Baby Squid, Born Like Stars

Yes, ANOTHER YouTube video! Stop me before I post another!

SHARK SWARM

Some days, things just go right. You know what I mean? Well, when I plugged this movie into the player, I suddenly found myself having one of those days. Why? Because the featherless bipeds who committed this film to digital format were having a really, really, REALLY off day when this movie was made. And I like that.

>>I knew I was in for it right away when I saw the promo illustration of two people underwater, with an immense Great White bearing down on them, firing pistols. I mean the humans had the pistols, not the Shark. Oh, you know what I mean. THIS SORT OF IMAGERY IS ALWAYS A SIGN OF QUALITY. Point: pistols do not work underwater. Point: even if they did, you would pretty much aim the pistol at the Shark, not in the opposite direction. The humans look as if they were laying down covering fire for the Shark coming up behind them. Point: Sharks -- particularly Great Whites -- do not need this sort of puny human weapons support. Point: As I said, it was an illustration, not a still from the movie. This usually means that no such thing happened at any point in the story. In fact, it did happen, but somebody couldn't countenance having live-action humans upstaging computer-generated cartoon Sharks, so they drew something up instead.

>> Yes, ladies -- even before the movie starts, when we're just looking at the display box, there are THIS MANY THINGS WRONG.

>> In fact, the CGI Sharks are NOT being upstaged by the Naked Ape actors. I have to say it's the other way around. And that is an astounding statement to have to make, any day of the week. I never thought this day would come.

>> To be fair, this movie boasts an unusually good job of computer animation. It's no Jurassic Park, but still. The crew didn't quite manage to overcome the unnaturally shiny skin one usually gets in faux movie Sharks, but only one of them looked transparent AT ALL, and it was a very brief moment indeed. The stars move very naturally, which as far as I'm concerned is a major breakthrough. They do swim a leetle too fast. But then these are supposed to be turbo-Sharks, not the regular kind. This animation is as far beyond Red Water as...as...well, I'm not coming up with a good analogue here. Trust me, this is way better. And no Coolio! Let me tell you, it's got to be BAD ENOUGH being a transparent, bright-orange, stiff-as-a-board animated Bullshark. Having to face down Coolio and his upside-down 9 mm is just ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.

>> Speaking of human actors, the names in this one are surprisingly well-known. John Schneider, so puffy and dissipated I hardly recognized him! Darryl Hannah, looking throughout the film as if she'd slept on a park bench, then gotten dressed in the dark! Armand Assante, looking entirely hung-over, as the Bad Guy In Chief! F. Murray Abraham, fresh as a daisy in contrast to the others, playing Exposition Guy! At one point in the movie Abraham says to a co-worker: "I LOVE my job." He must. Nobody else raises such a convincing smile in the whole course of the film, even the simpering Teen Love Interests who have choppers to rival those on the stars of the film, for crying out loud.

>> One rather wonders what the wardrobe mistress was thinking. Several characters, particularly the ones we're intended to think of as gorgeous, seem not to change their clothes day after day. In one scene, Schneider (the Hero Type Guy) wakes up to find Hannah (the Plucky Heroine) primping in the bathroom mirror, having thrown a much-too-small corduroy jacket over a rumpled, ratty white-lace nightie styled like a maternity top. The nightie is far too short and flouncy for a woman her age. I thought they were trying to be grittily realistic here, showing how a couple married for 20 years can find each other attractive no matter what. Imagine my surprise when she proceeded to wear this outfit to a town meeting! With cowboy boots!

>> This film is actually full of surprises from the first frame to the last. F. Murray Abraham startled a laugh out of me when he introduced himself as "Professor Bill Girdler." At one point, Schneider hauls himself and his wife out of cartoon Shark-infested waters, and they crouch in a corner of the Totally Evil, Gas-Guzzling Yacht to develop a plan before the Totally Evil Yacht Owners can find and kill them. They both get up to leave, and we see instantly that their clothes are miraculously dry...and pressed.

