THE LOCH

WELL, THIS ONE WAS DIFFERENT!

The story was written by your go-to guy for BIG FISH EPICS, Steve Alten, copyrighted 2005 and published by good old Tor Books.

I have to start right out by telling you that I began reading this one, then SET IT ASIDE FOR MONTHS because it was BORING ME TO TEARS. The first 200 or so pages were nothing but BLATHERING about the protagonist's lousy childhood and bleak romantic and job prospects. Tell you what, the closer I get to entering the water forever, the harder it is to sit through all this yip yap about some human's CHILDHOOD ISSUES. Until we have some more cultural turn-over in the USA, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO BE STUCK WITH when reading a book geared for a human audience.

Obviously, I eventually picked it up again, because, hey, HERE WE ARE. It looks as if I set it aside just when Steve decided to get to THE GOOD PARTS. You know what I mean. The parts about THE LOCH NESS MONSTER. The pace picked up nicely -- I finished the last 3/4 of the book in a day -- and the solution was actually COMPLETELY SATISFYING, not to mention imaginative. There was some pretty good action in here, a very nice suspense level and a delightfully unlikely ending. Alten did a good job of helping me see it as it happened, and you know not every author is good at THAT.

TOO BAD THEY GAVE THE WHOLE STORY AWAY WITH THE JACKET ILLUSTRATION, AND THEN DID IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE BOOK.

Well, OK, they didn't give the WHOLE story away. But to a fish reader, it's pretty obvious. I also had to shake my head when I saw that the hero guy went in and dealt with the situation at last, not because it was the right thing to do or because he was the best man for the job, but because he needed to RESOLVE HIS CHILDHOOD ISSUES.

A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR LANDLOCKED MERMAIDS

This one was written and illustrated -- or more likely illustrated, then written -- by Margot Datz and was published by Atria books in 2008.

I have to be honest here and say this was a VERY NICE EFFORT. The illustrations are very pretty and upbeat, and the message is ENTIRELY POSITIVE. I have NO DOUBT this will increase the recruiting successes among our operatives. More humans will want to "GO FISH" and become recruiters themselves after reading this, and the human males we aim to marry will be drawn in THAT MUCH QUICKER.

Alas, Datz betrays her ENTIRELY HUMAN VIEWPOINT on the relationship between Landfish and their human recruits on ALMOST THE FIRST PAGE. While she appears to entirely understand the plight of a fish out of water, she clearly thinks of it as ultimately a better thing that we come ashore and stay there. She talks about marrying the Shaved Monkeys as if it were an entirely middle-class American proposition -- a monogamous, once-in-a-lifetime, happily-ever-after process. She has NO IDEA that while the happily-ever-after part certainly applies to any human male lucky enough to pair off with a Landfish, the HARD WORK is JUST BEGINNING for the squamous bride, who will have to repeat the process AGAIN AND AGAIN as long as she continues her recruiting work.

She even talks about drowning Naked Apes as if it were a BAD thing! For crying out loud, that's HALF THE FUN!

Other points to ponder include her ENTIRELY HUMAN -- and again, middle-class-American, self-help styled "survival tips." Margot -- honey -- FISH DON'T ACCESSORIZE. EVER. 'KAY?

Oh, and one other thing:

I WAS SO WORRIED THIS WAS GOING TO BE ANOTHER CHILDREN'S BOOK! It is nice to see this plan of action presented for the illumination of ADULTS.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, LADIES: Your instructions are DRAW THEM INTO THE SEA LIKE LEMMINGS. YOU KILL THEM. AND YOU EAT THEM.

A Salute To Bob Brown

Yes, this blog entry is dedicated to the owner of what used to be the Andrea Gail. WHAT A GUY! I mean I always knew I liked him, but I had NO IDEA what a great recruiter he is for us. And the funny part is, HE'S HUMAN.

I learned so much about him when I read Fatal Forecast by Michael Tougias (see the preceding entry). Evidently his crewmen fear the "crazy risks" he takes, staying out on the water NO MATTER WHAT so he can BRING HOME THE FISH. He fishes YEAR ROUND, in any weather, so he can get JUST A FEW MORE FISH UP ONTO DRY LAND. He may or may not suspect that this is EXACTLY WHERE WE WANT TO BE. Maybe this is the guy who REALLY deserves to be on the Gorton's frozen fish box.

I remember thinking, when I saw it in the movie version of The Perfect Storm, that I didn't remember Bob warning Billy Tyne not to go out in the Andrea Gail that last time. I never saw that in the book, did I? Now I know I was right. Not only did he not warn them, he wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. BOB BROWN HAS NO FEAR OF THE OCEAN. HE JUST LOVES FISH MORE THAN ANYTHING. HE WANTS YOU TO LOVE THEM, TOO.

This is a man who has dedicated his life to BRINGING FISH AND HUMANS TOGETHER.

