THE TRUE STORY BEHIND ALFRED HITCHCOCK'S "THE BIRDS"

In other words, ladies, ANOTHER WRETCHED SECURITY LEAK!

Fergus Mason, an author on some sort of quest to uncover the true-life source of every Hitchcock movie, has created a cheap, accessible paperback (ISBN 978-1494953812) explaining about the convergence of the seabirds known to the Homo saps as "Shearwaters," a flock of our Anchovy operatives, and a "red tide" or algal bloom in the early 1960s, which led to some pretty unusual behavior in EVERYONE CONCERNED. 

Naturally, the Shaved Monkeys thought it was ALL ABOUT THEM -- they interpreted the odd behavior of the sick birds as an ATTACK on their insignificant selves.  And you land-based operatives know Alfred Hitchcock!  He heard about it and headed straight to his drawing board to make one of the SCARIEST MOVIES EVER.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THE BOOK AND MOVIE:

>> The good news is that in the MOVIE, the Anchovy horde is kept entirely out of the story. 

>> This is not true at all of the book -- Mason's whole goal appears to be to BLOW OUR COVER.

>> A saving grace here is that Mason blames, not our Anchovy operatives, but the "domoic acid" that made the Shearwaters sick.  Here again, the Naked Ape over-focus on SCIENTIFIC RESULTS protects our caudal fins from full exposure.

>> Another saving grace:  Mason spends even more time on the inter-monkey politicking that led to the casting of Tippi Hedren (Hitch originally wanted Grace Kelly) in the lead role.  Shaved monkey authors find this kind of nonsense IRRESISTABLE and it takes up a large hunk of a very slender volume.

>> I am disturbed by the current trend in moviegoing.  Nobody seems to want to watch a movie in black and white and CERTAINLY not one that has real killer birds attacking someone wearing a fabulous Edith Head suit -- they want computer-generated cartoon birds.  But in this case it helps us, because most of the birds in this movie are realer than real.  I did have another nasty moment when they had commentary on a possible REMAKE.  That's all we'd need!

>> I do have to note that at the very end of the book, Mason makes a joke about how readers should instruct pizzerias to "hold the Anchovies" in order to protect themselves from future disaster.  THAT IS THE LAST THING WE WANT. And that sort of joke is in the poorest possible taste, anyway.  "Hold the Anchovies!"  Sheesh!

I am having EVERYONE order copies of this book so we can discuss the matter more fully in the local chapter meetings.  Alas, this appears to be a print-on-demand book, so there is probably no option of buying every copy and DESTROYING THEM ALL.

POSEIDON'S STEED

OK, this was a VERY REASSURING READ.  I guarantee you ladies will like it.


This book, by the aptly-named marine biologist Helen Scales, ISBN 978-1592404742, is now out in paperback and easily obtainable through any of the respectable book channels.  It is meant to be a poem to the loveliness of the elusive Seahorse, and in some ways I guess it is, but what she mostly talks about in here is how the Shaved Monkeys exploit any population of the operatives they can find for ridiculous medical purposes -- and of course the scarcer they get, the more urgently people want them.


NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING REASSURING TO US IN THE PLANNED DESTRUCTION OF YET ANOTHER LARGE GROUP OF OPERATIVES.  Don't get me wrong!


I have to admit, I was also a bit worried at the statistic she threw out there stating that one in three people on the plant believes in, and relies on, Traditional Chinese Medicine, which she abbreviates to TCM.  Know that else TCM stands for?  TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.  Which is about what Seahorses are facing as long as out of three Shaved Monkeys continues to see Seahorses as a virility tonic or aid to painless childbirth.  (Is there NOTHING these people DON'T see as a virility tonic?  Idjits.)


What's reassuring in here is that even a marine biologist who has spent every spare moment looking for Seahorses since she was a child appears to know very, very little about them.  Where to find them, how they got there, what they are up to -- ALL OF THAT IS A MYSTERY TO THE NAKED APES.  They can't even figure out nice, clear ways to make sure they stay numerous and happy, which is pretty typical of their tufty selves.


It also appears clear that some Naked Apes -- not all of them our operatives -- are working to make sure that Seahorse are preserved, little realizing that every one of them, in the ocean or in a tank somewhere, is reporting STRAIGHT BACK TO US.


So basically, I'M SATISFIED WITH THE FINDINGS IN HERE.  THE LESS THEY KNOW, THE BETTER.

Did You Get A Load Of the April 2014 Cover Of HOUR DETROIT?

 

 

This cover leads the reader to a several-pages-long photo spread of this (imitation) Mermaid being exploited to sell an array of quite ordinary-looking, but no doubt EXPENSIVE handbags.  They used a lot of exotic and arresting visuals, like the cover above.  You will find the spread towards the center of the magazine. 

 

It just makes me wonder.  Whatever happened to the GOOD OLD DAYS when a Mermaid's Purse was full of baby Sharks? 

Ukrainian Combat Dolphins Co-Opted By Russian Military

 

 

 

FOOLS.

 

They will never understand that every one of those Dolphins is reporting straight back to US.

This Is What I Hate About These Plane-Crash Dramas...

See, WE FISH KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THE FLIGHT RECORDER IS FROM THE CRASHED 777. 

It is of NO USE TO US.

The only beings on the planet who CARE where it is -- the featherless bipeds -- are DRIVING OUR INDIAN OCEAN OPERATIVES CRAZY looking for the stupid thing.

If they find it, they will LEAVE US ALONE, and we can proceed on schedule with TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

If we help them find it -- either by floating it where they can find it, or by having a large Squid or someone like that lead them to it, the way we used to see every week on the Lassie show on TV -- we'll BLOW OUR COVER.

Even if we DON'T blow our cover, CRAZINESS WILL ENSUE.  Relatives of the crash victims will start lurking over the spot, dropping wreaths, seeing the Virgin Mary in the waves and trying to capture the Lassie Squid, either to prove a conspiracy theory of some sort or to keep the poor operative captive at some Eastern Hemisphere equivalent of Sea World, to receive visitors who will then see the Virgin Mary in her chromatophore patterns.  Next, the Lassie Squid will be described somewhere as a pawn in a conspiracy to bring the plane down.

While all this is going on, every other specimen of the Lassie Squid's species will be trapped and killed for study -- eradicating an entire pool of irreplaceable operatives in the REAL conspiracy they know NOTHING ABOUT.

If I were still an air breather, it would make me SIGH IN DISGUST.