Just When You Think You Know Who Your Friends Are...

LADIES, THIS ONE IS ABSOLUTELY ASTOUNDING.

WE ALL KNOW that one of the safest ways to conceal ourselves from the unconverted is to FAKE SUICIDE BY DROWNING. A lovelorn lass who casts herself into the Thames. A mysterious boating accident. A nasty slip and fall at the edge of a fast river. A baffling Shark attack. THE NAKED APE MEDICAL EXAMINER RARELY QUESTIONS THIS RUSE IF THERE'S ENOUGH FOAM IN THE VICTIM'S GULLET. The piscatorial essence of the "drowner" has made good her escape and is halfway to Feejee by the time the rest of her is hauled out of the drink. Well, it's just come to my attention that the Shaved Monkeys are HELPING US SUCCEED IN THIS DECEPTION.

A report from a Great Lakes area operative indicates that LARGE NUMBERS of our recruits are being mistaken for autistics who, like those changing into fish, are compelled, lemminglike, to fling themselves into the nearest body of water if left unattended. Our girl was at some sort of training in downtown Detroit yesterday, and was informed that 50% of all deaths of autistics are due to drowning.

LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE:

>> As a human transforms into, say, a Carp, the mimetic muscles of the face cease to function. I CERTAINLY NEVER SMILE ANY MORE MYSELF. I guess autistics are noted for their "inappropriate affect," too.

>> The autist tends to be a bit uncoordinated on land. As the bony limbs of a recruited Homo sap soften and melt into fins, some of us get this ourselves, and sometimes even have to spend a period of confinement to bed or wheelchair before the final push into Dagon's realm.

>> The trainer told our operative yesterday that autists have a hard time BREATHING on land, too. Just like me! Just like half the ladies in our land army at any given time!

>> The trainer explained also that autists have a hard time understanding and imitating normal Homo sap social behavior. It can certainly get harder and harder, as the person becomes less of a Shaved Monkey and more of a Crab or Squid, to PLAY ALONG WITH STOOPID HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

>> I guess these particular Naked Apes have a hard time making themselves understood when they speak, if they speak at all. Again, NOT UNLIKE SOME OF OUR OPERATIVES. Usually the problem is just finding a way to speak without the barbels popping out in an awkward fashion, but as the transformation progresses, sometimes speech goes away WELL before the lungs do.

Incredibly, this guy offers some solutions for us. Caregivers sometimes put a Medic-Alert bracelet on someone like this to let strangers know who they are, where they belong and what their problem is. They also have warning stickers on car windows, stuff like that.

NOW, I'M NOT SUGGESTING you buy an ID bracelet that says "I AM TURNING INTO A FISH. IF FOUND, RETURN TO ANY NEARBY SEWER LINE OR LAKE." What I AM suggesting is that you may be able to slither out of some awkward situations by carrying a fake "I AM AUTISTIC AND MY NAME IS" card, identifying a less-obviously-piscatorial operative as your "caregiver" so that you can be returned safely to your pod.

Imagine, getting help like this from the very people we mean to recruit to OUR side. Meanwhile, I hardly need to point out the tactical advantages of recruiting a set of people who are not an easy fit with their own species -- and who are IRRESISTABLY DRAWN TO WATER.