BLACK SEA

Saw this one over the weekend.  It's a 2014 release, an ENTIRELY SHAVED-MONKEY-MADE film directed by Kevin Macdonald.  You'll quickly understand that if you ever see this movie.  For one thing, it takes places almost entirely under water, and in 114 minutes of film NARY A FISH DO WE SEE.  Not a crab, not a single strand of seaweed -- NOTHING!  Just Naked Apes in diving suits with flashlights.  It makes movies like Poseidon seem almost well-thought-out.  It even makes The Neptune Factor, with its saltwater Goldfish big enough to eat Ernest Borgnine, look fairly realistic. 

The image above sums this story up better than I ever could.  Jude Law plays a disgruntled submarine captain scrabbling together a crew of misfits and throwaways to guide a down-at-the-heel Russian sub to the bottom of -- you guessed it! -- the saltwater pond their species calls the Black Sea.  Why?  They think there's a Nazi U-boat down there filled with gold bars.  Look at the expression on Law's face in that photo, will you?  (Assuming you're still sufficiently human to be able to read facial expressions.  I'm slipping a little myself in that respect.)  As much as the guys on this crew tussle back and forth, THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME LOOK when confronted with that gold.  Awed.  Hypnotized.  Transfixed.  Pick your adjective! This is EXACTLY why the finboys living out at Devil Reef in H.P. Lovecraft's Innsmouth stories need to lure the Naked Apes to the edge of the water with gold.   IT REALLY WORKS.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> This is, as I say, a remarkably fish-free film.  But for OUR purposes, some of the most important factors are still there.  The submarine crew is made up largely of guys who have given up EVERYTHING to stay underwater.  Jude Law's character chose the sea over his wife and son, for instance.  OF COURSE, IF HE WOULD JUST LET US RECRUIT HIM, HE COULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM ALONG.  But that's not possible in an ocean that has NO FISH IN IT.

>> There is something at the bottom of the sea they CANNOT RESIST.  It's so irresistible that they need to keep it a secret from all the other Shaved Monkeys.  In real life, that is US.  In this movie, it is unfortunately just millions of dollars in Nazi gold.

>> The something at the bottom of the ocean has such drawing power that it brings together longstanding tribal enemies, who are willing to cooperate if it will get them the gold.  In this case, the tribes involved are the Russians and the British.  That matches up well with reality:  once you become a fish and enter the sea, all your human tribal affiliations melt away and you realize how silly they were.  But that reality quickly falls apart in this film.

>> Because this is a human get-rich-quick fantasy, EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT as long as the only goal is to get the gold.  Of COURSE the sub is damaged en route, but they sink at JUST RIGHT SPOT to find what they are looking for.  Of COURSE they can get all the spare parts they need from the 70-year-old U-boat, which apparently sank without any sort of damage to it.  All the brilliant machinations these guys pull off to save their haul of gold bars is just for that -- the gold.  They hardly seem to care about saving themselves.  AND THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT GETTING INTO THE WATER.  Who wants to stay in a tin can at the bottom of the ocean, locked away from US forever?  It's crazy!

>> Alas, this is a FISHLESS sea, and these guys therefore have no way to turn into fish.  This means they soon start to squabble, then fight, then kill each other.  You and I can easily see the subtextual message:  YOUR LIFE WILL CONTINUE TO BE CHARACTERIZED BY HUMAN PROBLEMS UNTIL YOU TURN INTO A FISH.  Simple.  But is it clear enough for a Naked Ape to figure out?

I think this one is very instructive for those who need to understand better some of the obstacles we face when we set out to recruit the Shaved Monkeys for Our Glorious Cause.  SOME OF THEM JUST HAVE THEIR PRIORITIES ALL SCREWED UP.