Sunday, April 23, 2006

Notes From The Reptile Front

OK, LADIES, I just got through reading in the Ann Arbor News for Sunday, April 16th that an army of Iguanas has taken over a Gulf Coast community called, by its Monkey People inhabitants, Gasparilla Island. The article notes with horror that there are about 10 Iguanas for every "year-round resident" on the island. Evidently that is JUST TOO MANY. Let me share my insights on this because the situation applies DIRECTLY TO US.

>> OK, first off, the Iguanas have been there since the 1970s. They are, themselves, year-round residents, and it sticks in my pharyngeal TEETH that a Monkey People reporter has the nerve to imply that they are any different from the hairy bipeds who came in and STOLE THAT PROPERTY from US a great many years ago. I refer not to the sensible tribespeople who moved in with our full knowledge and consent and lived in harmony with us for untold generations. I refer to the later incursions of pale, pudgy, self-important landscum who have bred themselves into a plague upon the face of the earth and have made most bodies of water close to their cities VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO LIVE IN. I chuckle when I hear that the scourge of my world is getting a tiny taste of its own medicine.

>> Some landscum woman named Bonnie McGee living on Gasparilla complains in this article that the Iguanas eat her flowers. Well, no kidding. They are vegetarians, you know. SHE HERSELF has probably bought my cousin, more than once mind you, breaded and frozen and packaged in a cardboard box with a fisherman on the front, and eaten HER. I weep bitterly for your chysanthemums, madame.

>> It’s spelled out right in the article that the Iguanas made landfall on Gasparilla only because of some guy who brought them over from Mexico as pets, and let them go because they got too big. Behold one of the many ways humans can be – not forced, not pressured, but merely INCONVENIENCED – into doing our work for us and allow infiltrating species to explore new territories, like the giant meat-eating bunnies in Night Of The Lepus. I’m sure the Iguanas nudged things along in their own way – they make a point of looking less and less cuddly as they reach adulthood. And I gather that they are adept at whipping the pointy ends of their long tails in the eyes of humans who annoy them. A little annoyance here and there, and next thing they knew they were free to pursue Bonnie McGee’s daisies. Ha!

>> I want to CONGRATULATE YOU ALL for being MUCH MORE SUBTLE THAN THIS in your incursions into the areas most heavily populated by the Naked Apes. With the exception of a few Zebra Mussels and (I blush) Walking Catfish, the identity of our operatives has been JUST OUR LITTLE SECRET.

>> Let me REITERATE that those species like Chinese Snakeheads, that have caused minor panics when they start to show up where they shouldn’t be, have ALL been correctly pinned on the stupidity and negligence of THE NAKED APES THEMSELVES. We are far more careful and subtle than this. I mean always. I consider it the supreme irony that I, the North American Cabal Leader for the fish conspiracy, am myself turning into a Walking Catfish. Life is good sometimes.


Blogger Ur-spo said...

iguanas as the 'first people' what a concept; thanks for the perspective

8:00 PM  

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