Wednesday, August 01, 2007


This delightful straight-to-video horror film is on the New Release shelf at your local video outlet RIGHT NOW. You do not need to BUY it, but you do need to SEE it; I have decided to make it optional to RENT it. The fact is, this may simply be TOO FRIGHTENING for some of you to watch more than once. Renting is probably safer. For those of you with serious INTESTINAL FORTITUDE, go ahead and buy.

WHAT MAKES THIS MOVIE SO FRIGHTENING? WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE, AND NOT A SINGLE FISH. Yes sir and yes ma’am, this is about a reservoir so loved by the surrounding townspeople that they celebrate its anniversary. WHY? The local Satanists are chained at the bottom. The unforeseen result? NO FISH WILL VENTURE NEAR.

Forty years after the construction of the dam and the flooding of the Satanist HQ, a Shaved Monkey in a diving suit goes exploring. Now these are the scenes that will really shiver your timbers. Our FAVORITE PISCATORIAL HORROR DIRECTOR, Brian Yuzna, fills our traumatized fish brains with horrid visions of a complete human city, UNDERWATER, visited only by a few shaved monkeys, UNDERWATER…and nobody to recruit them. NOBODY. They come and go as they please. When the dam starts to show some cracks and threatens to empty the reservoir, NO FISH IS BEHIND IT. Who is it then, you ask? Let’s just say this much: it’s NOT A FISH.

There’s a particularly terrifying scene with a nekkid girl – Yuzna loves those nekkid girls – wading out into the reservoir in a state of emotional collapse. What rises to the surface to put her out of her misery once and for all? NOT A FISH.

There’s a little kid who wanders off into the dark, chasing something we can’t see, and when the adults find him he’s knee-deep in the water, talking to a new friend who lives below the surface. Who is this new friend? NOT A FISH.

Not long after, the little boy, reunited with his sister and babysitter, hears a voice calling to them from the edge of the water. At last, you think, RESCUE, but nope: it’s NOT A FISH.

This is a nightmare reversal of the sane, normal world, in which there is no problem that cannot be solved by the arrival of a hungry fish. Or a little something with tentacles. Maybe some Kelp. But there is no help available in THIS story. The Naked Apes are on their own.

I mean, I guess there are a few signs of hope in here. Everyone in the movie gratefully lives as close to the water as they can, even the old crazy dude who knows THE SOURCE OF THE EVIL, and everyone counts on water to solve their problems. But LITTLE DO THEY KNOW, lifeless water like this is of no more real use than a gasoline-powered turtleneck. I AM THE TEETH OF DAGON, HERE TO SAVE YOU!

This movie does, on the other hand, go to show the real depth of landscum incomprehension of our purpose. And the fact that even a fish-oriented dude like Yuzna has NO CLUE WHAT WE ARE UP TO.

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