipeds suspect that the only reason we didn't let them in on this before is that NOBODY BUT A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID.