PIRANHA 3-D

NOW, THIS WAS A GREAT MOVIE.

 

A far cry from the original Piranha, this was more of an action spectacular, with all manner of drunken college students being PUT TO THE MUNCH by our toothy sisters. WHAT FUN IT ALL WAS:

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS MASTERPIECE OF SUBTLETY:

 

>> ALL THE NECESSARY ELEMENTS were in place. Richard Dreyfuss on the wrong end of a fishing pole: check. Ridiculous pseudo-scientific explanation for Pirhanas invading a desert lake in the American Southwest: check. Exposition Boy in the form of an elderly pet-store owner who also happens to know the entire paleontological history of the Piranha family and has pertinent fossils to put in front of the camera: check. Local sheriff who knows to ask the owner of the pet store for an explanation: check. Drunken nubiles in bikinis: check.

>> I was told to expect that the Piranhas would be used only as an excuse to nibble off the bikini tops of said drunken college girls. I actually brought a pad and paper to make hash marks, ready to record each time this happened. IT NEVER DID.

>> I was told to expect wild, crazy sexual inappropriateness from certain of the lead females. NEVER HAPPENED.

>> I was told to expect lots of blood. THIS, THEY DELIVERED. Remember the Bradford Dillman original? OF COURSE YOU DO. The modest amount of gore in that old classic was well-placed and well-timed to be shocking. This movie was a regular splattterfest, with kids getting eaten to the bone everywhere you looked. I was getting a little tired of it by the end, to tell you the truth. There was THAT much of it. AND YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE TO SEE HUMANS GETTING EATEN BY FISH.

>> The story didn't let up for a second. No long discussions about inessentials, no big clouts of time wasted on human drama -- there was barely enough story to introduce the fish, and then they let it all rip. Literally. Heh.

 

>> I LOVED THE FISH! They were extra-gnarly, great big mothers with teeth reaching from here to there and spines everywhere, gill covers flaring like a Cobra's hood, and they moved like greased lightning. They looked so cool, I didn't even care that they were computer-generated cartoons.

>> And what are they doing here? THE EARTH CRACKED OPEN AND THEY JUST SWAM IN, reminiscent of another Bradford Dillman classic, Bug. You remember that one, don't you? OF COURSE YOU DO.

 

Anyway, I recommend this one. It's a hoot. I think the only person in the story who got recruited PROPERLY was the pet-store owner, but it's always fun to watch drunken teenagers get eaten by fish, right? RIGHT.