Saturday, December 28, 2013




This 2011 release, directed by David Ellis and starring A CAST OF KILLER SHARKS, was a delight to behold.  For a change!  The Shark recruiters closing in on Sara Paxton, Joel David Moore, Alyssa Diaz, Sinqua Walls and Katharine McPhee as they lark in the water LOOK LIKE SHARKS.  They SWIM like Sharks.  They prefer SALT WATER like Sharks.  They PUT THE MUNCH ON YOU like Sharks.  They CHOOSE THEIR HUMAN PREY, I MEAN RECRUITS, the way real Sharks do.  Now how many other killer Shark films can you say all these good things about, aside from Jaws, the holy of holies? 

OK, I never said it was flawless.   Here are the flaws:


>> The Sharks are under the direction and control of landscum.  As anyone who worked on the set of Jaws can tell you, that NEVER works out in practice.

>> The Sharks have ONLY ONE GOAL IN MIND:  eat the landscum.  If you know Sharks the way I do, you know they AVOID that sort of stringy, ill-tasting meal WHENEVER POSSIBLE.  Humans are strictly EMERGENCY RATIONS to our sandy-skinned sisters.

>> The Sharks, like the cameras and the male characters in this film, focus almost exclusively on the jiggling rear ends of bikini-clad college students, as if there were NOTHING ELSE ON THEIR MINDS.  Oh, I beg to differ.  If only fish could laugh!

>> The Sharks in this movie...roar like lions as they close in on their screaming victims.  OK, you knew THAT was coming.  It never frikkin' fails with these Shaved Monkey filmmakers.


>> The Sharks are recruiting awfully actively in the Louisiana bayou in this movie -- and even I had to stop and ask why the Gulf Coast was home to so many Hammerheads, Requiems, Makos, Great Whites and Cookie Cutters, as the humans insist on calling them.  The reason they reveal towards the end of the story would make a cat laugh.  But here's the thing -- it's NOT beyond the realm of possibility.  This is just the sort of thing you CAN'T put past a human.

>> While the Sharks are roaring like lions -- no, come to think of it, they sound more like Spot from the old Munsters sitcom -- the bypassed love interest in this story (a guy named Dennis) is seething with resentment towards the girl from his past.  Why?  Because Dennis -- a dead ringer for Casper Van Dien with his piercing eyes, broad shoulders and cheekbones that reach  from here to there -- is bitter because of his TRAGIC DISFIGUREMENT.  I looked and I looked and I couldn't even find an acne scar.  What was that about?

>> So, ultimately, WHAT WAS THIS MOVIE ABOUT, ANYWAY?  Sharks eating college students, is what.  Enjoy.  You'll love this one.  Be sure to share it with a friend.


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