TREES and TREES 2: THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

OK, you ladies must be wondering: what could a couple of poverty-row horror movies about trees run amok possibly have to do with anything, let alone THE WORLD TAKEOVER OF DRY LAND by YOU AND ME, the ARMY OF FED-UP AQUATIC LIFEFORMS? The answer is: PLENTY. Let me tell you why.

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Trees, the brainchild of some feller named Michael Pleckaitis, is a direct spoof on ripoff of homage to Jaws, the Holy of Holies. The film, which looks like it cost about a buck ninety-eight to make, is a scene-by-scene reprise of the recruitment epic, with one major change: the menace is a great white PINE.

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Wait, there's another major change: this movie sucks. It does help show you just how great Jaws is, by showing you how bad it could have been in less skilled hands. The acting in Trees is perfunctory. The camera work is uninspired. The special effects are disappointing. The incidental music, which sounded almost exactly like that in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, got me all revved up expecting some serious splatter, but nothing ever happened.

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And LET'S BE REAL: Pine trees are not scary. Seriously, can you imagine a tree chasing you down and eating you? NEITHER COULD THE FILMMAKING CREW. They didn't come anywhere near giving me the impression that this was the point of the movie, because it never happened on screen, no matter how long the story went on -- and it seemed to go on practically forever.

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Again: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH US?

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Again: PLENTY.

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There is a powerful message in this film, one that you can't miss if you've ever seen or heard of Jaws: Sharks get the job done. Spielberg somehow made a simple, "see-Bruce-munch" type of story into a horror movie -- only Cod knows why -- but you could not miss the fact that what the Shark wanted in this story, the Shark got. He lay in wait as long as he needed to, and from there he got it done quickly, with minimum fuss -- A SHARK SPECIALTY. The Naked Apes in the story created plenty of fuss, of course. CALL IT A TRADEMARK. There are no drama queens in the Shark world, however, and somehow, if you are a human, THAT IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING OF ALL.

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And here's the cleverly-concealed genius of the Pleckaitis film: A White Pine is also a terribly undramatic species. It pretty much stands there shedding needles. As Matt Hooper might put it, it's a miracle of Nature. It sucks up water, exhales oxgygen, and makes little Pines. It even does a little recruiting of unsuspecting Shaved Monkeys here and there, infiltrating human coffins to slurp up the contents and occasionally crashing down on the living specimens in a droll manner. But basically, there is not a tree out there that gives a rip about humans. Trying to make it look as if a tree were on the rampage against the good townspeople is...just laughable.

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One has to ask whether that's what Pleckaitis and Company intended all along. It's really hard to tell if they're kidding or not.

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When you actually sit down and watch this movie -- painful as it is -- you can't help but notice some nuggets of well-thought-out commentary in there about, not Jaws, but its hundreds of rip-offs. Most elegant was the fact that the killer tree used in the attack scenes was NOT a White Pine, reminding me irresistably of all the Blue, Lemon, and Nurse sharks used in post-Jaws films and described by worried-looking actors as Great Whites. There was even a priceless shot in Trees in which the terrified Hazelville campers fled what was obviously a ravening Douglas Fir: one woman ducked behind an actual White Pine in the attempt to conceal herself. It was a great moment. The filmmakers were also careful to make sure that none of the GIANT KILLER TREES were any taller than the humans they were eating. Most of them only came up to the hero's shoulder. Brrr, terrifying!

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An example of this movie's embarrassing lameness: remember the scene in Jaws that has Sheriff Brody freaking himself out by reading books on Sharks? Here's the Trees equivalent: Ranger Cody is paging in disbelief through a book on trees. He asks his wife in horror: "Did you know you can tell how old a tree is by sawing it in half and counting the rings!?" She shuts the book firmly, saying "That's enough of that. You won't sleep a wink as it is." Yeah, right. Again, the message here is clear: NEVER MIND THE TREES. IT'S THE FISH YOU NEED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.