(Oh, and I wanted to mention that there's a photo of him in Tougias's book. He really doesn't look that much like Michael Ironside.)

(And when I say that his boat "used to be" the Andrea Gail, I mean of course that it now belongs to US. You freshwater operatives may not know that the fame of Sebastian Junger's book and film have made this new acquisition of ours a FAVORITE CLUBHOUSE for the North Atlantic's fully-aquatic operatives, especially the ones who used to be human. If you're ever passing through, DROP BY for a game of "go fish." They have sandwiches!)

FATAL FORECAST

Now this was a REALLY GOOD READ. This 2007 publication was put out by Scribner. QUITE INTRIGUING. This book is what The Perfect Storm wanted to be: a play-by-play description of the sinking of a fishing boat in horrendous seas. Tougias could do for us what Junger could not because the boat under discussion in this story, the ironically-named Fair Wind, left a survivor behind, the aptly-named Ernest Hazard. YOU HAVE TO LOVE THOSE NAMES!

Ernie definitely had a rough time of it. The author, Michael Tougias, essentially told you in this book what happened after that last scene we remember from the movie version of The Perfect Storm: Ernie escaped from the boat exactly as Marky Mark Bobby Shatford did in the movie, only he latched onto a life raft and proceeded to spend the next fifty or so hours FIGHTING TO SURVIVE in hundred-foot seas in November, without a coat or even boots on, with nobody aware that the boat had sunk.

If the cover art on the book reminds you of the front cover of your copy of the movie about the Andrea Gail, there's a reason for it. Just about every moment of the Fair Wind's ordeal must have been drawn upon to make the movie version of Junger's book. I knew that a lot of the tribulations before the sinking that they used in the movie (the near-drowning, the Mako kiss) were cobbled together from bad experiences Junger described in the book as happening to Dale Murphy on other fishing trips. No Naked Ape will ever know exactly what happened to the Andrea Gail at the moment of the sinking, and apparently the filmmakers just drew on this story instead.

It adds a little flavor to the proceedings that Bob Brown, who would one day own the Andrea Gail, was out in this same storm in his own boat, taking photos of the waves as the Fair Wind was sinking, and generally marvelling at the scene. That's Bob for you. HE NEVER BROKE A NAIL. I love that guy.

Human readers will think this is a great tragedy -- the shattered lives, the loved ones left behind, all because of a "malfunctioning" weather buoy (chuckle). To a fish reader, the only tragedy is that WE DIDN'T MANAGE TO RECRUIT ERNIE AS WELL. I, personally, NEVER GET TIRED of reading about storms at sea as seen from the human point of view. You and I know how peaceful it is DOWN BELOW no matter how rough the surface gets. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FISH TAKE DRAMAMINE?

I really wish they had been able to follow the adventures of the Fair Wind and the rest of the crew AFTER she capsized, but THOSE ARE THE BREAKS when you're stuck with a human writer. Anyway, If Tougias had written what happened to Rob Thayer, Billy Garnos, Dave Berry, and indeed the Fair Wind herself, that would be considered a maor security leak, and Tougias would have to be KILLED and EATEN.

But let me say again: this is a great read. DROP EVERYTHING AND GET A COPY. We can discuss it at the Book Club meetings at the end of the month.

A Few Thoughts On The Psychic Octopus

 

Not since the cruel death of one of our eight-armed operatives in a hockey rink, some years ago now, has there been THIS MUCH FUSS over an Octapod. "Paul" has become notorious THE WORLD AROUND for his unerring selection of the winner of match after match in the 2010 World Cup finals.

Let me reveal unto the human readership what my fish readers already know...the FULL TRUTH of this supposedly paranormal phenomenon:

PAUL IS NOT PSYCHIC.

PAUL IS NOT A FAKE.

PAUL GETS IT RIGHT EVERY TIME BECAUSE...

...HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE, IT'S PATHETIC.

Sometimes it's almost embarrassing to me, having to interact on a daily basis with this BUNCH OF EGOMANIACS. They think everything they do is such a big deal. Nowhere is this more apparent than on the playing field. Do they not realize that EVERY OTHER SPECIES looks at them in bafflement because of their need to make up PHONY COMPETITIONS to feed their egos? Do they not realize how they look to the rest of us when, by cheering on a team of guys chasing around a peculiar non-edible object, they congratulate themselves that they are part of something important?

THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN'T PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF HUMAN SPORTING EVENTS ARE THE HUMANS THEMSELVES. Why? BECAUSE IN SPITE OF THE STAGGERING HUMAN INTELLIGENCE YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

And Paul -- who had the rippingly funny idea of JUST LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW THIS -- is now a superstar. Little do the featherless bipeds suspect that the only reason we didn't let them in on this before is that NOBODY BUT A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID.