Up To My Adze In Alligators

CLIFFIE’S NOTES ON THE ADVENTURES OF "JOHNNY GATORSEED"

Well, you never know where Google will take you. I heard this week about a largish Alligator found in Michigan’s unpretentious Lobdell Lake, and when I told someone about it he came right back with a story about one they found just a few miles away in a different waterway. For grins, I decided to Google for ‘Gators Of the Frozen North’ and what did I see? Case after case of grinning aquatic reptiles, living happily in waters their Caiman and Croc ancestors would never recognize:

>> 2 Alligators found in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. Doubtless they hiked North from Florida to take advantage of the new casino.

>> 1 Gator found looking for love in Van Buren Township, Michigan.

>> 5 Alligators, including the Lake Lobdell capture, between January and mid-August of 2005 in Genessee County, Michigan.

>> 7 Alligators found in 6 months in and around Ore Creek, Michigan. Are we seeing a pattern here?

>> 3 Pennsylvania Alligators. No other details provided by the local news organs, sorry.

>> 1 in Somers, Wisconsin.

>> A Chesapeake, Virginia Alligator.

>> 2 Alligators in Williamsport, Maryland. Probably found playing poker with a group of Chinese Snakeheads. You know how Snakeheads are.

>> "Several" Alligators captured in Seattle. Meaning how many? This especially interests me because we this is the first known self-deploying 'Gator detachment, meaning we did not specifically seed them there. There are many more than this already in Seattle. By which I mean, MANY more.

>> One Alligator found in the Connecticut River, and one nearby in North Stonington.

>> One in Plainfield and one in Taunton, Massachusetts.

>> One in the Farmington River, WINDSOR, CANADA. Brrr.

>> One plucky ‘Gator found in Central Park.  SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF TO PROTECT HER SISTER OPERATIVES.  Show some respect.


Of course there is a much larger number actually living out there in peace and security in America’s waterways, spread hither and yon by operatives I like to refer to collectively as "Johnny Gatorseed." What impresses ME, ladies, is the way SOMEONE, and by that I mean YOU, have managed to largely keep this out of the papers. By rights this should be creating a nationwide panic by now. This is a species that craps itself when the yearly number of automotive deaths from collapsing trees rises from 1 to 4 yearly. They don’t let their children watch television without a helmet. BUT THEY LIVE IN BLISSFUL IGNORANCE OF THE 10-FOOT CARNIVORES OUT BACK IN THE REFLECTING POOL.

As far as I know, in the last decade it has only created a single feature-length motion picture on the subject that nobody takes seriously, Lake Placid. There was a similar, but more urban-based picture (Alligator) that came out in 1980. Not a lot else.

BRAVA!