RIVER MONSTERS With Your Host, Jeremy Wade!

Well, THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE ABOUT THIS SHOW. A lone angler -- excuse me, EXTREME angler -- travelling the world, bringing the American cable-TV- and satellite-watching public together with ONE DANG LARGE FISH AFTER ANOTHER. EVERY ONE OF THEM A GORGEOUS EXAMPLE OF THE WONDER AND GLORY THAT AWAITS THE HUMAN RECRUIT ONCE HE BECOMES A FISH AND JOINS US IN THE SEA FOREVER. The guy's name is even Wade -- the name of operative Eleanor Caskey's fictitious homehown in Blackwater by Michael McDowell. STILL MY FAVORITE SERIES OF PISCATORIAL ROMANCE NOVELS.

But soft -- IS there something not to like? Let me think about this:

>> Most of the show gives the viewer a pretty bleak perspective on what it can be like to be recruited by a fish. The guy just seems to stand there, hour after hour, week after week, struggling against the current in his hip-waders. He even tells us, in so many words, that the five minutes of excruciating boredom he's just given us is the most exciting clip out of days or weeks of el zilcho. He never quite comes out and says "the Sherpas have abandoned base camp and the camera guy is threatening to leave too," but it's implied. He manages to leave out every drop of romance, as if, you know, he were just out there to catch a big man-eating fish with snout tentacles. How he managed this, while simultaneously claiming to be madly in love with these great big fish, is simply baffling.

>> Wade's narration is best described by the word "thud." Even when he's all excited, he sounds like he's taken a leetle too much of his prescribed sedative.

>> New recruits MIGHT, I say MIGHT, get the wrong idea about what awaits them in the Amazon, the Ganges or any of the other rivers Wade showcases. He tells all these wild stories about how this or that intrepid fisherman got eaten alive, implying that when you head out there with a hook on a string, you're in for a fight. Honestly, those guys WANTED to get eaten. That's why they were out there in a boat in the first place! WE NEVER EAT THE UNWILLING.

>> Wade is a catch-and-release guy. YOU ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.

But overall, this show is well worth the watch. Thousands of American fans watch slack-jawed, making comments like "Did you see that fish? I can't believe that!" One of the most effective techniques when it comes to Wade is to simply leave the TV on with the sound off, and talk about something else. You can sit back and smile over a job well done when your recruits' eyes swivel to take in THE MOST GLORIOUS SIGHT THEY'VE EVER SEEN.

This Is So Wrong, I Don't Even Know What To Say...

WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS!?

I wish I were kidding about this, ladies -- a "new" Crab species "discovered" by a group of Shaved Monkeys tooling around in deep-sea submersibles has been named after...wait for it...David Hasselhoff. I guess I can understand that there's a tenuous connection because of the Hoff's history on Baywatch, but I TOTALLY DISAGREE that this species of operative has a hairy chest like "The Hoff's" and I REALLY, REALLY DISAGREE with any other comparison between the two. The Hoff spends hours tanning; these noble Crabs retire in the shadows close to deep-sea vents. The Hoff eats magical, melting cheeseburgers; these ladies imbibe only from dainty, superheated mineral water. The Hoff is a frikkin' drunk and NO CRAB IN HISTORY EVER WAS, LET ALONE THIS SPECIE.

I could go on and on. But I won't. YOU GET THE IDEA.