Just One More Jingle Squid

 

I spotted this on Google Images -- it's a rubber stamp -- and knew it would make the perfect seal for everyone's Squidmas cards next year.  

You can find it here: https://rubberhedgehog.com/products/christmas-squid-rubber-stamp-squid-has-jingle-bell-on-head

 

It's That Time Of Year Again...

 

This FABULOUS POSTER by a human artist named Sam Spicer is just the thing to get us in the holiday frame of mind.  You can buy it here: https://www.redbubble.com/i/poster/Have-Yourself-A-Merry-Little-Squidmas-by-flailingmuse/17779790.LVTDI

I am deliberately drawing on sources OTHER than "Squid Game," which I am already FED UP WITH even though it hasn't been around that long.  While I'm glad that the word SQUIDMAS is in wider circulation because of it, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY as you ladies in the fish world WELL KNOW.

We're working on that...

Aside from the poster, um, posted above, there are plenty of other great cephalopod-themed gifts for this special season.  WHOEVER IS DISTRIBUTING THE GIFTS REALLY OUGHT TO BE WEARING SOMETHING LIKE THIS AT THE PARTY:

And the gifts should probably include items like these:

...But of course, ANY piscatorial gift is acceptable for the holiday.  I'M BRINGING THE FRUTTI DI MARE SALAD  SO DON"T EVEN WORRY ABOUT THAT! 

SHARK ATTACK

 

WELL, LADIES, I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE...But I'll try.

PLOT SUMMARY: A scientist is desperately trying to send an email to his colleague from his boat, but is set upon by bad guys who feed him to...US. The next time we see him, he's dead and his arm is being pulled out of the GI tract of a shark operative; he is quickly identified by his wristwatch.  Somehow this leads to, or coincides with, a decision to call in Hero Guy played by Casper Van Dien who is a scientist guy in America.  He arrives, learns his colleague is dead and quickly decides it look kind of odd, maybe even suspicious.  Investigation shows...

Well, this is PRETTY DISGUSTING and I'm sorry to put these pictures in your minds.  Onwards...  

Hero Guy and the pretty blonde sister of Dead Scientist Guy start swimming with, being attacked by, and DISSECTING hapless local sharks only to learn they have been fed something like steroids that makes them super hungry and eager to put the munch on ANYONE, NO MATTER HOW UNSUITABLE THEY MAY BE AS RECRUITS FOR OUR GLORIOUS CAUSE.  To encourage any super-hungry shark not willing to go the distance, someone has deployed gadgets that attract them and CREATE A MOOD OF FEEDING FRENZY.  Hero Guy and Pretty Blonde investigate, get to the bottom of things and SQUARE IT ALL AWAY, leaving in their wake so many dead operatives that I COULD PUKE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> This 1999 made-for-TV movie betrays so little understanding of what sharks are about and why that on that level, at least, I am well satisfied.  OUR SECRETS ARE SAFE FROM THIS DIRECTOR.  His name, by the way, is Brian Misiorowski.

>> In one way this story is pretty realistic: in order to try to understand us, they KILL AS MANY OF US AS THEY CAN, SLIT US OPEN AND LOOK AT OUR GIBLETS UNDER MICROSCOPES. Would it hurt them so much to just let us recruit them for the fish army SO THEY CAN FINALLY UNDERSTAND?

>> One of the giblet-slitting shark researchers -- played by Bentley Mitchum --  MUCH AS IN REAL LIFE, is trying to use us to CURE CANCER. Ho hum.  It's not going well.  FINE BY ME. 

>> In other ways this movie is quite typical of the Stupid Shark Movie subgenre.  There is a greedy investor trying to buy the whole town for nefarious reasons.  There are a great many car, boat, and scuba chases that end in FIERY EXPLOSIONS.  Lots of bullets being sprayed everywhere.  In this movie, as in most of them, the better-looking you are the more likely you are to survive to the end.  

>> An unclear number of sharks are SAWED OPEN so the landscape can look at tiny sections of their internal organs under a bright light. THEY CAN'T TAKE A BLOOD SAMPLE? Ooooh, no, we're pretty dispensaable to that sort.  THE WASTE OF ALL THAT TALENT IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO TRY IT ON ALL OF THEM AND SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT.

>> The story is set in Africa -- no special country, just "Africa."  This is an interesting oversight considering how TERRITORIAL the landscape are, but the cast of course is overwhelmingly Euromonkey.  To someone's credit there are quite a few African names in the credits and African faces on the screen, but for the most part, if the character has mire than one line in the script, he or she is highly prone to sunburn.  Needless to say, almost everyone speaks English fluently.  The African character with the most lines is played by Ernie Hudson, who's as American as a cheeseburger. Why do they always have to do it that way?

>> Most of this is immaterial to our purposes in watching any Stupid Shark Movie but it does serve our fully aquatic operatives, to help them understand what humans are really all about: FINDING WAYS TO FEEL LIKE BIG SHOTS.  That's what the shooting and killing are about, along with the medical experiments, the grant applications, the real-estate investments, the skimpy bikinis, everything.  UNDERSTAND THAT AND YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO UNDERSTANDING EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FEATHERLESS BIPEDS.

>> The sharks in this story are just there to be SCARY.  They come after you and if you are not one of the main characters, they EAT YOU for no reason.  I feel safer knowing humans see sharks this way, but the part of me that still thinks like a shaved monkey is INSULTED.

>> If you are a land operative -- a former Naked Ape making the transition to a permanent underwater life -- you may get a kick out of this movie because of the goofy cartoon-level human social dynamic. You might feel a little nostalgic, even homesick. If you are far enough along to have forgotten how it works, it may be baffling. ME?  I'm just relieved I no longer work this way.

I recommend that you watch this one only if you think you can stomach the cruelty to sharks.

Thought For The Day