This Is For You, Chad

I’m dedicating this Cliffie’s Note to the discoverer of the true nature of the front rank of our operatives…these gals.

This far-ranging band of sisters in slime have penetrated everywhere. They live in your gardens, your cities, your woods and your fields. Or maybe I should say THEIR fields, THEIR woods, THEIR cities. For although you believe that you own everything you see, you’re mistaken. They own you and everything around you. They are, in fact, inside you, taking notes and reporting STRAIGHT BACK TO US. Why would they need to report to us on the state of your internal tubeways? You may well ask. Don’t expect an answer.

For years the sharp-eyed human mentioned above has been trying to warn his species about our mucilaginous army, TO NO AVAIL. Scientists continue to run tests on them and NEVER A COMPLAINT. They let, and even encourage, the crazy stories about them to proliferate. For instance, they tolerate the ignorant statements made about them to schoolchildren, like the one about how all of these operatives are female. And if you’ve ever read one of the countless children’s stories about them…How far off track can you be?

I’m making this note, not only a salute to Chad, but a tribute to the impenetrability of these operatives’ disguise. They continue to be a sappy symbol of – well, whatever it is they mean to humans. Relaxation is one thing they appear to mean, in the sense od stopping to smell the roses rather than being too "Type A." That one actually fits in with the actual mission of these leaf-licking operatives. Blissful communion with Nature, too, definitely. That sort of thing.

But above all, people find Snails cute and harmless, safe for children to play with. FOOLS. Little can the Shaved Monkeys suspect the TREMENDOUS DANGER these operatives pose to the very fabric of human existence. ANY TIME THEY FEEL LIKE IT, they can choose to scrape away with their little tongues at the moorings of Everything That Is, and at that point the Monkey People will be HURTIN’ FOR CERTAIN.

You have to consider the actions of unusually insightful humans like Chad. WHY would he run screaming from an apparently harmless platoon of Banana Slugs? DOES HE KNOW SOMETHING? I say you have to consider this – but it’s not the same as getting worried about it. HE knows, and WE know, but it’s ALL ARRANGED so that nobody in a place of power in the ape hierarchy can see it as important. The Chads of the world will inevitably be dismissed as low-key mental cases. This is a fine example of how we play, AND WIN, on the insuperable egos of the Naked Apes.

Let us never forget the Snail massacre captured on film in Crispin Hellion Glover’s What Is It? I think it should be clear even to the casual passer-by that GLOVER KNOWS SOMETHING. Ah, but WHAT? He knows enough to pay tribute to the deceased operatives at the end of the film, is what. True respect? Or a sensible fear of retribution? Glover’s not talking.

Now, here’s the part I love. I CAN POST THIS INFORMATION RIGHT ON THE INTERNET, AND NO HUMAN WILL BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT:

The Snails’ power – and when I say "Snails" I include Slugs – derives from their ability to straddle the line between dry land and water; between fresh and salt water; between male and female; between harmless vulnerability and the power to destroy the Universe. Scientists even know most of this (probably not that last part) and they’re not even really interested. DON’T YOU HAVE TO LOVE IT?

WE ARE WATCHING YOU.