EMPIRE OF THE ANTS

NOW, THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING NOVEL, LADIES.

The story is the first installment of a three-volume series penned by Bernard Werber, translated from le francais by Margaret Rocques, and published in the U.S. of A. by Bantam Books. AS FAR AS I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DETERMINE, the others (Le jour des fourmis and La revolution des fourmis) have not yet been translated. STAY TUNED.

Well, IT'S A DELIGHTFUL READ, and rarely have I been so grateful to find a book available in a waterproof format. In this installment, the Ants are minding their usual business, farming mushrooms, milking Aphids, taking war captives, and EXPANDING THEIR OPERATIONS. But they do not realize that they have been under careful study by a Naked Ape named Edmond. In fact, they have no idea that there is such a thing as a Naked Ape. (Ah, sweet innocence!) BUT ALL THAT CHANGES IN DUE TIME.

Of course, this book was written by a Shaved Monkey, and A MAJOR THRUST in the story is about proving whether Ants have ANY REAL INTELLIGENCE. Good old Edmond figures that if he can learn to have a conversation with an Ant, they must be worth bothering with. Sigh! There is even a statement in here the the effect that God created two intelligent species on our planet to see which would progress better. You know, like a contest. Because NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO THE SHAVED MONKEYS THAN COMPETITION. YEAH, SKIPPY; IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR EGO.

LEAVE IT TO A SHAVED MONKEY TO COME UP WITH THAT ONE.

Never mind -- this is a fun and fabulous exploration of how A VERY DIFFERENT CONSPIRACY OPERATES. Most -- not all -- of the story is based on methodical observation of Ant lives and, while much of the interpretation of same is MONKEY SPINACH, a lot of is is also correct. I highly recommend it.

Happy Anniversary, Mary Jo!

IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY that Mary Jo Kopechne successfully engineered one of the most DAREDEVIL final transformations ever. If you think it's tricky to transform yourself into a fish and disappear in the middle of the burning sands of the Gobi, at mid-day, so none of the humans around you suspects you haven't died of athlete's foot -- WELL, THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS STUNT. Our stalwart Capitol Hill plant managed to maneuver herself into Poucha Pond while spiriting the driver, Senator Ted Kennedy, out of the car safe and sound, with THE STOOPIDEST COVER STORY EVER. In fact it was SO dumb that nobody ever asked the 64 dollar question:

WHAT IF MARY JO SWAM OUT OF HER OWN MOUTH AND MADE HER ESCAPE THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW IN THE FORM OF A CODFISH?

Good times, I tell you -- good times. THEY NEVER SUSPECTED A THING.

And why do I feel free to post this information on the Internet? BECAUSE NOBODY UP ON DRY LAND WOULD BELIEVE IT IN A MILLION YEARS. BY WHICH TIME IT WILL BE WAAAAAAAAAY TOO LATE.

Jellyfish Operations Uncovered By Naked Apes

Naked Ape attempts to fool himself that he knows what this operative is about

This Robert Condon character is turning into a real Anchorworm. He appears to have figured out how the Jellyfish working for our glorious Cause ate TAKING OVER. I quote:

"[Jellyfish] are eating a lot of the food web, and turning it into a gelatinous biomass."

DON'T GET THE IDEA THAT HEADQUARTERS IS WORRIED ABOUT THIS DISCOVERY. THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO TO STOP US. FOOLS.

Recruiting Tool -- Or Bane Of the Conspiracy?

Yes, you heard me right...LOBSTER ICE CREAM.

The website for Ben & Bill's Chocolate Emporium describes the frosty confection as "a butter-flavored ice cream," with chopped operatives added. I gather it is quite popular. I guess ANY METHOD of introducing shellfish DNA into the Naked Apes is PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT. But...

I don't know, ladies. I just don't know.

Meet The Seabreacher X!

I have to say, THIS IS VERY CUTE. It's an innovation in personal submarines, allowing naked Apes to drive on the surface, drive UNDERNEATH the surface or, as you can see from the photo, launch themselves out of the water like springtailed Sharks. It's a two-seater, by the way.

Of course, this is VERY likely to promotoe PISCTORIAL LOVE if it catches on.

BUT YOU CAN SEE MY QUIBBLE WITH THIS, RIGHT? The driver is WARM AND DRY, and NO CLOSER TO BEING A FISH THAN BEFORE.

The other problem? The dang thing costs $81,000 American. We have far too many rich idjits recruited already. Scrod only knows what we're going to do with the ones we have now!

EQUINOX

I'm not going to attempt a complete review of this film. It's far too human-focused and NOT PISCATORIAL ENOUGH. (It's a 1970 release directed by Dennis Muren and Jack Woods.)

I do, however, want to point out that the character in this story on which the entire story hinges is a college professor named WATERMAN. (Charmingly, he was played by sci-fi and horror writer Fritz Leiber.)

The kids who go to meet with the good doctor COME TO GRIEF, but not before they see the professor try to cross a stream, slip on a wet rock, and bafflingly DIE. They turn their backs on him for a minute, and when they go back to check on him again, he's DISAPPEARED.

I daresay it was unintentional, but I HARDLY NEED TO POINT OUT the similarity to the rather abrupt transitions our operatives used to make from Naked Ape to fish. It really takes me back, you know? The operative would get a little too close to the water and, BOINK, gone without a trace. The Shaved Monkey rescue services would JUST ABOUT GO CRAZY trying to recover the body, but like as not the "missing person" was right there in plain view, laughing at them in the form of a Minnow or Snapping Turtle.

And what's even funnier is the timing of this picture. The last time I saw people hiking through the woods in beehive hair and stirrup pants was just about the time we changed over to the newer method of changing over slowly.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF THEY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!

Another Disturbing Dream!

THIS TIME, not only was I human again, but I was lying in bed in the room I slept in when I was still a Shaved Monkey travel agent.

I looked down at myself, and the bedspread had turned into lawn grass. Tucked into the grass was an ENORMOUS Scorpion -- crusty gray, as if she had a soap-scum problem or was about to molt, with claws out to THERE and the business end, the stinger, concealed in the grass. The photo above is not of the same species -- far too dainty and slender. I chose this image off Google because of the pink-tipped claws; the pink tips on the immense, bunched claws were the only color on the specimen in bed with me. This was a thick-shelled customer, almost like the larger and tougher Crab species, seemingly designed to pry open cans judging by the muscular build. The whole business must have been a foot and a half long.

Then I spotted another one, the same color but much smaller, tailless and stingless, with a very different shape, almost like a long-legged Trilobite with a segmented body. No pink tips here, and claws the right size for capturing small prey.

I remember thinking, "I'LL HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL IF I TURN OVER."

My thoughts are:

>> Scorpions were originally an aquatic species.

>> Scorpio is still a water sign.

>> The larger Scorpion was distinctly Crablike.

Beyond that, I'M JUST NOT SURE WHAT THIS MEANS.