This Troubles Me...

...Honest to Bluefish, what goes on here?  What are these Shaved Monkeys even thinking about?  After someone on my Great Lakes staff alerted me to the existence of this bizarre item, I started looking into it further, and DEAR SCROD, THE THINGS I FOUND.  There's a snack mix made of these, added to some pink jellybeans, breakfast cereal and melted goo.  There are themed party ideas built around these crackers.  Adorable "plating" strategies for parents who want to get a kid to eat lunch by carving it into the shape of a Mermaid and serving it with a side of Princess Goldfish.  A straight-faced online discussion of whether shoppers should pass this item by on the grocery shelf because it might be SEXIST.

Sometimes, I think they must all be on drugs.  Sometimes, I think they're trying to do our work FOR us.  When I try to count up all the little girls they will start down the path to becoming real, live Goldfish by eating these crackers I CACKLE WITH GLEE.  (Yes, Virginia, Clarias batrachis can cackle with glee.)

And of course that's just the beginning.  Every child in America, plus most of the adults, snarfle up the more familiar ORANGE cheddar cheese Goldfish like there's no tomorrow.  There are those awful, flavorless CHOCOLATE ones.  The health-conscious can eat WHOLE GRAIN Goldfish -- another concept that makes my barbels tremble with hilarity.  Sci-fi freaks can nibble on SPACE ADVENTURES Goldfish -- apparently developed by the same team that brought you Sharknado 3 -- and for the daintiest among the Naked Apes there are BABY Goldfish crackers.  You can get MULTICOLORED Goldfish crackers if you're bored with the orange kind.  And the dairy-intolerant can still enjoy ORIGINAL Goldfish crackers. 

What say you?  You never eat crackers?  You always skip the soup in favor of a sandwich?  Pepperidge Farm's still got you covered:

EAT UP, featherless bipeds!  Keep thinking about, shopping for and eating Goldfish in all their wonderful forms!  We'll be waiting for you when you reach the inevitable outcome!