It's Too Late; There's Nothing More We Can Do...

...Mohamed Nasheed, erstwhile president of the dry-land areas of the Maldive Island chain, has stepped down from his post after what he insists was a government coup. I'M AS UNHAPPY ABOUT THIS AS YOU ARE, LADIES. This was in some ways a great elected official, FOR A SHAVED MONKEY, THAT IS. Pictured above is an underwater Cabinet meeting held by Nasheed to point out the fact that his part of the island chain, THE PART NOT ALREADY CONTROLLED BY US, is rapidly disappearing under the surface of a rising sea. You have to like a guy like this! If only he understood that WE WELCOME HIS SORT under the sea, and that he would be very happy there on a full-time basis.

(He did NOT plan it this way, but we got several recruits that day because of this publicity stunt. Heh.)

TURISTAS

This is one of those special movies that humans see one way, and fish see another.

Supposedly a horror film (!), Turistas (2006) is a vacation-detour-into-Hell story that has the characters waking up on a Brazilian beach, badly hung-over, robbed blind and not knowing what to do next. Then someone comes along and helps them, AND MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS DELIGHTFUL FEATURE:

>> Water, water everywhere! The characters are in their swimsuits for most of the story, and paddling in an amazingly clear Amazon River in scene after scene. When they're not swimming, they're refreshed by the rain. Or in the shower. For this reason alone, this film would make a great double feature with Dagon. Try it and see!

>> Half the people who die, die in an underwater cave or with the rain beating down on them. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RIGHT?

>> Everyone in this story seems able to swim like a fish, even the foreigners who have supposedly never been near this part of the world before. When they try to manage on land, BAD THINGS HAPPEN. You know what THAT means, right?

Oh, I've told you enough. See it with a human friend. They'll leave shaking and maybe retching. You'll be smiling!

Just When You Think You Know Who Your Friends Are...

LADIES, THIS ONE IS ABSOLUTELY ASTOUNDING.

WE ALL KNOW that one of the safest ways to conceal ourselves from the unconverted is to FAKE SUICIDE BY DROWNING. A lovelorn lass who casts herself into the Thames. A mysterious boating accident. A nasty slip and fall at the edge of a fast river. A baffling Shark attack. THE NAKED APE MEDICAL EXAMINER RARELY QUESTIONS THIS RUSE IF THERE'S ENOUGH FOAM IN THE VICTIM'S GULLET. The piscatorial essence of the "drowner" has made good her escape and is halfway to Feejee by the time the rest of her is hauled out of the drink. Well, it's just come to my attention that the Shaved Monkeys are HELPING US SUCCEED IN THIS DECEPTION.

A report from a Great Lakes area operative indicates that LARGE NUMBERS of our recruits are being mistaken for autistics who, like those changing into fish, are compelled, lemminglike, to fling themselves into the nearest body of water if left unattended. Our girl was at some sort of training in downtown Detroit yesterday, and was informed that 50% of all deaths of autistics are due to drowning.

LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE:

>> As a human transforms into, say, a Carp, the mimetic muscles of the face cease to function. I CERTAINLY NEVER SMILE ANY MORE MYSELF. I guess autistics are noted for their "inappropriate affect," too.

>> The autist tends to be a bit uncoordinated on land. As the bony limbs of a recruited Homo sap soften and melt into fins, some of us get this ourselves, and sometimes even have to spend a period of confinement to bed or wheelchair before the final push into Dagon's realm.

>> The trainer told our operative yesterday that autists have a hard time BREATHING on land, too. Just like me! Just like half the ladies in our land army at any given time!

>> The trainer explained also that autists have a hard time understanding and imitating normal Homo sap social behavior. It can certainly get harder and harder, as the person becomes less of a Shaved Monkey and more of a Crab or Squid, to PLAY ALONG WITH STOOPID HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

>> I guess these particular Naked Apes have a hard time making themselves understood when they speak, if they speak at all. Again, NOT UNLIKE SOME OF OUR OPERATIVES. Usually the problem is just finding a way to speak without the barbels popping out in an awkward fashion, but as the transformation progresses, sometimes speech goes away WELL before the lungs do.

Incredibly, this guy offers some solutions for us. Caregivers sometimes put a Medic-Alert bracelet on someone like this to let strangers know who they are, where they belong and what their problem is. They also have warning stickers on car windows, stuff like that.

NOW, I'M NOT SUGGESTING you buy an ID bracelet that says "I AM TURNING INTO A FISH. IF FOUND, RETURN TO ANY NEARBY SEWER LINE OR LAKE." What I AM suggesting is that you may be able to slither out of some awkward situations by carrying a fake "I AM AUTISTIC AND MY NAME IS" card, identifying a less-obviously-piscatorial operative as your "caregiver" so that you can be returned safely to your pod.

Imagine, getting help like this from the very people we mean to recruit to OUR side. Meanwhile, I hardly need to point out the tactical advantages of recruiting a set of people who are not an easy fit with their own species -- and who are IRRESISTABLY DRAWN TO WATER.

Breaking "Hoff Crab" News

This may be the first such event of its kind in Crab World Takeover history. Yeti Crab HQ has PUBLICLY DISAVOWED any connection with David Haselhoff, that famous shaved TV monkey of the drippy cheeseburger and sucked-in abs. In fact, they went on to disavow any conection with Yetis, which are just another loathsome and foul-smelling Ape species. They would like to go back to being known as Southern Circumpolar Crab Operatives, and I for one am happy to comply.

Problem is, no human alive will ever know about it. Their public is different from ours.

JAPANESE WOMEN DON'T GET OLD OR FAT

It's a cookbook.

It's a polemic on healthy eating.

But above all, IT'S A TALE OF PISCATORIAL LOVE, LOST AND FOUND.

JUST READ IT, OK?

One More Time...

I just want to reiterate for you new recruits who find it hard to tell "us" from "them" because they have too recently begun to change into fish:

HE'S NOT REALLY A NEWT. THEY JUST CALL HIM THAT.

Those weeping and gnashing their pharyngeal teeth over Gingrich's big loss yesterday in the Florida primary can just CALM DOWN RIGHT NOW. Neither he, nor the other guy named after a catcher's glove, is one of our operatives.

At the rate they're going -- despite Romney's close ties to the Great Lake State -- THEY NEVER WILL BE.