State Atty General Hinges Election Results On Asian Carp Hunt

HEARD IT ON NPR THIS MORNING! That's right, ladies; they reported that recent testing shows no Killer Asian Carp have made it into the Great Lakes. We all know Attorney General Mike Cox has been leading the charge against these imported operatives, getting all the Great Lake states together and vowing on whatever lawyers hold sacred that NO CARP SHALL PASS. So I'd think he'd be PRETTY HAPPY, right? Well, after that it got WEIRD. The newscaster asked whether this development is going to hurt Mike Cox's chances at becoming Governor. The commentator quite seriously responded that it could, but the fact that no

KILLER CARP

have been found in the Great Lakes could also be seen as a positive.

WHOSE SIDE IS THIS GUY ON, ANYWAY?

I can hear you asking. Literally. The phone calls poured in all morning, asking whether he is ON TO US, and whether he is ONE OF OUR OPERATIVES who somehow didn't make it into the Directory, and if the Attorney General IS turning into a fish, will that make it better or worse for our Lamprey sisters?

HERE'S THE DEAL, LADIES: He is NOT one of us. He's not even on the recruitment list at this point. He just doesn't want to lose his DRAMA RATING with the other featherless bipeds as Election Day closes in. Nothing makes a human look more pathetic to his fellows than getting everyone all worked up over NOTHING.

The Lampreys are safe!