Secrets Of Killer Crab, Lobster And Shrimp Operatives Appear Safe, For The Nonce

I decided to do one of my impromptu online surveys to see what the Monkey Salesmen are asking for books about OUR OPERATIVES. I also wanted to see what sort of titles were available. The results have been quite encouraging. I typed "CRUSTACEAN" into the search box at Amazon.com and look what I found:

In The Wrong Place: Alien Marine Crustaceans by Galil, Clark & Carlton: $190.42, MARKED DOWN from $229! I wish I could see the looks on their rubbery monkey faces if we filled those pages with the TRUE facts about WHOM we are infiltrating, and WHERE. What happened to that big smile, Monkey?

Chemical Communication In Crustaceans by Breithaupt & Thiel: $255.83, MARKED DOWN from $279! And the priced-to-download Kindle edition? $223.20!

Reproductive Biology Of Crustaceans: Case Studies Of Decapod Crustaceans by Elena Mente: $129.95! Used copies available starting at only $96.99! You're going to love the eyestalk-popping erotic photo of the blue Lobsters on the front cover. Bring that one home in a plain brown wrapper!

The CRC Handbook Of Mariculture, Volume I: Crustacean Aquaculture, by would-be Crab terrorist James McVey, only $305.91!

The World Market For Extracts And Juices of Meat, Fish, Crustaceans, Mollusks, And Aquatic Invertebrates: A 2009 Global Trade Perspective by the Icon Group: Only $595!!! Someone pass me a Clamato cocktail, NOW!

Crustaceans And The Biodiversity Crisis: Proceedings Of The Fourth International Crustacean Congress, Amsterdam, by Frederick Schram and J.C. Von Vaupel, in the deluxe library binding, a bargain at $409! WE WERE THERE, ALL RIGHT. AND VON VAUPEL NEVER SPOTTED US! It makes me laugh when I think about the way they are meeting to make plans for us without our knowledge, when in fact only a handful of the attendees are human!

The World Market For Fresh Or Chilled Crustaceans Including Flours, Meals And Pellets Thereof For Human Consumption: A 2009 Global Trade Perspective, again by the Icon Group, and once again priced to own at only $595! There is something about fish flour that makes me get all swoony when I think about it.

The Crustacean Nervous System by a feller named Konrad Wiese, for the sofa-change price of $399. HOW CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?

The World Market For Animal Feed Made From Fish, Crustaceans, Mollusks, Or Aquatic Invertebrates: A 2009 Global Trade Perspective, by our old buddies down at the Icon Group and priced to sell at $595!

Advances In Decapod Crustacean Research by Paula, Flores and Fransen, the hardcover priced at a tempting $155 (used copies starting at $178.79 -- ???), the paperback nearly as irresistable at $123.28, marked down from $155...OK, I don't get the prices on this title at all.

Now, this title may be the best of them all. Are you ready?

The World Market For Products Of Fish, Crustacean, Mollusk, Or Aquatic Invertebrate Products That Are Unfit For Humans To Eat: brought to your electronic shopping cart by YOU KNOW WHO for the fire-sale price of only $595!!! When I look at this title -- I have done it twenty-three times so far -- it always makes me smile, because you and I know THE HUMANS WILL EAT EVERY BITE. AND THEY WILL LIKE IT.

CLIFFIE'S NOTES ON THIS HAPHAZARD, INSTY-KWIK COLLECTION OF TITLES:

>> At a glance you can see that these books are PACKED with information about us. INFORMATION THAT NOBODY BUT A HANDFUL OF ULTRASPECIALIZED MEGA-NERDS IS EVER GOING TO READ. AND A FRACTION OF THOSE WILL EVER KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT.

>> And you know about this sort: THEY WON'T MENTION THEIR INSIGHTS TO ANYONE.

>> There is EVEN MORE information in here about the agendas and plans of the authors and their hilarious schemes to control our operatives. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. WE ARE CALLING ALL THE SHOTS.

>> Do they really imagine that CRABS CAN'T READ?

>> These prices are seriously geared to keep the curious far, far away from the books. Heck, so is the stilted scientifical-type language of the text. Some of these babies are better than ANY SLEEPING PILL ON THE MARKET.

>> Oh, this is too good not to mention. One of the authors listed above met three of our operatives last week in a dark corner of a fern bar in Smolensk. That gentleman was KILLED. And EATEN. No, I'm not posting the name on the Internet. An accurate replacement has already stepped smoothly into the discarded life of that happy recruit, who squelches EVEN NOW in the Roiling Intestine of Dagon. Is there any happier fate for a human?