Gave Their Lives For The Cause

I have just received the full list of operatives who were lost in the hideous AQUARIUM FIRE in Mapua, New Zealand.

The 299 operatives lost GAVE THEIR ALL while attempting to bring fish and humans together. The number of recruits they brought in over the years is INCALCULABLE. They are destined now to cavort, in wonder and glory forever, in the Roiling Intestine of Dagon.

The single surviving operative, who asked that her name NOT be posted on the Internet, did not waste a minute GETTING BACK TO WORK.

FISH NEVER DO WASTE TIME.

The investigation continues into who lit the place on fire. The fact that a Shaved Monkey would do such a thing to a building full of fish who had no role in his life except to enlighten and entertain...well, doesn't that sort of PROVE MY POINT about this species? The RACE IS ON to determine whether the perp will be ARRESTED and PROSECUTED, or KILLED and EATEN.

Meet The Asian Carp Czar!

Well, THE LAUGHTER HAS DIED DOWN since John Goss outlined his ERADICATION PLAN for our

KILLER CARP OPERATIVES

who are cheerfully taking over the freshwater arteries of North America as I type this.

NOW IT'S TIME TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS, and I'm happy to report that the initial meetings have gone very well...VERY well. Let's just say that if Carp had pockets, this guy would be tucked neatly inside them. Good, good times, I tell you. Honestly, I would have pegged him more as a Snakehead man, being so close to the nation's nerve center on the Potomac. But HE'LL SERVE OUR NEEDS JUST FINE. Stay tuned!

Yesterday's Bizarre Moment

OK, I was heading down the road in the watertight car yesterday and what did I see? A bumper sticker with Rosie The Riveter on it, and this legend:

WOMEN UNITE AGAINST ROE!

Now, what could this possibly be about? Who could have anything against fish eggs? And framing it as some sort of women's issue...BORDERS ON THE CREEPY.

Prepare To Be Terrified!

CLICK HERE for more terrifying Asian Carp Death Attack Footage!

APOLLO 18

WELL, THIS ONE WAS INTERESTING.

The latest in the seemingly endless succession of currently-popular CINEMA-VERITE PUKEFESTS, just released summer 2011, directed by Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego, takes us with a team of astronauts in old-time Snoopy hats and moon boots to the Lunar surface on a TOTALLY SECRET visit to the moon's South Pole. They have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why their mission is being kept quiet or what, really, they are even doing up there. IMAGINE THEIR SURPRISE when they find evidence that the Russians have been to this spot first. They soon find out the same thing the Russkies did about this particular piece of airless real estate. WILL ANYONE SURVIVE?

CLIFFIE'S NOTES:

>> I have to say, this was kind of a fun one. For a start, you get a sense of what it's like to float upside-down in a phone booth with two other guys for a week or so.

>> THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE ABOUT THE MENACE IN THIS MOVIE. I won't spoil it for you, but bear in mind that I'M REVIEWING THE FILM HERE AT CLIFFIE'S NOTES. 'Nuff said?

>> You couldn't call this a flawlessly-executed story. The camera angles are far too dramatic and the cuts are too timely for this film to feel authentic. Often you get the sense that there's an extra guy on board the landing craft, never seen in the course of the movie, with a shoulder-pack camera, wedging himself into the best corner to capture the action on film. The way the astronauts talk is far too 1990s to be in any way convincing. Their mannerisms are just slightly wrong. It's all just...a little...off.

>> I'm sorry to say there are no current plans down at R&D to make something like this happen. Please continue to put any ideas you like the sound of into the Suggestion Box.

But overall, I liked this one. I recommend it.

LORDS OF THE DEEP

WOW. COLOR ME OFFENDED!

This Roger Corman production (from 1989) left me gasping. I have never seen anything so bizarre, so bass-ackwards, so...WRONG.

OK, here's the deal. It's 2020, and the Earth's resources have been almost entirely consumed by the Naked Apes. They are moving into undersea habitats to "conquer a new frontier;" apparently the land and outer space weren't enough for them. The particular Shaved Monkey Habitrail we are observing in this movie is sponsored by a big corporation called Martel -- a name that conjures up fond images of the other big corporations that regulate the lives of humans, like Wal-Mart, K-Tel, and of course Ronco, the company that brought you the Pocket Fisherman. The crew living in this undersea lab is doing...well, I DON'T KNOW WHAT. Science stuff. I dunno. But the scientist with the blonde ponytail, named Claire, has been monkeying with some spongy goo in a beaker, and when some of it got on her hand early in the movie, it made her go all LSD-like, wackadoo, floaty-woaty, like that.

Next thing we know, a new crew of people sent down to spell the scientific team disappears out of their submersible. A guy they send out to investigate that disappearance, disappears. All there is left in his diving suit is more of the spongy goo. They put the contents of the diving suit in a big fishtank, and it forms up into a smiley Manta Ray with blinky red eyes.

And then Brad Dillman, A MAN WE CAN NORMALLY COUNT ON TO OPEN CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE FISH AND THE HUMANS, starts...killing everyone?

This story makes no sense at all. You CAN read it to mean that Dillman is protecting the papier-mache Manta Rays from human incursion, but WHY WOULD HE? He's clearly a helpless tool of the Martel Corporation in this one. It makes me LONG for the daring, if slightly hung-over, Brad Dillman who faced down the title characters in Piranha. (Before releasing them gleefully into the ocean, heh-heh-heh.) Now there's a movie I can relate to.

I have to say, every tiny detail is baffling, not just the plot. The totally uncool jumpsuits worn by every character, with the girly madras yokes and the matching pink piping and buttons...how did they get so many men to wear those outfits? You can see they weren't getting paid enough to humiliate themselves. Why is an undersea lab full of fishtanks? Why is the talking computer named Trilby?

WHY, OH WHY, DO THE SMILEY MANTAS SAVE THE HUMANS FROM THE UNDERSEA EARTHQUAKE?

I can't recommend this one, ladies. I may have to burn my copy.