>> At another tense moment, the Daring EPA Agent, who falls into the sea in pitch darkness while snooping around the old power plant, ducks her head under the surface to check for danger. We notice immediately that somebody has considerately turned the underwater lights on so she can see all 38 Hammerheads streaking hungrily in her direction. She comes up to the surface, and it's pitch dark again. Good times, I tell you!

>>The best surprise of all was "Pastor Herman," the EOD minister. Dear Cod, with a pod of ravenous Sharks eating his congregation left, right and center, what does the guy do? He trots the survivors out into the water, getting his gown all wet, so they can all join hands and praise the oceanic deity! The factor that makes this scene truly astounding is that this is treated as a wholesome, normal church activity, as if it were an ice-cream social. This is in stark contrast to the Leatherface masks and writhing tentacles we saw, and rejoiced with, in Dagon. F'tahgn!

 

>> This leads us to the next surprise. Half a dozen people get munched in the course of this film, and in almost every case, nobody is even curious about WHERE THEY GOT TO. There are no Chrissie Watkins thoraxes washing up on the beach. Honestly, in some ways this movie is no fun at all. But you'd think someone would notice all the unmanned boats knocking around in the bay!

>> The underwater pistols? These turn out to be experimental Navy "pulse guns" that "reset the circuits" in the brains of the Sharks. Being Navy property, they do in fact work underwater. In fact, they may only work underwater. Bill Girdler appears to have a supply of these in his office. That's as far as they went in explaining anything, sorry.

>> They also never explain why, if all the other fish in Full Moon Bay have been killed off by the Bad Guys, the Sharks aren't killed too. Or why the surviving Sharks don't leave to find something to eat. Or how, if the water is poisoned and infested with blood-crazy cartoons Sharks, the Bad Guys seriously expect to sell any condos around the bay. With no fishing and no swimming, who's gonna want their lousy real estate?

 

>> Clenched as I was waiting for the scene when Schneider tries to convince the mayor to CLOSE THE BEACHES, it never happens. Wow!

>>Then there's the Ben Gardner's Battered Boat Tribute, when Schneider kicks at a hole in the hull of a wrecked fishing boat, and about 12 teeth from a Great White fall out on the ground. No wonder the Sharks can't leave the bay -- all the other Sharks would laugh and make jokes referencing denture adhesive.

>> I, personally, thought the movie was a little long on human intrigue and SHORT ON BLOOD. But it's full of good moments. Overall, I recommend it.

Oh, Just One More "I, Vampire" Quote

"...But me? I solved the unified-field mystery alone in that unheated workshop. And why not? After all, I was standing on the shoulders of giants! Giant squids, to be sure, but giants all the same."

(Sterling O'Blivion in I, Vampire)

I Feel Terrible!

Due to duties unrelated to the cause of world conquest by the fish and our co-combatants, I have managed to miss both ESCARGOT DAY (May 24th) and the day the Slugs return from Capistrano (May 28th). I feel TERRIBLE. And not just because of the missed holidays. I'll spare you the details of the WEEK I'VE HAD.

I hope everyone had a good time.

Riffraff Chased Out Of Operatives' Convention

Swarms of up to 40 sharks have been sighted off the Coromandel coast over the holiday period as people swim only metres away, oblivious to the danger.

Helicopter pilot Steve Broadbent said he has seen sharks disturbingly close to swimmers on the sandbar between Matarangi Beach and Whangapoua Beach over the past two weeks.

"The heavy [shark] activity began just before Christmas. Some days we've seen up to 30 sharks but on the day the photo was taken [Sunday] we saw about 40," Mr Broadbent said.

"They're seasonal. I saw them two years ago in the same spot, but none last year at all. They're back in force this summer.

"We have seen quite a variety ... Bronze Whalers, Hammerheads and I think Makos. There were at least three species."

The sharks were spread across a 300m stretch of Matarangi Beach.

