A Few Thoughts On The Psychic Octopus

 

Not since the cruel death of one of our eight-armed operatives in a hockey rink, some years ago now, has there been THIS MUCH FUSS over an Octapod. "Paul" has become notorious THE WORLD AROUND for his unerring selection of the winner of match after match in the 2010 World Cup finals.

Let me reveal unto the human readership what my fish readers already know...the FULL TRUTH of this supposedly paranormal phenomenon:

PAUL IS NOT PSYCHIC.

PAUL IS NOT A FAKE.

PAUL GETS IT RIGHT EVERY TIME BECAUSE...

...HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE, IT'S PATHETIC.

Sometimes it's almost embarrassing to me, having to interact on a daily basis with this BUNCH OF EGOMANIACS. They think everything they do is such a big deal. Nowhere is this more apparent than on the playing field. Do they not realize that EVERY OTHER SPECIES looks at them in bafflement because of their need to make up PHONY COMPETITIONS to feed their egos? Do they not realize how they look to the rest of us when, by cheering on a team of guys chasing around a peculiar non-edible object, they congratulate themselves that they are part of something important?

THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN'T PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF HUMAN SPORTING EVENTS ARE THE HUMANS THEMSELVES. Why? BECAUSE IN SPITE OF THE STAGGERING HUMAN INTELLIGENCE YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

And Paul -- who had the rippingly funny idea of JUST LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW THIS -- is now a superstar. Little do the featherless bipeds suspect that the only reason we didn't let them in on this before is that NOBODY BUT A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID.

Phony Octopus Security Leak Has Scientists All A-Flutter

IT'S ALWAYS HAPPY NEWS when a new piscatorial fossil turns up. IT'S EVEN BETTER WHEN WE PLANT IT THERE FOR THEM TO FIND.

Not that this fossil is a phony. By no means! Only the idea that it might be an accidental security leak is phony. The above image is indeed that of the fossil imprint of a 95-million-years-dead Octopus. This slides the evolution of that noble family quite a bit farther back in time than Naked Ape scientists originally supposed. That makes them scratch their heads.

It makes them scratch their heads again when they ask (as the blog where I found the photo did), OK, if Octopi were so highly-developed and intelligent 95 million years ago, why aren't they in charge of everything now?

FOOLS.

Octopi were already PERFECT 95 millions years ago, and they have not NEEDED to advance beyond perfection.

When will these idiot humans get a grip on the fact that their intelligence is NOT IMPRESSIVE TO ANYONE BUT THEM?

When will it occur to them that NOBODY ELSE, OF ANY SPECIES has their ravening need to be IN CHARGE, TOP OF THE HEAP, MASTER OF THE WHATEVER? They're pathetic.

Maybe in some distant decade, after enough balding monkey heads are scratched, maybe ONE of them will get the message: WE WERE HERE LONG BEFORE YOU. WE ARE STILL HERE. WE WILL EAT YOU LATER. WE WILL STILL BE HERE AFTER THE LAST ONE OF YOU IS GONE.

Only A Human Could Come Up With THIS.

Here again, the Naked Ape's idea of "impaired judgement" intersects effortlessly with the fish agenda:

MARRY THE OPPOSITION.

~

FOOLS.