Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Human Subject Successfully Marked For Secret Operation

I KNOW, I KNOW; it isn't all that secret if I post it on the Internet, is it now?

But here's the story anyway.  THE PART THAT'S NOT CLASSIFIED.  Lindsay Hasz was eating in a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and bit down on something that she thought might have broken her tooth.  The tooth was intact, and so was the unlikely object she'd bitten down on:  a fabulously rare, perfectly spherical PIECE OF GARBAGE EXTRACTED FROM A LONG-SUFFERING SALTWATER CLAM WHO FOUND RELIEF FROM HER PAIN ONLY IN DEATH.  Humans wear these revolting objects as jewelry and (as we know too well) even make a point of inflicting pain and irritation on our bivalve sisters in order to create more of them -- even though they end up flooding the market with these "cultured pearls" and end up reducing their supposed monetary value.

Why is it, ladies, that "cultured" so often means "revolting object that only a human would touch"?  Yogurt is a cultured product, made from milk stolen from a cow and infested with HUMAN INTESTINAL FLORA.  Then -- get this -- they EAT it.  A human's "cultured" slice of cheese is a fish's revolting chunk of rotten milk.  And "cultured" pearls?  A pearl is to a Conch or Quahog as a gallstone is to a human, but you don't see them collecting their gallstones and wearing them as bracelets.  And they sure wouldn't deliberately grow a gallstone.  BUT THEY MAKE OUR SISTERS GROW THEM, especially our Oyster operatives.  Thanks a bunch, Naked Apes.  Go eat a piece of cheese and LEAVE US ALONE.

One snippet of mercy:  So many of our Abalone sisters have committed suicide in protest at attempts to "culture" pearls inside their bodies that they have LEFT THEM ALONE to TEND TO THE BUSINESS OF ABALONES.  The Quahogs, like the unlucky operative who wore that pearl inside her for YEARS, were not so lucky.

Ah, but there's always a way to turn the tables, is there not?  This $600 find has MARKED Lindsay Hasz for a special operation THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DETECT, LET ALONE PUT A STOP TO.  Your chapter leaders will give you all the details at the next monthly meeting.


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