"They were disturbingly close to swimmers, maybe about 20m away from them."

The sharks were swimming in water shallow enough for people to stand in.

"We went and warned people the sharks were close. They got out of the water quickly."

He had even seen two large sharks at Whangapoua Beach in knee-deep water.
Mr Broadbent told the Herald he was amazed no one had been attacked.

"It's amazing there haven't been any incidents with so many sightings ... there's a danger because we don't know what they'll do."

There have been a number of shark sightings in the past three weeks, including one which latched on to the inflatable boat of two lifeguards at Omaha on Monday, partially deflating it.

For crying out loud, we need a LITTLE privacy for our strategy sessions.

Great And Manifold Are Our Fishy Blessings Today!

Check THIS out.

This is a terrific addition to our Hiding In Plain Sight project. It never ceases to amaze me, the way the humans seem to MEET US HALFWAY in our efforts to infiltrate. Thanks to the Tulsa chapter for contributing this great link!

R&D Update

I have to say I'm PRETTY HAPPY with what I heard at the last R&D Confab. We had the SENSE to bring in representatives of the Shark protest groups in Florida as well as critical Walking Catfish and Snakehead liaisons from the Outreach Service.

AND PROGRESS IS BEING MADE. I wish you could all have been there for the unveiling of the new prototypes, called Frankenfish I, II and III in honor of the feelgood movie of 2004.

THEY ARE GOING TO BE SO SORRY.

Jellyfish Attack Destroys Salmon

A jellyfish invasion has wiped out Northern Ireland's only salmon farm, killing more than 100,000 fish.

A Northern Salmon spokesman said last week's attack could cost more than £1m. Billions of small Jellyfish, known as Mauve Stingers, flooded into the cages about a mile into the Irish Sea, off Glenarm Bay and Cushendun.

The Jellyfish covered an area of up to 10 square miles and a depth of 35 feet. Rescuers tried to reach the cages but the density of fish made it impossible.

Managing director John Russell said he had never seen anything like this in 30 years in the business.

"The sea was red with these Jellyfish and there was nothing we could do about, it, absolutely nothing," he said.

"It's a disaster for this company - you cannot legislate for something like this."

He says the firm could take at least two years to recover.

The company has some high-profile clients, with Irish chef Richard Corrigan serving Glenarm salmon to the Queen on her 80th birthday last year as part of the BBC's Great British Menu programme.

The Department of Agriculture's fisheries division has carried out a full investigation, and talks with NI Agriculture Minister Michelle Gildernew have taken place to try to rescue the farm and save the jobs of 12 staff.

I think this was a nice little demonstration of OUR MIGHT. It shows them that WE WILL NOT BE TRIFLED WITH. But if anyone asks, it can easily be explained as the outgrowth of OVERFISHING and GLOBAL WARMING. VERY nice job by the local girls out that way.

And: "Save the jobs of 12 staff"!!! I want to remind you that I reside in a secret sub-basement of the Manoogian Mansion. The foundation industry of the entire state is shredding away in the wind like a flock of seabirds looking for another beach with a better supply of breadcrusts. Is there a SINGLE perfumed politician, here or in Washington, doing ANYTHING about it?

The short answer is "NO." In Michigan, the government is laying off more people right now than the auto industry itself. And in Washington, everyone's a bit mezmerized, shall we say, by the 3-D action picture I like to call Son Of Desert Storm. They aren't even fiddling while Detroit burns; they're throwing money by the bucketload at a postage-stamp-sized country in the attempt to BLOW IT UP.

Of course, this does nothing but BENEFIT US. The last thing anyone's paying attention to is the Global Fish Dry Land Takeover Conspiracy. Whee!

