Ray Troll: Recruiter Of The Year...Every Year!

Are you already starting to worry about what to have under the Squidmas tree this holiday season? I CERTAINLY WAS until I remembered the Ray Troll website. Yes, when you click on that link you will be looking at commercially-available fish-themed Christmas cards. DO YOU NOT HAVE TO LOVE IT?

I can think of only one possible improvement: tentacled wrapping paper. I've tried to get the HP Lovecraft Historical Society to whip some up for us, but beyond polite expressions of interest I've seen NO RESULTS. Ray Troll, on the other hand, is a man we can count on for one funky-fresh fish fash after another. Being one of our best recruiters, yet ENTIRELY HUMAN, he offers the PERFECT COVER for the fish conspiracy to begin changing Christmas to Squidmas for children ALL OVER THE WORLD. I may yet e-mail him to pitch the idea.

What makes Troll's sales items SO FANTASTIC, aside from their high quality and terrific recruiting applications, is that they are WILDLY POPULAR among the Shaved Monkeys. This means that you do not need to be one of our operatives to wear them, hang them up, or send them in the mail. One year I had one of his calendars hanging in my public office and never saw anyone raise an eyebrow.

Let me give you an even better example of how harmless this man seems to the human population. Back when I was still struggling with my identity as a human, not realizing that I was actually turning into a Catfish and that all my landscum problems would soon be OVER, my therapist gave me a Ray Troll "FISH WORSHIP: IS IT WRONG?" t-shirt as a gift.

What she thought of as a gag was actually a NUMINOUS MOMENT OF REALIZATION for me. It was my first introduction to Ray Troll, and in a way it helped introduce me to my own destiny. I still have that t-shirt and wear it on ceremonial occasions.

It's Time, Ladies

...To repot your Bowiea volubilis!

Yes sir and yes ma'am, the humble "Sea Onion" raised in every land operative's home CONTINUES TO DO ITS WORK, converting THEIR LAND to OUR WATER. I waited ALMOST TOO LONG to repot mine this year and discovered a tangle of bare roots waaaaaay down in the bottom of the pot, the plant having sucked up almost all of the soil and converted it to the mysterious liquid, the very ELIXIR OF DAGON, inside the bulbs.

I have no idea, by the way, why the landscum keep adding "sea" to the name of any odd-looking plant they come across. Or even not so odd-looking. I agree that the Sea Thistle (aka Sea Holly) has a delightfully otherworldly, oceanic aspect to it, but Seakale? It looks like Spinach with a thyroid condition.

At any rate, it certainly worked out to OUR ADVANTAGE in this case; Sea Onions are now available through any reputable nursery dealing in fine succulents. Next I think I'll try a Starfish Plant. What's homier than a houseplant that smells like rotten meat, am I right?

Disinformation Works!

The really incredible thing is that we've already made $23,000 with this ad and put every penny in the Wig Fund! Sheesh, everybody knows it doesn't cost a red cent to make a Goldfish more intelligent. In fact, half of the ones in your local pet store used to be English majors who couldn't get jobs up on dry land and joined us instead!

Another Lobster Day Has Come And Gone

...and what have we learned? Recruiting With Lobsters works! Actually, all the Lobsters in this photo are human women in Lobster outfits, but it was certainly a step in the right direction. OUR DISGUISES ARE FAR MORE SUBTLE, and we have not had a single Lobster operative uncovered to date.

Another Jewel from Euell

Euell Gibbons, that is. (I can never get over how much I love that man's name.)

Here is another quote from page 227 of Stalking The Blue-Eyed Scallop:

"From Cape Cod to Labrador, there is hardly a wharf, jetty or rocky point that will not yield enough Pollack for a good meal. Other fish may be localized -- one place being good for Smelt fishing, another yielding Flounder, while still others may be the best places for Mackerel -- but everywhere you will also find the Pollack, usually outnumbering the more desired fishes ten to one. Not that the Pollack isn't a good fish -- it is a fine food fish when properly prepared -- but any fish as plentiful and easily caught as the Pollack soon comes to be considered unattractive by bored local fishermen."

There is PROFOUND WISDOM in this passage, ladies, and an EXCELLENT RECRUITING TIP. Always remember that we are dealing with Great Apes, and one of their primary mental characteristics is the need to be constantly entertained. Which is why the Pollack now appear in costume, aping the Apes.

By the way, that's pronounced PAHL-ock, not POLE-ock. That means you, Lisa.