Just Heard This On NPR!

I HAD TO LOG ON IMMEDIATELY to share this news with you. It appears that some Shaved Monkey theoretician has actually FIGURED OUT why humans learned to speak. The newscaster said that the usual belief system (or as I call it, B.S.) around human speech has concerned the primal need to IMPROVE THEIR SPECIES' CHANCE AT SURVIVAL.

(He did not point out the obvious: the usual logic is bass-ackward. You don't develop a new ability so that something good will eventually happen to you. The fact is, you develop a new ability, and if later on it turns out that it helps you survive, great. Ambulocetus took to the water because it was NICE AND COOL ON HOT DAYS, and the rest is history. Saying that humans developed speech to improve their chances at survival is like saying that an ancient Tree Hyrax learned to swim so that one day her descendants could perform at Sea World.)

Well, someone has actually realized that speech was originally developed in order to WIN ARGUMENTS. NEVER FORGET, ladies, that humans are nothing but STATUS MONKEYS. Nothing else matters to them but how they look to the other monkeys. NOTHING. Every artifact of their (chuckle) civilization is about making themselves look good. That's why they built the Sphinx, the Apollo space probes, and the Pentagon. It's why they sweat it out in their off hours, trying to write the Great American Novel. It's why they get into bar fights. In fact, the Guiness Book Of Records was originally compiled in order to settle arguments in a bar without the fisticuffs. Because these stoopid arguments between the Naked Apes are SO IMPORTANT to them that they routinely kill each other over them. I heard about one not too long ago, in which one Naked Ape squoze another such Ape's neck between his thighs until his foe was dead...over a disputed chess game. This is what we're up against, ladies. EVERYTHING in human society boils down to arguments between Shaved Monkeys.

It's a little ironic to MOI that this insight will almost cetainly go unnoticed. Even if they see the usefulness of this realization, and apply it in a positive direction, well, IT'S TOO LATE. The sun os going to explode next year, remember? Ask any deceased Mayan. And if the sun doesn't explode? WE ARE ON THE JOB.