LOBSTER BOY

WELL, THE MYSTERY IS SOLVED. I couldn't go MYSELF to investigate the question of ACTUAL LOBSTER INVOLVEMENT in the events described in Fred Rosen's book (1995, Kensington Publications). We've just had TOO MUCH COOKING, what with the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico, in Kalamazoo, Michigan and the other one in Ontario. And let's be honest, the Lobster Boy story is SO OVER WITH. But I sent out some of my crack operatives. Our point woman on this case was an investigative journalist when she was still human -- and she's transformed since into a really outstanding Eel operative, and as such is still entirely amphibious -- to get to the bottom of this story. This one sent shock waves through our community when the book first hit the newsstands, and has continued to generate rumors ever since -- LO, THESE MANY YEARS. You can all STAND DOWN -- and stop shooting suspicious glances at our Lobster sisters at the chapter meetings. ALL IS WELL. The murder of Grady Stiles, aka Lobster Boy, was 100% Shaved Monkey Business. No Lobsters are implicated in any way. Grady Stiles himself is no more a crustacean than I am -- he is just a funny-looking Naked Ape. Ladies, you might want to read this to reflect on ALL YOU ARE LEAVING BEHIND when you make the change-over from human to fish. The book captures a typically sordid tale of Shaved Monkey greed and malfeasance. CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS SORRY EPISODE IN HUMAN HISTORY: 

 >> Mr. And Mrs. Stiles DESERVED EACH OTHER, if you ask me. He hit her, she left him, she remarried, that guy lost his income, she dumped him and went back to her first husband. Then she bumped him off. FISH OR CUT BAIT, LADY. Sheesh. 

 >> We never hear that much about Mrs. Stiles other than the facts above. Grady, we learn much more about. HE'S A BIG JERK. 

 >> The missus even got other people in on the act, as if it were of some benefit to them to bump the guy off. There wasn't, really. 

>> While nobody's interior sun appears to have dimmed THAT much on Grady's death, he was a reliable cash cow for the whole family. He was the centerpiece of the family's sideshow act (think the Osmonds or the Flying Wallendas, only with many missing digits). As a family they provided needed economic stimulus to the impoverished town where the dramatic personae all lived when they weren't on the road. 

 >> Fred Rosen has published a stack of books JUST LIKE THIS ONE, minus the Lobster angle, listing the behavioral excesses of other members of his species. Reading through them is like wading across a landscape of dead Naked Apes, bumped off for the insurance money, killed by contract, stomped to death in a fit of anger, strangled in the name of a 10-minute sexual release, then stuffed into garbage bags by adult specimens of Homo sap. who have not yet been fully housebroken. If Rosen gives you the impression that this is going on everywhere, all the time, all over the world, WELL, THAT'S ENTIRELY CORRECT. The only thing that makes this case stand out is the Lobster claws, which (I hasten to remind you) aren't even the real thing. This is the species that calls US inferior, brutal and amoral. Rosen has picked out a nice livelihood for himself, documenting this sort of behavior. >>shudder<<

>> Imagine KILLING a guy like that and then not EATING him. The WASTE!

 >> As near as I could tell, there was no real piscatorial theme in the Styles family sideshow act. There was no attempt to recruit fans into a piscatorial way of life. Not a whiff of brine in their private lives or religious faith (if indeed they had any).  EXCEPT ONE THING.  When they were questioning one of the neighbors in the course of one of the trials, she said this: "Richard was at work on the fish bar." FISH BAR?  Nobody even asked her what that meant.  FISH BAR? 

>> The take-home message here for a fish reader: you can reassure yourself, with a peaceful two-chambered heart, that you are NOT LIKE THIS. I came away pretty happy that I am more and more Clarias batrachis, less and less Homo sap.