This Is So Wrong, I Don't Even Know What To Say...

WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS!?

I wish I were kidding about this, ladies -- a "new" Crab species "discovered" by a group of Shaved Monkeys tooling around in deep-sea submersibles has been named after...wait for it...David Hasselhoff. I guess I can understand that there's a tenuous connection because of the Hoff's history on Baywatch, but I TOTALLY DISAGREE that this species of operative has a hairy chest like "The Hoff's" and I REALLY, REALLY DISAGREE with any other comparison between the two. The Hoff spends hours tanning; these noble Crabs retire in the shadows close to deep-sea vents. The Hoff eats magical, melting cheeseburgers; these ladies imbibe only from dainty, superheated mineral water. The Hoff is a frikkin' drunk and NO CRAB IN HISTORY EVER WAS, LET ALONE THIS SPECIE.

I could go on and on. But I won't. YOU GET THE IDEA.