New High-Yielding Oyster "Breakthrough"

I have been fielding calls and letters about this one ever since a Dec 14th article in the online fish newspaper, The Underwater Times, announced the development of a spectacular "double-hybrid" Oyster that is supposed to grow TWICE AS FAST as the others, increasing yields and potentially pushing many of our sisters OUT OF BUSINESS as recruiters.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS.

CLIFFIE'S PRO POINTS:

>> More Oysters on the market means MORE RECRUITMENT, period. How can that be bad?

>> Bigger, healthier Oysters means BETTER RECRUITING -- potentially fewer "near misses." I HAVE BEEN A RECRUITER MYSELF AND KNOW HOW INFURIATING THOSE CAN BE. And let's be real -- "the one that got away" is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to us, the fishers of men, than it could ever be to the fools who think they are the ones catching US on a baited hook.

>> I don't know, but LIKE TO THINK that more Oysters on the market means MORE OYSTER BARS. These temples of self-sacrifice -- built and maintained in the name of bringing humans and fish together -- need to proliferate like the Rats in Detroit. I am not going to insert a joke here about the shellfishness or unshellfishness of our operatives in going, screaming and amputated, down the gullets of those we mean to recruit. Because that would be stupid.

CLIFFIE'S CONS:

>> I TOTALLY AGREE with everyone's concerns about the marginalization of other Oysters. WE ALL WANT A SHOT AT COMBINING OUR GENES WITH THOSE OF AN UNSUSPECTING NAKED APE. Not to mention the small matter of genetic diversity, something humans manage to overlook constantly. Maybe we can start a counteroffensive along the lines of those rebel farmers and gardeners keeping alive the old breeds of cattle and chickens, along with the wild & native species and old flower hybrids. It's something to discuss in the chapter meetings.

>> I don't need to point out, do I, that these "greatly improved double hybrids" are likely to look, taste and smell like something you'd order out of a clown's mouth and pick up at a drive-thru window? We all know what an "improved hybrid" means in any other species. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN, LADIES.

>> I HATE IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO that this development stands to promote Monkey business. We want their industry, banks and cities to WITHER AWAY. Look at all the progress we've made, again, in Detroit! WE WANT THIS TREND TO CONTINUE.

My suggestion is that everyone get out their copies of Consider The Oyster for some devotional reading. In order to focus everyone's energies properly, this week's chapter meeting supper menu, THROUGHOUT THE NORTH AMERICAN RECRUITMENT ZONE, will have Hang Town Fry as its centerpiece.