Saturday, November 28, 2015

It's Getting To Be That Time Of Year Again...

...And I just want to remind all you new recruits that THE BEST SQUIDMAS EVER is coming to a percentage of you, THIS VERY YEAR.

And for the rest of you?  HELP IS ON THE WAY.  If not this year, then VERY SOON.

I HARDLY NEED TO REMIND YOU LADIES that one of the ongoing aggravations of being a primate, especially a Homo sap.,  is that danged HAIR on your head.  It seems THE STRUGGLE NEVER ENDS as long as you have it.

If it's red, you want to be a brunette. If it's brunette, you wish it were blonde.  If it's straight, you want  it to be curly -- and vice-versa.  Soft hair lacks BODY.  Strong hair is too WIRY.  Fine hair is too THIN.  Dry-haired Homo saps. wish for something a bit OILIER, and those with OILY hair pray nightly to whatever God they worship to DRY IT OUT. 

Long or short, it never really looks right. Choosing a new hair stylist is like taking your sanity and your future in your hands. Scrod help you if you try out a new style that flattens your cheekbones or makes your double chin look like a triple.  Growing it out after making a hair mistake is -- by species-wide consensus -- HELL ON EARTH. 

Even if you finally get it to look the way you want it, your husband HATES it.  Or your friends whisper behind your back.  Or, even if everyone LOVES it, the hair keeps flying up your nose in the slightest breeze, or TANGLING WITH YOUR EYELASHES.

No matter what your hair looks like, you feel like the models above...Outwardly, or in the deepest recesses of your id.  Because of your wretched HAIR.  In a way, men have it even worse, because:

See, it's part of the ongoing disaster of even belonging to that species.  ALL YOU WANT IS NICE HAIR.  You want it more than money, or healthy children, or a long life.  If you don't have it, your hair gets in the way of everything else, somehow.  Women feel as if their lives are a joke until they get their hair right -- AND IT NEVER HAPPENS.  And men with their hair falling out?  For those guys, somehow, IT'S ALL OVER.  It's hard to say which half of the species tortures itself more over hair problems, the MALE or the FEMALE.  Body perms!  Relaxers!  Curling irons!  Crimping irons!  Hot rollers!  Daily conditioners!  Deep treatments!  Detanglers!  Tints!  Tones!  Shades!  Transplants!  Wigs!  Weaves!  Electrolysis!  Even the individual specimens who have learned to laugh at the whole mess do THIS when you mention a promising new hair tip: 

It's as if they were being offered a taste from the Holy Grail.

Well, here are CLIFFIE'S GOOD TIDINGS FOR SQUIDMAS.  HELP IS ON THE WAY.  Even if your transformation is just starting, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME before you are FREE FOREVER.

And once that last strand falls into your soup, there's really only one step left to go:

Yeah, baby!  You're home free!  And THAT, ladies, will be the best Squidmas ever!

Ask your aunt Tilly if she feels ugly going hairless: 



Blogger Ur-spo said...

at least you got some.

2:17 PM  

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