Sunday, December 07, 2014




It's astounding to realize that the sequel to a SyFy Original presentation about killer Sharks -- normally rating several notches below, say, Citizen Kane in the estimation of human film analysts -- was not only well-received, but even saw a theatrical release.  When we watched the disc extras, it even turned out that familiar faces of Naked Ape stage, screen and popular music were more or less IN A FEEDING FRENZY OF THEIR OWN, all wanting to be included in this movie. 


I had the (for me) unusual experience of watching this with a fully-human companion, allowing me to see it through the eyes of a fish AND those of a Naked Ape.  This experience only underlined what an outstanding recruiting film this is:


>> There is nothing not to like about the fact that where there were maybe a few hundred sharks in the first movie, there were THOUSANDS in this one.  And let me add this: thank Scrod this was only a movie.  Remember the worldwide shark slaughter after the Naked Apes watched three guys go up against a single shark in that Spielberg movie?  Imagine what would happen if we ever sicced this many operatives on New York City in real life.  It makes me shudder just thinking about it.  But anyone's dreams can come to life in the movies, and Sharknado 2 is the proof.

>> Nobody even commented on the fact that there was an immense gathering of sharks -- what the landscum call a "shoal" or a "shiver" -- JUST WAITING TO BE SCOOPED UP WHEN THE TORNADO HIT in Long Island Sound -- not normally a hot spot for tornadoes.  Nobody noticed that the tornado stayed active for hours and hours, or that the sharks riding around in it were as frisky at the end of the ride as they were at the beginning.  IT APPEARS TO HAVE CROSSED NOBODY'S MIND THAT THE SHARKS ENGINEERED THE WHOLE THING.

>> It crosses my mind that when you're talking about a collection of sharks like these -- Great Whites, Hammerheads, Tigers, even Whale Sharks -- you may need to come up with an entirely new collective noun.

>> The ex-wife (played by Tara Reid) exclaimed over how familiar that one flying shark was -- the one with the scar on his face -- and how he seemed to come after her deliberately.  Her ex-husband Fin (Ian Ziering) reassures her that this could not be so.  HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM WATCHING JAWS OVER AND OVER SINCE 1975?  Of COURSE it was the same shark that she remembered from the first movie.  The single-minded focus of sharks is a legend even among the Shaved Monkeys.  They keep coming at you until the job is done, NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU TASTE. 

>> EVEN AFTER THE RECRUITER WAS DEAD, the ex-wife and the shark recruiter met again.  Which should remind us that it's valuable to remember the lessons of, not only Jaws, but those of Ghost Shark.

>> I also want to point out to you ladies that even after the shark with the scar on his face met a cruel end on the roof of that skyscraper, THE SHARKS KEPT COMING FOR APRIL WEXLER.  It's just a gentle reminder of the double meaning of the human expression "there are plenty of fish in the sea."

>> If this movie isn't a monument to the dedication of a shark trying to KILL and EAT recruit a human, I don't know what is.  The only off note in the symphony of human assimilation into the fish collective is the impression this movie gives that that is what ALL sharks are up to.  Perish forbid!  Get over yourselves, humanity!  They have a lot more to do all day than choke down a bunch of stringy, Hostess-Twinkie-tasting hominid rejects!

>> It appears to occur to nobody that the hero of this picture and the first one is the LEAD RECRUITER.  Even Al Roker, the voice of reason in this movie, never seems to notice that wherever this guy goes, A SHARKNADO FOLLOWS.  (I wonder if he could conjure one up in Iowa?)  For crying out loud, his name is even "Fin."  Take the hint, willya?   But humans never do.  It is the best concealment technique we have -- their own obliviousness to the TOTALLY OBVIOUS.


>> Isn't it cute that they spoofed so many disaster  movies in this thing?  I loved it when the guy who played the hero in Airplane -- this time he played the pilot of Flight 209 on Santa Mira Airlines, ha! -- was chatting with his copilot about whether to have fish for dinner, just like the pilots did in Airplane -- and that of course spoofed Terror In The Sky.  Spoof on top of spoof on top of spoof!

>> Isn't there supposed to be a lot of wind and rain when you have a tornado?  Hail, even?  Then why is there snow on the ground in this movie -- and how did it go from bone-dry to 3" of snow on the ground without us seeing any, you know, snow falling?  Why isn't anyone's hair even whipping around when they're standing next to a tornado?

>> What could be in April Wexler's book, How To Survive A Sharknado?  Does it tell you to climb inside the shark and cut your way out with a chainsaw, or what? 

>> Was it just an oversight in the movie that after she turned herself into Ash from Evil Dead to take her revenge on the sharks, April never once used the word "groovy"?  If you're going to spoof something, why not do it right?

>> What were they thinking about, putting Kelly Osbourne in a red miniskirt?  It totally clashed with her lavender hair.

>> What was with the cab surrounded by water?  When they climbed out the car's windows to swing on the rope to safety, everyone was bone dry.  Are cabs in New York so waterproof that the car doesn't fill up when a storm surge surrounds the car up to the level of the windows?  Wow!

>>  They shouldn't have given Wil Wheaton any lines.  It did nothing for the movie.

>> Why is there only one black actor in each scene who has any lines?  How can they be so racist?  It was racist when Vivica  A. Fox got eaten, too. 

>>  But it was sweet that all the families were saved and stayed together at the end through all the mayhem.  Maybe that was the point of Vivica A. Fox getting eaten.  I'll have to think about it.

>> This movie proves that sharks are horrible and I am right to be afraid of them.  I know what happens in this movie isn't possible, but that's how it makes me feel about sharks.



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