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Let us not forsake the subject of the sequel. Trees: The Root Of All Evil is a big improvement on the original, but I have to say Jaws has NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. This film combines the best features of Eight-Legged Freaks, Starship Troopers and every other crap sci-fi film you ever watched in your life, as the heroes struggle to find a weakness in the killer trees. Naturally, the menace proves to be the result of a National Forest Service genetic experiment, loosed on an unsuspecting town by Christmas-tree poachers. The ravening pines have learned to uproot themselves and scuttle after their prey, and they actually show you the trees in this movie -- the usual ridiculous computer-generated cartoons of course. Again, they only reach shoulder height. It's a riot. The wounded survivors, who have been sprayed with sap, needled, and scraped by the bark of the killer trees, are being treated in the high-school gym, while the bad guys come to a deservedly bad end and the good guys save the day.

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There are a lot of bewildering, but hilarious moments X-actoed out of other films and thrown into the sausage grinder that is the filmmaking mechanism of Trees. For instance, a burly lumberjack in a Santa suit whips a crowd of fellow loggers into a frenzy by announcing "I AM FANG!" and going on to paraphrase the speech William Wallace delivered to the troops before the Battle of Stirling in Braveheart. ("They can take our trees -- but they'll never take our AXES!") The loggers take heart and charge the trees, hollering like a hundred angry Scotsmen -- and indeed, being loggers, they're even wearing plaid shirts. A lot of the film is like that, just nutty, but in a fun way that the first film never got cl0se to.

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Again, the message here is clear: All this human drama is going on around the trees. When the characters aren't all upset about the Great White Pines, they'e worked up about the marital infidelity, bed-wetting, government cover-ups and child endangerment that make up the gritty stuff of everyday Naked Ape life. In every case, THEY'RE MISSING THE POINT. IT'S THE FISH THEY NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR.

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The second film, at least, is a delight that I learned about just in time for the Squidmas holiday season. Both movies come on the same video disc, so I suggest you buy it for someone you love and hate equally. You'll understand what I mean when you see them.

SHARK SWARM

Some days, things just go right. You know what I mean? Well, when I plugged this movie into the player, I suddenly found myself having one of those days. Why? Because the featherless bipeds who committed this film to digital format were having a really, really, REALLY off day when this movie was made. And I like that.

>>I knew I was in for it right away when I saw the promo illustration of two people underwater, with an immense Great White bearing down on them, firing pistols. I mean the humans had the pistols, not the Shark. Oh, you know what I mean. THIS SORT OF IMAGERY IS ALWAYS A SIGN OF QUALITY. Point: pistols do not work underwater. Point: even if they did, you would pretty much aim the pistol at the Shark, not in the opposite direction. The humans look as if they were laying down covering fire for the Shark coming up behind them. Point: Sharks -- particularly Great Whites -- do not need this sort of puny human weapons support. Point: As I said, it was an illustration, not a still from the movie. This usually means that no such thing happened at any point in the story. In fact, it did happen, but somebody couldn't countenance having live-action humans upstaging computer-generated cartoon Sharks, so they drew something up instead.

>> Yes, ladies -- even before the movie starts, when we're just looking at the display box, there are THIS MANY THINGS WRONG.

>> In fact, the CGI Sharks are NOT being upstaged by the Naked Ape actors. I have to say it's the other way around. And that is an astounding statement to have to make, any day of the week. I never thought this day would come.

>> To be fair, this movie boasts an unusually good job of computer animation. It's no Jurassic Park, but still. The crew didn't quite manage to overcome the unnaturally shiny skin one usually gets in faux movie Sharks, but only one of them looked transparent AT ALL, and it was a very brief moment indeed. The stars move very naturally, which as far as I'm concerned is a major breakthrough. They do swim a leetle too fast. But then these are supposed to be turbo-Sharks, not the regular kind. This animation is as far beyond Red Water as...as...well, I'm not coming up with a good analogue here. Trust me, this is way better. And no Coolio! Let me tell you, it's got to be BAD ENOUGH being a transparent, bright-orange, stiff-as-a-board animated Bullshark. Having to face down Coolio and his upside-down 9 mm is just ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.

