This Made My Whole Day...

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Saw THIS one over the weekend, too. 

Wow.  Just...wow.

This 2014 release is bound to be one of the most frightening stories you will see in your lifetime.  I am pretty sure this will not turn out to be an exaggerated claim on my part.  Dear Scrod, I was hardly able to turn my eyes away from the screen as the horror unfolded, and I had BAD DREAMS all night afterwards.  I still feel weird, 2 days later.  IT WAS THAT SCARY.

This is essentially the same type of nightmare presented to viewers in the original Planet of the Apes film cycle.  Apes evolve into humans, who evolve into apes, who evolve into humans, back and forth until you're just about ready to bury your head in the floor of the fishtank and breathe sand to make it go away.  But this particular movie reaches far beyond all the others to out-and-out terrify any waterbreather watching it. 

In the previous installment, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, we see exactly why the featherless bipeds need to be turned back into fish.  No surprises here.  The human world is ugly.  They're unbelievably cruel even to the close relatives they claim to be so fond of -- the other "great apes."  The apes, to their credit, get out of Dodge and start their own society, taking advantage of some of the unexpected effects of the medical research being done on them to break free and head for the nearest forestland.  The inspirational ending isn't quite enough to offset the hideousness of what the apes are escaping, but it's still a big relief.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes  picks up the story about 10 years later, and we get a good, close look into ape society.  Chimps, Gorillas and Orangs are living cooperatively and peacefully...UNTIL THE FEATHERLESS BIPEDS SHOW UP. 

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> At the start of the story, there are already some signs that things are going to go TERRIBLY WRONG.  The apes -- still led by a grim-faced, bitter-looking Caesar -- are now living in approximately the way landlocked tribes of  Homo sap. did a few thousand years ago.  They use some basic tools, about the same as unenhanced apes do, and they now know how to make fire.  They communicate using a combination of American Sign Language and spoken English, sort of like the Neanderthals in The Clan of the Cave Bear.  That doesn't spell trouble in itself, of course. 

>> These apes go on hunting trips together -- yeah, they're carnivores now.  They live in a depopulated California but they aren't dining on oranges or self-seeded tomatoes.  They're close to the edge of the ocean, and there's a comedy scene showing a couple of chimps fishing in the surf with a pointed stick...But we never see any of us catching them so we can be eaten.  There are no signs of piscatorial transformation, for sure.  These are not the green-skinned beach dwellers of Skull Island.

>> They're starting to wear clothes, which is an alarming sign; it's a true saying of humans that pride goes before a fall, and these folk are wearing warpaint to go hunting.  Caesar's wife wears a sort of beaded headdress, and another ape in the upper echelon wears a fancy necklace around the house.  Yeah.  THEY'RE FLASHING STATUS SYMBOLS.

>> Then, as I say, HUMANS FIND THEM.  This is where you want to upchuck everything you've ever eaten.  One brief encounter and the apes start acting JUST LIKE THE HOMO SAPS.  And the humans, for want of better words, GO APE.  I'll spare you the details.

>> Caesar finds himself over a barrel.  He can't trust the humans, except for a couple of them, and he can't trust the apes, except for a couple of them, and even those he's not sure of.  What should he do?  Then his old buddy Koba pulls a gun on him.  This is what I mean when I say that they are acting like humans.  It's enough to make you want to crawl up on the beach to die.

>> IT DOESN'T COME OUT LOOKING VERY PRETTY.  Let me tell you this much:  Caesar looks a lot grimmer and a lot more bitter by the end of this unhappy story.

If you watch this one, I urge you to remind each other as the story unfolds that THIS IS ONLY A MOVIE.  In reality, WE are the ones who will win this fight.  WE'RE ALREADY WINNING IT NOW.

 

BLACK SEA

Saw this one over the weekend.  It's a 2014 release, an ENTIRELY SHAVED-MONKEY-MADE film directed by Kevin Macdonald.  You'll quickly understand that if you ever see this movie.  For one thing, it takes places almost entirely under water, and in 114 minutes of film NARY A FISH DO WE SEE.  Not a crab, not a single strand of seaweed -- NOTHING!  Just Naked Apes in diving suits with flashlights.  It makes movies like Poseidon seem almost well-thought-out.  It even makes The Neptune Factor, with its saltwater Goldfish big enough to eat Ernest Borgnine, look fairly realistic. 

