This Quote Really Captures It For Me...

"In many ways, we humans are the fish equivalent of a hot-rod Beetle. Take the body plan of a fish, dress it up to be a mammal, tweak and twist that mammal until it walks on two legs, talks, thinks, and has superfine control of its fingers—and you have a recipe for problems. We can dress up a fish only so much without paying a price. In a perfectly designed world—one with no history—we would not have to suffer everything from hemorrhoids to cancer." 

-- from Neil Shubin's Your Inner Fish


(ISBN 0375424474)

Just a reminder, ladies.  The sooner we get them turned BACK into fish, the happier everyone will be.

Lobster Pop-Tarts???

+

=

I KNOW!  THAT'S WHAT I SAID, TOO!

There's this restaurant called Barton G. in Miami, Florida serving -- in an absolutely straight-faced manner! -- LOBSTER POP-TARTS.  WHO COMES UP WITH THESE THINGS?  Someone chopped up some of our hard-shelled operatives, layered them with Gruyere cheese and slapped them between layers of flaky pastry before serving them in a toaster.  It's one of the restaurant's appetizers, I guess.

CRAZY -- BUT IT APPEARS TO BE WORKING.   Two previously-human diners have already completed their transformation into fully-aquatic operatives!

I can't tell you how this makes my day after the whole tartar-sauce debacle (see August 5th, 2015 at this blog).

Welcome Home, Natalia!

 

 

FINALLY, Natalia Molchanova, the world's greatest free diver, has made her way home to Dagon, where she will dwell in wonder and glory forever. 

 

If only everyone else up on dry land were already home with us!

Sea World Profits Dip 84% Since The Release Of BLACKFISH

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF, LADIES.  The Blackfish documentary -- its release was almost inevitable after Tillikum killed that Naked Ape "trainer" and got all that press -- could easily drive Sea World out of business.  NOT THAT TILLIKUM WASN'T IN THE RIGHT.  There's no way around THAT.  But we now have to grapple with the fallout -- Shaved Monkeys staying away in droves from the amusement park that has been bringing OUR OPERATIVES together with new recruits for DECADES.  This is far sadder than the decline of the living Mermaid city at Weeki Wachee Springs; THOSE AREN'T EVEN REAL MERMAIDS.  I wish humans,  who are always going on about how intelligent they are, could figure THIS one out.   It just makes me tired sometimes.

There are things we can do about this, of course.  You'll have new reading materials at the next chapter meetings with a REUNIFICATION PLAN.  You will all have roles to play.  See you next Saturday and we'll discuss it.

Fear The Tartar Sauce. Fear It!

This DISTURBING IMAGE captures one of the CENTRAL PROBLEMS of our recruiting effort in the North American Conspiracy Zone.  If you look carefully you'll see that the woman in this photo is chugging a bottle of (gakk!) TARTAR SAUCE.  R&D has been studying this problem since the filth was first invented, and there's NO GETTING AROUND IT.  When a Shaved Monkey adds tartar sauce to any meal made from OUR OPERATIVES -- be it Codfish sticks, panfried Catfish fillets, planked Whitefish a la duchesse, a heaping bowl of frutti di mare salad at Squidmastime, or what have you -- the stuff seems to LOWER THE EFFECT WE ARE GIVING OUR LIVES TO ACHIEVE. The spoogy, green, pus-looking GLOP somehow keeps the fish DNA from absorbing properly into the system of a Shaved Monkey.  It keeps him or her from transforming into a fish. 

I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT I SAID, TOO!  This explains so much, you know?  ESPECIALLY NEBRASKA, WHERE EVERYONE PRACTICALLY LIVES ON THE STUFF AND WHERE RECRUITMENT HAS BEEN SLOWER THAN MOLASSES IN JANUARY. 

And what I can't grasp is why it's so popular.  It looks, smells, and tastes horrible.  I feel so incredibly lucky that I hated the stuff from infancy and would cheerfully eat any type of fish prepared in almost any fashion AS LONG AS IT NEVER TOUCHED TARTAR SAUCE.  It's as if Dagon reached out a tentacle from the bottom of the ocean and touched ME, a little human girl, and specifically CHOSE me to eat fish until I turned into one.  AND LOOK AT ME NOW.  Almost 100% Catfish, and leading an ARMY of my sisters to BRING THE REST OF THE FEATHERLESS BIPEDS HOME TO THE SEA WHERE THEY TRULY BELONG.

SO HERE'S MY SUGGESTION, LADIES.

Clearly we need a new initiative.  We are no longer going to waste a lot of time on consumers of tartar sauce, AT LEAST if we are only able to recruit them by getting them to eat fish.  R&D has cleared all other sauces for recruitment purposes:  soy sauce, lemon juice, white sauce with parsley, Worcestershire, nuoc mam, ketchup, red wine sauce, obviously Oyster sauce, that minty stuff I can't remember the name of, sweet 'n' sour sauce, and garum -- remember garum?  Dang that was good, but just try finding it these days! -- and even that awful honey-mustard stuff are all TOTALLY FINE.  Serve those instead at your restaurants, your potlucks, your barbecues.  Heck, INVENT SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW.  If it goes over, HAND OUT THE RECIPE AT YOUR NEXT CHAPTER MEETING.

Are you already working on a tartar sauce eater and feeling progress?  THERE ARE STILL AVENUES TO PURSUE.  You can often wean your Naked Ape date onto lemon juice these days; everyone is so conscious of their waistlines in the USA, partly because THEY EAT SO MUCH TARTAR SAUCE.  Get him up close and personal with fish in OTHER ways.  Go to the aquarium.  Take the guy fishing.  Ask him to help you set up your new Goldfish tank. There's always scuba diving.  Rent a Jacques Cousteau film. When you serve fish, serve something that does NOT go with tartar sauce -- like Clam chowder. (A list of recipes will be in your mailboxes soon.)  And: Swim, swim, swim!!!!

New motto for the week:  LIPS THAT TOUCH TARTAR WILL NEVER TOUCH MINE!