Monday, April 16, 2012

Advice From (Human) TV Personality Tracy Jordan



"LIVE EVERY WEEK LIKE IT'S SHARK WEEK."


(Improve upon THAT, if you can...)

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Sharktacular Squidmas Gift Available Now At Wireless!








I want my ardent readers to notice that in silhouette, this Shark chapeau looks exactly like one of those blasted Santa hats with the elf ears attached. BUT THIS BABY CAN BE WORN YEAR-ROUND, FOR ALL OCCASIONS.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER THE ADULT SIZE: http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VL4606


CLICK HERE TO ORDER THE KID SIZE:





THERE'S STILL BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO ORDER!

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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

SHARK LIFE: TRUE STORIES ABOUT SHARKS AND THE SEA




This slender opus by Peter Benchley is copyrighted 2005 to the author and was published by Yearling Press in 2007. As usual with this guy's books, he's managed to REALLY TICK ME OFF.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> Once again, the guy whose crap novel launched a thousand piscatorial slaughters -- from the poop decks of a thousand rich-kid yachts -- is trying to MAKE IT RIGHT by writing another book full of worshipful Shark stories. DOESN'T HE KNOW THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE?

>> What ticks me off even more is that HE REALLY SUCCEEDS PRETTY WELL with this book. He's respectful to our Shark operatives, tells us about one cool adventure after another people have had with them, and can tell a Bronze Whaler from a Gray Nurse.

>> He rails against Shark slaughter, especially the grotesque practice of harvesting fins for soup. Remember, THIS IS THE SAME GUY WHO WROTE JAWS.

>> The book is full of good advice -- how not to get caught in an undertow, how to respond if you see a large predator in the water, which Sharks pose the biggest threat to Naked Apes, why you should swim only in groups, that sort of thing. This cheered me up a good deal as I read. JUST TRY AND SAVE YOURSELVES. FOOLS! WE'LL COME FOR YOU WHEN WE'RE READY.

Well, this is great stuff for luring human children into a more piscatorial life, anyway. I bought my copy used, online, and it arrived smelling powerfully of the cedar shavings used to line Hamster cages. I think that tells me a bit about the previous owner.

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Saturday, July 03, 2010

Oh, Bullsharks! -- The Sequel



WELL, I HAVE TO SAY I'M IMPRESSED. Less than 2 weeks after having everyone discuss Fernicola's Twelve Days Of Terror in the book-club groups, YOU STARTED NOTICING THE CLUES FERNICOLA MISSED:


>> The heroic Matawan Creek victim, who died trying to save another Shark-bite victim, was named FISHER. His mother's maiden name was WATERS. His father was a SEA CAPTAIN.
>> Stanley's dad, Captain Fisher, commented that in all his years at sea he has NEVER seen a Shark attack a human. I daresay he was more than a little perplexed to hear that his son, working up on dry land in New Jersey as a tailor, had not only been killed by a Shark, but then learned it had happened in FRESH WATER. Fernicola's book does not relate what Captain Fisher made of THAT. The answer, BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK ME, is that we do it that way TO KEEP IT FUN.
>> The same of the other victim Stanley Fisher was trying to save? Stillwell. As in, a well full of still water. Or, just STILL...WELL. Ah, the mutlilayered meanings of human language! Young Lester, claimed at the age of 11 by Dagon's minions, had an utterly damp name and it also tells us his fate: STILL WELL, dwelling in wonder and glory forever with the Deep Ones.
>> A headline quoted on page 75 of the text: "SHARKS ARE MASTER OF THE COAST." Well, YEAH.
>> Page 101: "When considering the impact of water depth, distance from shore, water clarity, sea conditions, and location as they relate to Shark attacks, one should always remember that much or most of the influence points back to human traits rather than Shark preferences." See? EVEN THIS HUMAN AUTHOR ADMITS THAT THE NAKED APES BRING THE ATTACKS ON THEMSELVES.
>> Page 125: "As mentioned earlier, some Great White Sharks forget that the textbook says that most White Sharks are supposed to halt an attack after the first 'distasteful' bite of a human being." YEAH, THEY'RE NOT REALLY BIG READERS.
BRAVA, ALL OF YOU who are picking up these clues to the REAL motivation and plans of the fish world that the author himself misses!
Has any other Shark-bite adventure been THIS obviously piscatorial? I THINK NOT, MY FRIENDS. Keep up the research. Your brains will soon start to atrophy and this sort of fun rummaging through human books will no longer be possible.
Hey, DON'T BE SAD. Remember the good news I told you about a couple of posts back? Soon you will have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, and NOTHING TO WORRY WITH.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Happy St. Herbie's Day, Everyone!!!




YES, WE'VE MADE OUR DECISION!

After a great deal of solemn thought, and with a lot of consideration to the privacy needs of the families involved, we've decided to give sainthood to NONE of the sailors recruited on the occasion of the sinking of the U.S.S. Indianapolis. We are instead canonizing Herbie Robinson, Captain Quint's baseball-loving crewmate immortalized -- and bisected -- in Jaws. Because we had to give SOMEONE a sainthood after a lucky break like this, and to be honest NOT ONE of the recruits involved wanted his name used. That's a Shark recruit for you, always thinking of the other guy's feelings and DUCKING OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT. Thanks guys -- WE KNOW OUR SECRETS ARE SAFE WITH YOU.