The image above sums this story up better than I ever could.  Jude Law plays a disgruntled submarine captain scrabbling together a crew of misfits and throwaways to guide a down-at-the-heel Russian sub to the bottom of -- you guessed it! -- the saltwater pond their species calls the Black Sea.  Why?  They think there's a Nazi U-boat down there filled with gold bars.  Look at the expression on Law's face in that photo, will you?  (Assuming you're still sufficiently human to be able to read facial expressions.  I'm slipping a little myself in that respect.)  As much as the guys on this crew tussle back and forth, THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME LOOK when confronted with that gold.  Awed.  Hypnotized.  Transfixed.  Pick your adjective! This is EXACTLY why the finboys living out at Devil Reef in H.P. Lovecraft's Innsmouth stories need to lure the Naked Apes to the edge of the water with gold.   IT REALLY WORKS.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> This is, as I say, a remarkably fish-free film.  But for OUR purposes, some of the most important factors are still there.  The submarine crew is made up largely of guys who have given up EVERYTHING to stay underwater.  Jude Law's character chose the sea over his wife and son, for instance.  OF COURSE, IF HE WOULD JUST LET US RECRUIT HIM, HE COULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM ALONG.  But that's not possible in an ocean that has NO FISH IN IT.

>> There is something at the bottom of the sea they CANNOT RESIST.  It's so irresistible that they need to keep it a secret from all the other Shaved Monkeys.  In real life, that is US.  In this movie, it is unfortunately just millions of dollars in Nazi gold.

>> The something at the bottom of the ocean has such drawing power that it brings together longstanding tribal enemies, who are willing to cooperate if it will get them the gold.  In this case, the tribes involved are the Russians and the British.  That matches up well with reality:  once you become a fish and enter the sea, all your human tribal affiliations melt away and you realize how silly they were.  But that reality quickly falls apart in this film.

>> Because this is a human get-rich-quick fantasy, EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT as long as the only goal is to get the gold.  Of COURSE the sub is damaged en route, but they sink at JUST RIGHT SPOT to find what they are looking for.  Of COURSE they can get all the spare parts they need from the 70-year-old U-boat, which apparently sank without any sort of damage to it.  All the brilliant machinations these guys pull off to save their haul of gold bars is just for that -- the gold.  They hardly seem to care about saving themselves.  AND THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT GETTING INTO THE WATER.  Who wants to stay in a tin can at the bottom of the ocean, locked away from US forever?  It's crazy!

>> Alas, this is a FISHLESS sea, and these guys therefore have no way to turn into fish.  This means they soon start to squabble, then fight, then kill each other.  You and I can easily see the subtextual message:  YOUR LIFE WILL CONTINUE TO BE CHARACTERIZED BY HUMAN PROBLEMS UNTIL YOU TURN INTO A FISH.  Simple.  But is it clear enough for a Naked Ape to figure out?

I think this one is very instructive for those who need to understand better some of the obstacles we face when we set out to recruit the Shaved Monkeys for Our Glorious Cause.  SOME OF THEM JUST HAVE THEIR PRIORITIES ALL SCREWED UP.

Says Here They're Throwing A Lot Of Us Away Uneaten!

The Washington Post reported the other day that  just about HALF of all the edible seafood in the US was thrown away uneaten between the years 2009 and 2013, largely because nobody cooked us before we SPOILED. 

HALF the operatives who GAVE THEIR ALL to incorporate themselves into the bodies of Shaved Monkeys died in vain, ladies.  And that includes everything from Crabs to Kelp, with more than a few finfish in between.

If you think the United States is getting LESS WASTEFUL, this news should set you straight.  Many's the time I've seen adult specimens fix a large meal of operatives and just toss it when their offspring won't touch it.  Of course, some will eat the meal themselves, but NOT ENOUGH OF THEM.  And that number isn't even included in this study.  These gals NEVER GOT COOKED OR SERVED AT ALL.

I'm going to have to think about this.  We need to make SOME kind of a move.  But what? 

Glowing Giant Fish Spotted On Rio De Janeiro Beach

I'd just like to thank the artists who created this statement about what HUMAN WASTE -- in this case, indigestible plastic bottles, which ironically most often contain WATER -- bungs up OUR HOMES.  The whole thing is constructed out of those very bottles.  The fish light up at night, too, which must look really cool. 

Another view: