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Operative Dies Following "Retirement"

IT'S TRUE, LADIES -- Paul the Psychic Octopus is IN THE ROILING INTESTINE OF DAGON shortly after "retirement" from the business of predicting the outcomes of human sporting events. WE ALL KNOW that his REAL BUSINESS up on dry land was about recruiting humans to the Cause, and WHAT A JOB HE DID in a short time before being CALLED HOME.

All airstones please observe a moment of silence.

A Few Thoughts On The Psychic Octopus

 

Not since the cruel death of one of our eight-armed operatives in a hockey rink, some years ago now, has there been THIS MUCH FUSS over an Octapod. "Paul" has become notorious THE WORLD AROUND for his unerring selection of the winner of match after match in the 2010 World Cup finals.

Let me reveal unto the human readership what my fish readers already know...the FULL TRUTH of this supposedly paranormal phenomenon:

PAUL IS NOT PSYCHIC.

PAUL IS NOT A FAKE.

PAUL GETS IT RIGHT EVERY TIME BECAUSE...

...HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE, IT'S PATHETIC.

Sometimes it's almost embarrassing to me, having to interact on a daily basis with this BUNCH OF EGOMANIACS. They think everything they do is such a big deal. Nowhere is this more apparent than on the playing field. Do they not realize that EVERY OTHER SPECIES looks at them in bafflement because of their need to make up PHONY COMPETITIONS to feed their egos? Do they not realize how they look to the rest of us when, by cheering on a team of guys chasing around a peculiar non-edible object, they congratulate themselves that they are part of something important?

THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN'T PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF HUMAN SPORTING EVENTS ARE THE HUMANS THEMSELVES. Why? BECAUSE IN SPITE OF THE STAGGERING HUMAN INTELLIGENCE YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

And Paul -- who had the rippingly funny idea of JUST LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW THIS -- is now a superstar. Little do the featherless bipeds suspect that the only reason we didn't let them in on this before is that NOBODY BUT A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID.

Phony Octopus Security Leak Has Scientists All A-Flutter

IT'S ALWAYS HAPPY NEWS when a new piscatorial fossil turns up. IT'S EVEN BETTER WHEN WE PLANT IT THERE FOR THEM TO FIND.

Not that this fossil is a phony. By no means! Only the idea that it might be an accidental security leak is phony. The above image is indeed that of the fossil imprint of a 95-million-years-dead Octopus. This slides the evolution of that noble family quite a bit farther back in time than Naked Ape scientists originally supposed. That makes them scratch their heads.

It makes them scratch their heads again when they ask (as the blog where I found the photo did), OK, if Octopi were so highly-developed and intelligent 95 million years ago, why aren't they in charge of everything now?

FOOLS.

Octopi were already PERFECT 95 millions years ago, and they have not NEEDED to advance beyond perfection.

When will these idiot humans get a grip on the fact that their intelligence is NOT IMPRESSIVE TO ANYONE BUT THEM?

When will it occur to them that NOBODY ELSE, OF ANY SPECIES has their ravening need to be IN CHARGE, TOP OF THE HEAP, MASTER OF THE WHATEVER? They're pathetic.

Maybe in some distant decade, after enough balding monkey heads are scratched, maybe ONE of them will get the message: WE WERE HERE LONG BEFORE YOU. WE ARE STILL HERE. WE WILL EAT YOU LATER. WE WILL STILL BE HERE AFTER THE LAST ONE OF YOU IS GONE.

SHARKTOPUS!

This image was created by Matt Leach. Long may he wave.

This is the best news to come along in A LONG TIME, ladies. Roger Corman, the long-time friend and defender of SCARY UNDERWATER THINGIES, as STRUCK AGAIN. The SyFy Channel has greenlighted this FUTURE MASTERPIECE as of 2/12/2010. ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SIT BACK AND WAIT.

No, I haven't seen it yet.

BUT I WILL.

I want to point out the resemblance to another classic -- but sadly, equally FICTIONAL -- denizen of the deep from the Italian softcore-porn fish massacree, Devil Fish. (1984, directed by Lamberto Bava.) Same basic idea, but the earlier picture had more of a parrot's beak on the business end. Either way, HOW CAN YOU LOSE?

Days like this make me feel HAPPY ALL OVER.

Sabotage Effort Makes National Headlines

Octopus opens valve, floods Santa Monica aquarium
4:54 PM February 26, 2009

An Octopus today managed to pry loose a water-control valve at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium, flooding the facility with more than 200 gallons of saltwater.

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The valve is inside the sea creature's tank, and officials think the Octopus grabbed hold of it while exploring.

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"It found something loose and just pulled on it," said Tara Treiber, the aquarium's education manager. "They are very smart creatures."

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A worker arriving this morning found water overflowing out of the tank and "a lovely little lake" on the floor — about 3 inches of water that damaged newly installed carpets, as well as walls and facades, Treiber said.

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The damage could have been much worse had workers discovered the open valve later — potentially harming the sea life inside, Treiber said.

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The female California two-spotted Octopus has been housed at the aquarium for two months, she said.

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"They are solitary but curious creatures," Treiber said.

—Andrew Blankstein

Photo: The Octopus believed to have flooded Santa Monica's aquarium.