We'd like to thank the Japanese submarine crew that brought us so very many meals, I mean recruits, in a three-day period, and we'd ESPECIALLY like to thank the radio operator who NEVER QUESTIONED ORDERS and NEVER SENT A DISTRESS SIGNAL as the ship was sinking.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

The Friend Of My Enemy Is Dead



YOU HEARD ME. First Peter Benchley, now THIS GUY. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. And it COULDN'T HAPPEN TO A NICER GUY.

Frank Mundus, pictured above with one of our North Atlantic operatives, was probably the model for Captain Quint in Peter Benchley's epic of Shark slaughter, Jaws. Benchley always denied it, but let us pause a moment and CONNECT THE DOTS:
 
>> Mundus made a career of Shark hunting, chartering out his Montauk-based fishing boat, the Cricket II, to bored or under-funded "sportsmen" (paugh!) looking for a big kill on a budget. He called Sharks "the poor man's big game."
>> Benchley went out on the Cricket II many times over a period of weeks, learning about Quint's Mundus's line of work, including all the ins and outs of "sharkin." This included all the fine points you remember from the book: the chumming, the barrels attached to harpoons, the home office full of boiled Shark remnants. Then Benchley went home and wrote Jaws.
 
>> Nahh. Benchley probably based the book on SOMEONE ELSE.
 
A Middle Western operative found an obituary about Mundus in, of all places, the Sept. 27th, 2008 Economist. It takes up all of page 102. Says here old Frank felt sorry for every fish he ever caught. Okay. It also says he died in his bed at age 82. Whatever. AS LONG AS HE'S GONE.
Some of you newer operatives will ask why, after I heaped praise on the heads of the crew of the Andrea Gail, I would then turn around and cast aspersions on Frank Mundus. IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN. Sport fishing, as they call it, makes me grit my pharyngeal TEETH, and sport fishing for Sharks makes me want to empty my stomach on everyone who supports this sort of activity. The guys on the Andrea Gail brought Swordfish together with those who LOVED AND APPRECIATED them. Frank Mundus did something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. He took the reputation of Sharks and changed it. He taught his customers to stop treating Sharks as valuable tidiers of the ocean, uncomplaining cleaners-up of ANYTHING that needed eating, and made them look like SOMETHING ELSE. He made them look like TERRIFYING WILD BEASTS THAT WANTED TO EAT YOU. 
Why did he do this? So he could TURN A BUCK.
Sic transit gloria Mundus, I guess.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Praise Jawsus!


RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) -- Scientists have confirmed the second case of a "virgin birth" in a Shark.

A Blacktip Shark in the wild patrols the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean.

In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female Blacktip Shark in a Virginia aquarium contained no genetic material from a male.


The first documented case of asexual reproduction, or parthenogenesis, among Sharks involved a pup born to a Hammerhead at an Omaha, Nebraska, zoo.


"This first case was no fluke," Demian Chapman, a Shark scientist and lead author of the second study, said in a statement. "It is quite possible that this is something female Sharks of many species can do on occasion."


The scientists cautioned that the rare asexual births should not be viewed as a possible solution to declining global Shark populations. The aquarium Sharks that reproduced without mates each carried only one pup, while some species can produce litters of a dozen or more.


"It is very unlikely that a small number of female survivors could build their numbers up very quickly by undergoing virgin birth," Chapman said.


The medical mystery began 16 months ago after the death of Tidbit, a Blacktip Shark that had lived for eight years at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center in Virginia Beach. No male Blacktip sharks were present during her eight years.


In May 2007, the 5-foot, 94-pound Shark died after it was given a sedative before undergoing a yearly checkup. The 10-inch shark pup was found during a necropsy, surprising aquarium officials. They initially thought the embryonic pup was either the product of a virgin birth or a cross between the Blacktip and a male of another Shark species -- which has never been documented, Chapman said.


Tidbit's pup was nearly full term, and likely would have been quickly eaten by "really big Sand Tiger Sharks" that were in the tank, Chapman said in a telephone interview from Florida.


That is what happened to the tiny Hammerhead pup in the Omaha case.


"By the time they could realize what they were looking at, something munched the baby," he said of aquarium workers. The remains of the pup were used for the DNA testing.


Virgin birth has been proven in some bony fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds, and has been suspected among Sharks in the wild.


The scientists who studied the Virginia and Nebraska sharks said the newly formed pups acquired one set of chromosomes when the mother's chromosomes split during egg development, then united anew.


Absent the chromosomes present in the male sperm, the offspring of an asexual conception have reduced genetic diversity and, the scientists said, may be at a disadvantage for surviving in the wild. A pup, for instance, can be more susceptible to congenital disorders and diseases.


The scientists said their findings offer "intriguing questions" about how frequently automictic parthenogenesis occurs in the wild.


"It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these Sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates," said Mahmood Shivji, one of the scientists and director of the Guy Harvey Research Institute at Nova Southeastern University in Florida.


The DNA fingerprinting techniques used by the scientists are identical to those used in human paternity testing.

Chapman, who is with the Institute for Ocean Conservation Science at Stony Brook, was assisted in the study by Beth Firchau of the Virginia Aquarium.


Chapman and Shivji were on the team that made the first discovery of virgin birth involving the Nebraska shark.


PROOF POSITIVE, ladies, that even when greasy, hairy, useless Naked Apes TAKE AWAY our operatives, Dagon GIVES THEM BACK, using VIRGIN BIRTHS when necessary.

~

It's never too early for a SQUIDMAS MIRACLE.

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