Enter The Sea? Now? Is That A Good Idea?

The cards, letters and phone calls are POURING IN, asking me one question over and over: IS THIS REALLY A GOOD TIME TO ENTER THE SEA AND CHANGE FROM HUMAN TO FISH? Our operatives are WORRIED SICK about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the longliners, the gillnetters, the purse-seiners, the human filth pouring into every body of water from every sewage pipe, not to mention the WAD OF PLASTIC THE SIZE OF THE AFRICAN CONTINENT twirling slowly around and around in the Horse Latitudes.

The short answer is, YES, LADIES; THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BECOME A FISH. We have never needed underwater support MORE, and we DEFINITELY need fewer and fewer bipeds up on dry land.

The longer answer is that IT'S NOT AS BAD DOWN HERE AS YOU MIGHT BE PICTURING. A lot of the short harvests experienced by commercial fishing boats, for instance, are OF OUR OWN DEVISING. There are plenty of WHOLE SPECIES down there no human has ever heard of, and WE ARE ALL WORKING TOGETHER to defeat the menace of the Shaved Monkeys. There is still clean water to breathe and when you arrive, YOU WILL BE AMONG FRIENDS FOREVER.

Of course, they also have no clue how many fish are UP ON DRY LAND, working to end their reign forever. We need you THERE. We need you HERE.

Keep close the GOOD NEWS that WORRY IS A HUMAN INVENTION. Once you transform completely into a fish, you will have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, AND NOTHING TO WORRY WITH. Now how bad can that be?

Shaved Monkeys Experience A Glimmer Of Insight

WOW, I FINALLY FOUND IT!

An article in the Washington Post revealed unto the readership that the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is actually...are you ready?..IS ACTUALLY AFFECTING THE FISH. This is the very first comment to that effect I've heard or seen since the disaster began, WEEKS AGO. They go on and on about the effect it's having on all the poor widdle nesting birds, and the price of gas, and the PR status of the conglomerates involved.

FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZED THAT IN AN OIL SPILL ON THE OCEAN, THE FISH MAY SOMEHOW BE AFFECTED.

In fact, the article specifically said that due to some sort of other toxic crap called "dispersants" added to the filth billowing out of the broken pipes, this Texas Tea is GOING BOLDLY WHERE NO OIL SPILL HAS GONE BEFORE -- to the bottom, where it is coating living Corals, gagging the Shrimp and hurting the nesting and feeding sites of Snapper and other desirable edible species. YEAH, AS LONG AS IT AFFECTS THE NAKED APES WE ALL HAVE TO WORRY, IS THAT IT? Because if there were no such thing as a Snapper, THE OIL SPILL WOULDN'T MATTER.

I don't need to tell you I'm not happy about this, ladies.

AND MARK MY WORDS: THEY WILL PAY.