Only A Few Shopping Days Left

I didn't think I could improve on the commentary (provided below) from "eBay Pick Of The Day," where I found this spectacular photo. FEAST YOUR EYES AND DRAG OUT YOUR WALLETS:

Ebay Pick of the Day - Shark Guitar

I'm not sure which is cooler, the skull guitar or the shark guitar, but I bet if you put them both into like some kind of water tank and made them fight it out, I'd bet the shark guitar would win. But like if you had like a graveyard level and the shark had to fight on land, that would suck for the shark unless it had like a water helmet.

An Upset Victory For Our Side

Native fish returned to Fossil Creek
Populations vanished decades ago after power plants were constructed

Shaun McKinnon The Arizona Republic

Nov. 10, 2007 12:00 AM

Native fish returned to Fossil Creek as state and federal agencies and volunteer groups continue restoration work on the Verde River tributary. Loach minnow and Spikedace were released into the creek with the help of biologists from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and the Arizona Game and Fish Department. The Center for Biological Diversity, a Tucson-based conservation group, also participated."Fossil Creek is truly one of the most spectacular natural places in Arizona and extremely important for protecting and recovering native fish populations that are spiraling toward extinction," said Michelle Harrington, rivers conservation manager for the center. "This place offers them hope."

Native fish populations all but vanished decades ago with the construction of the Irving and Childs hydroelectric power plants. Much of the creek's flow was diverted from its bed into flumes that moved water in and out of the plants. In 2005, Arizona Public Service Co. decommissioned the power plants and restored full flow back to the creek's channel. Some habitat areas have recovered quickly as water formed into the natural pools the native fish like.Fossil Creek flows down the Mogollon Rim from Strawberry to its meeting with the Verde River south of Camp Verde. Most of the water bubbles up from Fossil Springs at a year-round rate of about 43 cubic feet per second and a steady temperature of about 70 degrees. The mineral-laden water creates layers of travertine that form pools and waterfalls, turning the water itself a sparkling aquamarine. As part of the restoration work, a fish barrier was constructed above the creek's confluence with the Verde River. The barrier helps keep non-native fish from swimming upstream into the creek.

State and federal agencies will continue to return native fish, with plans to stock razorback sucker, Gila Topminnow, Desert Pupfish, Longfin Dace and others. Many of the native fish are listed as threatened or endangered under federal law. In recent months, environmental groups have petitioned federal land managers to restrict public use until a management plan was in place. The U.S. Forest Service plans to meet later this month with stakeholders in the creek."It is particularly important now that visitors to the creek respect it as a nursery and place of recovery," Harrington said.

This is, simply, the most SPECTACULAR VICTORY YET. First we get them to REMOVE US FROM THE AREA. Then we get them to PUT US BACK with NOBODY THE WISER.

What next? A Vampire Squid in the White House, leader of the Free Monkey World? A Central Committee in the Kremlin made up entirely of Tuna?

The Numbers Are In!

I'm happy to announce that this year's Caviar Day boycott was the most successful EVER. Caviar sales actually DROPPED for the first time on record, on this day geared towards slitting open UNTOLD THOUSANDS of our sisters so that Naked Apes can dig out the eggs, swish them around in their hairy-edged mouths for a second or two, then SPIT THEM OUT. You all know where I stand on this barbaric holiday.

If the two Armenian brothers who started this despicable craze in the USA weren't already dead, I'd go find them and kill them myself. They don't deserve to be EATEN. They deserve to be SWISHED and SPAT.

Fishstick Harvest Threatened; Shaved Monkeys Terrorized

...Or, as I like to think of it, SQUIDMAS IN JULY. A plucky group of Squid operatives, enjoying the expanded opportunities afforded them by global warming, set upon a delicious meal of Hake operatives, who as always gave themselves cheerfully for the Greater Glory of The Fish God, Dagon.

THEN YOU-KNOW-WHO SHOWED UP. The Squid and the Hake, working together, recruited these ill-smelling sailors on the spot. What always CRACKS ME UP about photos like these is the way they hold up our dead bodies for the camera as if they'd conquered us in a mighty battle. They FAIL TO REALIZE that the battle is OURS and ALWAYS WAS.