Friday, August 31, 2012

Piscatorial Love Issue Of MENTAL FLOSS Magazine!!!

This should not really have surprised me, considering the wide-ranging material in this publication, but WAS I EVER HAPPY to see the words "LEAD FISH TO SAFETY" on the cover of the September 2012 issue.  I got more than I dared to hope when I looked inside:

>> Under the very first item listed in the article starting on page 51, written by Adam Raymond and called "The Golden Lobes," we see two Golden Lobes awarded for Best Fish Protection; the first is awarded in the Open Water Division.  Someone has invented a robotic fish that is designed to lead suffering citizens of the sea away from danger.  ("Can robot lemming guides be far behind?" quipped the author.)  (I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!)  This is a TOTALLY RIDONKULOUS IDEA because fish are very good at avoiding whatever danger they want to avoid, but I have to like the attitude expressed by this invention.  IT SHOWS THAT SOME OF THE NAKED APES DO CARE.

>> The second Golden Lobe, in the Aquarium Division, is awarded to the Department of Homeland Security in Union County, North Carolina, where they have laid out extensive instructions to help panic-stricken Shaved Monkeys take care of our fishtank-bound operatives during natural disasters and terrorist attacks, that sort of thing.  I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.  My only quibble is that they advise Naked Apes to have pictures taken of their fish in case of an unexpected separation during evacuation procedures.  We have not quite figured out why, but on occasion a fully-fish operative is STILL RECOGNIZED by his or her erstwhile human relatives in a photo.  The only solution to this is to start turning down former humans who have turned into Goldfish or Discus or what have you, when they volunteer for fishtank surveillance duty.  There are still plenty of other volunteers, so I do not foresee any sort of problem with this turn of events...

>> But wait!  There's more!  On page 63 of this issue there's an article called "The Mermaids Of Jeju," by Aaron Gulley and Jen Judge, about the all-female shellfish divers living off the southern tip of Korea.  They spend all day, every day free-diving to bring fish and humans together in the Far East.  What the author FAILED TO POINT OUT is that if the wretched species had not moved away from this lifestyle, which has been more and more of a problem since the Stone Age, WE WOULD NOT BE IN THE MESS WE'RE IN NOW.  Humans would still have the proper regard for US, and a full awareness of where they belong -- up to their necks in the ocean, is where, chumley.   

>> I haven't even finished reading the magazine.  There may be even more in here!


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