Thursday, April 27, 2006

Up To My Adze In Alligators


Well, you never know where Google will take you. I heard this week about a largish Alligator found in Michigan’s unpretentious Lobdell Lake, and when I told someone about it he came right back with a story about one they found just a few miles away in a different waterway. For grins, I decided to Google for ‘Gators Of the Frozen North’ and what did I see? Case after case of grinning aquatic reptiles, living happily in waters their Caiman and Croc ancestors would never recognize.

2 Alligators found in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. Doubtless they hiked North from Florida to take advantage of the new casino.

1 Gator found looking for love in Van Buren Township, Michigan.

5 Alligators, including the Lake Lobdell capture, between January and mid-August of 2005 in Genessee County, Michigan.

7 Alligators found in 6 months in and around Ore Creek, Michigan. Are we seeing a pattern here?

3 Pennsylvania Alligators. No other detauils provided by the local news organs, sorry.

1 in Somers, Wisconsin.

A Chesapeake, Virginia Alligator.

2 Alligators in Williamsport, Maryland. Probably found playing poker with a group of Chinese Snakeheads. You know how Snakeheads are.

"Several" Alligators captured in Seattle. Meaning how many? This especially interests me because we this is the first known self-regulating gator detachment, meaning we did not specifically seed them there. There are many more than this already in Seattle. By which I mean, MANY more.

One Alligator found in the Connecticut River, and one nearby in North Stonington.

One in Plainfield and one in Taunton, Massachusetts.

One in the Farmington River, WINDSOR, CANADA. Brrr.

One plucky ‘Gator found in CENTRAL PARK.

Of course there is a much larger number actually living out there in peace and security in America’s waterways, spread hither and yon by operatives I like to refer to collectively as "Johnny Gatorseed." What impresses ME, ladies, is the way SOMEONE, and by that I mean YOU, have managed to largely keep this out of the papers. By rights this should be creating a nationwide panic by now. This is a species that craps itself when the yearly number of automotive deaths from collapsing trees rises from 1 to 4 yearly. They don’t let their children watch television without a helmet. BUT THEY LIVE IN BLISSFUL IGNORANCE OF THE 10-FOOT CARNIVORES OUT BACK IN THE REFLECTING POOL.

As far as I know, in the last decade it has only created a single feature-length motion picture on the subject that nobody takes seriously, Lake Placid. There was a similar, but more urban-based picture (Alligator) that came out in 1980. Not a lot else.



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