>> Speaking of human actors, the names in this one are surprisingly well-known. John Schneider, so puffy and dissipated I hardly recognized him! Darryl Hannah, looking throughout the film as if she'd slept on a park bench, then gotten dressed in the dark! Armand Assante, looking entirely hung-over, as the Bad Guy In Chief! F. Murray Abraham, fresh as a daisy in contrast to the others, playing Exposition Guy! At one point in the movie Abraham says to a co-worker: "I LOVE my job." He must. Nobody else raises such a convincing smile in the whole course of the film, even the simpering Teen Love Interests who have choppers to rival those on the stars of the film, for crying out loud.

>> One rather wonders what the wardrobe mistress was thinking. Several characters, particularly the ones we're intended to think of as gorgeous, seem not to change their clothes day after day. In one scene, Schneider (the Hero Type Guy) wakes up to find Hannah (the Plucky Heroine) primping in the bathroom mirror, having thrown a much-too-small corduroy jacket over a rumpled, ratty white-lace nightie styled like a maternity top. The nightie is far too short and flouncy for a woman her age. I thought they were trying to be grittily realistic here, showing how a couple married for 20 years can find each other attractive no matter what. Imagine my surprise when she proceeded to wear this outfit to a town meeting! With cowboy boots!

>> This film is actually full of surprises from the first frame to the last. F. Murray Abraham startled a laugh out of me when he introduced himself as "Professor Bill Girdler." At one point, Schneider hauls himself and his wife out of cartoon Shark-infested waters, and they crouch in a corner of the Totally Evil, Gas-Guzzling Yacht to develop a plan before the Totally Evil Yacht Owners can find and kill them. They both get up to leave, and we see instantly that their clothes are miraculously dry...and pressed.

>> At another tense moment, the Daring EPA Agent, who falls into the sea in pitch darkness while snooping around the old power plant, ducks her head under the surface to check for danger. We notice immediately that somebody has considerately turned the underwater lights on so she can see all 38 Hammerheads streaking hungrily in her direction. She comes up to the surface, and it's pitch dark again. Good times, I tell you!

>>The best surprise of all was "Pastor Herman," the EOD minister. Dear Cod, with a pod of ravenous Sharks eating his congregation left, right and center, what does the guy do? He trots the survivors out into the water, getting his gown all wet, so they can all join hands and praise the oceanic deity! The factor that makes this scene truly astounding is that this is treated as a wholesome, normal church activity, as if it were an ice-cream social. This is in stark contrast to the Leatherface masks and writhing tentacles we saw, and rejoiced with, in Dagon. F'tahgn!

 

>> This leads us to the next surprise. Half a dozen people get munched in the course of this film, and in almost every case, nobody is even curious about WHERE THEY GOT TO. There are no Chrissie Watkins thoraxes washing up on the beach. Honestly, in some ways this movie is no fun at all. But you'd think someone would notice all the unmanned boats knocking around in the bay!

>> The underwater pistols? These turn out to be experimental Navy "pulse guns" that "reset the circuits" in the brains of the Sharks. Being Navy property, they do in fact work underwater. In fact, they may only work underwater. Bill Girdler appears to have a supply of these in his office. That's as far as they went in explaining anything, sorry.

>> They also never explain why, if all the other fish in Full Moon Bay have been killed off by the Bad Guys, the Sharks aren't killed too. Or why the surviving Sharks don't leave to find something to eat. Or how, if the water is poisoned and infested with blood-crazy cartoons Sharks, the Bad Guys seriously expect to sell any condos around the bay. With no fishing and no swimming, who's gonna want their lousy real estate?

 

>> Clenched as I was waiting for the scene when Schneider tries to convince the mayor to CLOSE THE BEACHES, it never happens. Wow!

>>Then there's the Ben Gardner's Battered Boat Tribute, when Schneider kicks at a hole in the hull of a wrecked fishing boat, and about 12 teeth from a Great White fall out on the ground. No wonder the Sharks can't leave the bay -- all the other Sharks would laugh and make jokes referencing denture adhesive.

>> I, personally, thought the movie was a little long on human intrigue and SHORT ON BLOOD. But it's full of good moments. Overall, I recommend it.