Saturday, August 05, 2006

A Few Reality Checks

CLIFFIE’S NOTES ON AGENT ELINOR: Same thing again, girls. Over and over I hear you misinterpreting the actions of the amphibious revolutionary role model Elinor Caskey in the Sacred Writings of the Great Scribe Michael McDowell. Now, I know the "Blackwater books" (The Flood, The Levee, The House, The War, The Fortune, and Rain) add up to a long and fairly complex saga. But all the complexity lies in the landscum part of the story. If you read through you’ll see that everything Elinor does is totally consistent, geared towards creating a safe haven and power platform for her descendants. On the Planet of the Apes there is no stouter fortress than unlimited cash. Please note that rather than simply amassing a fortune and spreading her progeny on the earth, she does all she can to keep her daughters in the water. With mixed results, of course. You know how kids are. Like The Little Mermaid, she essentially sacrifices her aquatic life for the love of her life. But in sharp contrast to the hapless Little Mermaid, Elinor ends up happy, rich, and powerful, with more descendants in the river than out of it. She overcomes all obstacles and humiliates her enemies. Can you top that?

CLIFFIE’S NOTES ON THE LADIES OF INNSMOUTH: In his fine teaching stories "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" and "Dagon," the Great Scribe Lovecraft wrote only what he was privy to as a male, and a largely human male at that. Come on, do you think the town fathers of Innsmouth just took the money from the King Of The Fish People and announced to all the unmarried women that they were going to have to marry the Benthics whether they liked it or not? Don’t you think if it had gone down that way, the citiizens of the deep would have arrived onshore to encounter a cordon of armed women and a load of buckshot in the face rather than a wet welcome?

Come on, THINK ABOUT IT. The Elder Gods saw the situation and approached the women years before the town fathers knew anything was going on. Thery knew which side of their bread was buttered, all right. Half of these women or more would have been willing converts already, easily identified by certain insignia WHICH WE ARE STILL KEEPING SECRET, LADIES. They advised the Rulers of the Deep about the most effective methods of bringing the men in on the plan. At this point the women and their aquatic husbands were quickly freed to act on many plans they’d been working on for YEARS. I happen to know that my own great-great-great grandmother had been waiting half her life to finally pair off with the Benthic she’d been in love with since she was a teenager. I wish I could have known her thoughts as she cringed before her own naked-ape father and husband, doing her best to convince them that she was only a naïve landlubber girl and apalled at the whole setup – making this sacrifice only to help the family finances. Ha!

Well, that’s enough brain strain for one newsletter.


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